Imaginations Collide: Dark Brother 16 and xxRubyjanetxx
by Dark Brother 16
Summary: What happens when the sophisticated imagination of Dark Brother 16 clashes with the malevolent fantasies of xxRubyjanetxx? Chaos ensues with this commentary of The Gratest Pokemon Master.
1. Chapter 1

[Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, fans and nerds! I am Dark Brother 16 and I am here with someone that some of you may have come to know and love.  
He is a character from my story, Star Wars, the Clone Wars- Irad's Adventures. That's right! Give it up, boys and girls, for Eliiiiiii Iraaaaaaad!]  
[Eli: Well, that was dramatic.]  
[Hey, come on. Everyone likes how you're portrayed and some have come to wish you the best.]  
[Eli: Well, I don't really want to be famous, okay. And what did you mean by some of these people "may have" come to know and love?]  
[Never mind. So everyone, Eli is here with me on planet Earth to learn about our culture. He has recently learned to read English. Isn't that right, Eli?]  
[Eli: Yep. Considering how similar it is to basic, it was very damn hard to learn. Especially at the point when I had to learn how to spell and pronounce words from  
other languages. You Earth people are very complex.]  
[Anyway, as a test of Eli's reading skills, I have decided to allow him to join me in my commentary of a FanFiction story I found on the Internet called The Gratest  
Pokemon Master, written by xxRubyjanetxx.]  
[Eli: "Gratest"? "Pokemon"? What do those mean? Are they words from another one of your Earth languages?]  
[No, they are actually not words from another language. One of them is a misspelled word. It's supposed to be "greatest". And Pokemon is something that has  
become so popular around the planet that everyone knows it as an entertainment of some kind or another, depending on their interests.]  
[Eli: Whatever. And what are these extra "x"'s around this Rubyjanet's name?]  
[I don't 's supposed to mean something clever. Anyway, let's get started.]  
**My beautifuk Pokeemon journey**  
[Eli: (unable to speak) Okay, um... Maybe I didn't read this right. What does it say?]  
[It says, "My beautiful Pokemon Journey", except she misspelled "beautiful" and "Pokemon"]  
[Eli: This story is lame.]  
[We haven't even started the commentary yet.]  
[Eli: We didn't? When do we start, then? How long is this story, anyway?]  
[About fourty chapters.]  
[Eli: Oh, hell. Why did I agree to do this?]  
[You didn't. Anyway, time for the most entertaining part of the story. Rubyjanet's author's notes at the beginning and end of each chapter are usually full of terrible  
misspells and, after this chapter, rages and rants against the reviewers.]  
[Eli: Why does she do that?]  
[I'll show you when the time comes. For now, let's move on.]  
**AN: I started playing pokemoin last week and I noticed I was really good at it. I beat the game in like 3 days and I like watchin pokemon on tv and love that hot guy **  
**but not the other one who is ugly faggot.**  
[Eli: "I beat the game in, like, three days, and I like watching Pokemon on tv, and love that hot guy, but not the other guy who's an ugly faggoat"? What does this  
mean?]  
[Yeah, this is an extremely hard-to-follow story.]  
[Eli: Well then, why are you making me read this? I only just learned your language.]  
[Because I want to see if you are able to find all of the mistakes in here.]  
[Eli: Oh, well, okay then. A test, I can do this.]  
**So I decided to write dis sotry.**  
[Eli: "Dis sotry"? What's a sotry?]  
[She meant story.]  
[Eli: Man, this is one stupid girl.]  
**BTW in dis world pokemon get to train on there 15th birthday NOT when they are 10. It is a mor realistic world where pokemon can DIE after fites (an: its soo **  
**tradic)**  
[Eli: "B-T-W". What does this mean?]  
[It's textspeak.]  
[Eli: Is that another one of your Earth languages?]  
[You could say that. It's relatively new, as well.]  
[Eli: You're not going to make me learn it, are you?]  
[No. I don't even understand it.]  
[Eli: Okay, good. Moving on.]  
**So anyway i wrote dis story in like an hour, coz im good at typing n stuff as well as pokemon games i think it coz i have fast relixes.**  
[Eli: She wrote this in an hour? Is that a good thing?]  
[No, not really. Writing is a long process. Some authors spend an entire lifetime trying to perfect their works.]  
[Eli: Oh, okay. So, what about this rambling part about being good at typing and videogames?]  
[She's just going off on a tangent.]  
[Eli: She's really dumb. I sure hope that this doesn't carry into the rest of the story.]  
[It does. Keep reading.]  
**You will find it is lots in detail becuase im careful abot this stuff. It is write in what is called FIRST PERSON which means Im telling the story from my eyes. Anyway **  
**read to see my story of pokemon!111**  
[Eli: I know what first person is! Don't talk down to me, bitch!]  
[Stop shouting.]  
[Eli: And another thing. Why is she telling us that she's good at detail? If she's a real author, wouldn't she be able to show us that she's good with detail?]  
[Well, technically, none of us on FanFiction are actual authors, yet. But yes, she should be able to put enough details in to prove that it's her strength. But she'd also  
have to know how not to put in too much details in order to keep the audience interested in the story as a whole.]  
[Eli: Okay, then. If she doesn't have good details, then I'll find her and kick her ass]  
[I don't think that's a good idea.]  
[Eli: Why not?]  
[Because she lives on the other side of the planet.]  
[Eli: Fine, but I'm still going to keep track.]  
**THE BEGINNING**  
[Eli: Yeah, we know that this is the beginning. Moving on.]  
**I woke up and it was morning outside but not inside becuse the curtains were still closed. They had pictures of cool pokemon like pikachu and staria on them and **  
**they fell to the floor.**  
[Eli: What does she mean the curtains stopped it from being morning? That's ridiculous! If it's morning, then it's morning. Whether or not there's light makes no  
difference. And what are "Pikachu" and "Staria?"]  
[Two different Pokemon that the author obviously thinks are awesome.]  
[Eli: (laughing) Yeah, well, she also thinks that curtains can keep morning from dawning. Are these Pokemon awesome?]  
[Well, I won't pretend that I know that much about Pokemon, but I think those two are okay. They're by no stretch the best out there, but-]  
[Eli: Well, then they aren't all that awesome, are they?]  
[That's only because "awesome" is a subjective word.]  
**I opened my eyes which weere blue like the sky and looked around exitedly.**  
[Eli: "Exitedly"? What- the hell?]  
[She means excitedly.]  
[Eli: Also, why is she so... bad at detail? I thought she was good at this!]  
[She really isn't.]  
[Eli: Then why am I reading this crap?! Why didn't you even warn me about it to begin with?]  
[Because I wanted to see how you'd cope.]  
[Eli: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.]  
**Today was pokeomen day the day where one new trainer wood get to pick there first pokemon to start to be a trainer. I was 15 today so i wondered if i might be the **  
**one who was chosed to pick a pokemon.**  
[Eli: "Chosed"? That's not right. Is Anakin Skywalker the "Chosed One", or the "Chosen One"?]  
[Also, I'd like to point out some more technical issues, here.]  
[Eli: Okay.]  
[For starters, Pokemon is spelled wrong, she calls it "pokeomon".]  
[Eli: What a stupid h-]  
[Also, there are several missing commas. There need to be commas here and here, like this.  
"Today was the pokeomon day, the day where one new trainer wood get to pick there pokemon to start to be a trainer. I was 15 today, so i wondered if i might be  
the one chosed to pick a pokemon."  
Like that.]  
[Eli: Ohhh, okay, yeah. I remember something about that.]  
[Next, there are several words that are, well, the wrong entire word.]  
[Eli: Like?]  
[Well, here's how it's supposed to look. I'll let you figure out what words were spelled wrong.  
"Today was the pokemon day, the day when one new trainer would get to pick their pokemon to start to be a trainer. I was fifteen today, so i wondered if i might be  
the one chosen to paick a pokemon."]  
[Eli: Okay, so that's... Yeah, one, two three... Five. Five misspelled words in one sentence? Even I can do better than that, and I only just started the damn language.  
What's your excuse, girl?]  
**My name is Ruby Masterball and I was excied today that I might get a pokemon.**  
[I want to point something out here, Eli.]  
[Eli: Yeah, what?]  
[This particular part of the story, aside from the misspellings and the awkward flow of the sentence, this has pretty bad technique. See, this works, okay? But there's  
a better way to do it. And that's through indirect characterization. You don't tell the reader these things, you show them.]  
[Eli: So, you mean something like this Ruby is walking down the street and she suddenly finds someone she knows and says, "Hey, Jill, how are you today?" "I'm  
doing good, Ruby, how are you today?"]  
[Doing well, you mean.]  
[Eli: Whatever. Let's get a move on or we'll never be finished.]  
[Okay. It's not like we have a schedule to keep or anything.]  
**I got up and tied up my ruby hair (thats how I got my name) in a sidewyas pony tail. I put on a white tank top with Red around the edges and a dragonballz picture on **  
**the front. I put on some ripped jeans and a sideways pokemon cap. I opened the door with my hands that had red nailpolish on and went down stairs.**  
[Eli: I can't even look at this trash. At least now she's getting into some sort of detail, even if it is pretty bad detail. Besides, why should we care about how she got  
her name?]  
[Yeah, I agree. This part is just so outrageously out of place that it puts a roadblock into the flow of the story.]  
[Eli: "I openned the door with my hands"? No way! You talented girl. Would you like to point out anything else obvious?]  
**Normally mom sits in the chair and tells you to set your clock n stuff but my mom abandoned me when I was born and my father didnt want me either so im used to **  
**no one being downstairs. I lived in the house on my own excpet i wished i had a pokemon to go be a trainer with.**  
[Eli: Hold on. If her mom is usually there to tell her about setting the clock and stuff, then how are we supposed to believe that she was abandoned when she was  
little?]  
[I guess she just expects us to be familiar with the game. Maybe that's a typical feature of her Firered game and she expects us to know that.]  
[Eli: Well, excuse me! I only just found out about Pokemon a few minutes ago. I never had any time to play the damn game.]  
**Anyway i art some breakfast and went outside.**  
[Eli: "I art my breakfast"?... I hate you, Dark Brother.]  
[Don't hate.]  
**A boy ran up to me and said proffesor oak was waiting for me. I gasped and hurryed to the crowd outside his office coz I was late.**  
[Eli: Okay, so, who's Professor Oak?]  
[Someone that just about every Pokemon fan knows. He's sort of this universal mentor or something. This is also a dangerous spot to be in, even for a competent  
writer, because the audience knows who he is, the writer knows who he is, and therefore the author could get lazy and decide not to describe him very well, assuming  
that everyone knows what he looks like. This is a very easy trap to fall in, so let's see how she handles this.]  
[Eli: You said that you already read this.]  
[I did. I'm just holding out for your sake.]  
[Eli: Aw, shuddup]  
**"Hey Ruby your finally here." I knew that voice. It was... Gary Oak.**  
[Eli: Can we ignore the problems with the commas and the periods and the whatever else?]  
[Okay, sure.]  
[Eli: And who's this guy, Gary Oak? Is he the Professor?]  
[No, he's a relative of his. He's supposed to be a real jerk.]  
[Eli: Oh, okay, I'll be the judge of that.]  
**I gasped but stood my ground.. "Proffesor oak wanted to see me. I said. "Yeah but Im going to get the pokemon."**  
[Eli: I'm lost. Did Ruby say all those things, or did she say the first part and then Gary said the second part or what? What is the first and second part, anyway? I can't  
see the seperation of quotations.]  
[Ruby said, "Professor Oak wanted to see me." Then Gary answered, "Yeah, but I'm getting the Pokemon."]  
[Eli: A challenge? Is this... a foe? Is Ruby going to take that?]  
**I was sad because I wanted the pokemon to go explore the world.**  
[Eli:... Okay, I guess she is going to take that. And why would she want to get a Pokemon just so she can set it free and let it explore the world?]  
[She means so that she can explore the world with her Pokemon.]  
[Eli: (unable to speak)]  
**Gary was wearing a blue sweater with a green necklace. I blushed coz he looked hot but i couldnt let feelings get in the way of pokemon.**  
[Eli: She won't let feelings get in the way of Pokemon, but she gets sad when the jerk tells her that she is getting the Pokemon? When is this story going to start  
making sense?]  
[I don't know.]  
**"You look hot Ruby." gary said before he went away coz The proff was coming.**  
[Eli: Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? This mindless punk is so mean-spirited on the most basic level, and he picks on an emotionally insecure teenage girl,  
and then has the guts to hit on her?! What, a, bastard.]  
[Maybe Rubyjanet thought that this would be a romantic scene. I don't know. One thing's for sure, it really, really doesn't work. I agree with you, Eli. This scene is all  
over the place. First of all, Ruby fails to earn the respect of the reader by refusing to talk back and being so one-dimensional. Then, Gary's attitude is outright  
sociopathic and shows an obvious disconnection from the reality of the situation.]  
**"Can I have your attention pls?" The proff said, talking.**  
[Eli: What the hell is P-L-S?]  
[Please.]  
[Eli: I'm not in the mood for good manners, pal. What does it mean?]  
[Please.]  
[Eli: Damn you, what does it-]  
[It means please.]  
[Eli: Oh... Okay... Now, "he said talking". How dumb is that, huh?]  
[Yeah.]  
**The time has come to choose one trainer who shines above all others to be the new trainer for Pallet town.**  
[Eli: Is this him talking?]  
[I think so.]  
Evertyone went quiet as he read the piece of paper.  
[Eli: Okay, but this isn't?]  
[Yeah, I guess.]  
**"Ruby Masterball!" Everyone gasped. I was so shocked. Gary was looking at me all mysterious. I was getting a pokemon.**  
[Eli: He was looking at her mysteriously? He should be furious! Why isn't he reacting to this in a direct way? Why the sudden passive-aggression?]  
[Who knows? There's no logic to this user. I'm not sure if she even knows what mysteriously means.]  
AN: was that good or what,  
[Eli: NO! It was terrible! And you've actually proven to be stupid enough to write another thirty-nine chapters?]  
[Fourty chapters. She just posted another one.]  
[Eli: WHAT?! When?]  
[She just did it, as in just now.]  
[Eli:... I hate my life]  
**see how i put lots of detial in to increase the reading experience. Anyway I can't wait to write the next chapter when I chose a pokemon better than all the others. **  
**Please review how much you liked it.**  
[Eli: Okay. I didn't like it! As in, at all! And what is "detial"? Does she mean "detail"? And why does she get to pick a Pokemon that's better than all the other ones? If  
it's out there at all, it's out there for anybody to get, right? This story is messed up, big time.]  
[It sure did. But you know, I have noticed something rather interesting about this story.]  
[Eli: Oh yeah? What's that?]  
[This story bears a strong resemblance to another FanFic called My Immortal. It's generally agreed by the vast majority of FanFiction users that My Immortal is the  
absolute worst FanFic of all time.]  
[Eli: How can anything be any worse than this crap?]  
[I'm not saying that it was worse.]  
[Eli: Are you saying that they are the same?]  
[Well, I'd like to analyze that, but I think so. My Immortal was written back in 2006 by an emo, self-proclaimed goth who allegedly lives in Dubai. She wrote a  
FanFic dedicated to Harry Potter, which went on for fourty-four chapters. But then suddenly, she stopped updating.]  
[Eli: Why?]  
[Noone knows. But a year later, the story was taken down by the website. My Immortal covers the seventh year of Ebony, or as she is usually called, "Enoby"  
Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way at Hogwarts School in England, as well as the lives of her Goth friends, especially Draco Malfoy and Vampire Potter. There is  
something of a love triangle between Enoby, Draco, and Vampire, because Draco and Vampire are both bisexual and apparently sex addicts. Others become  
temporarily involved in the saga of love and sex. In addition, Vlodemort wants Enoby to shoot Vampire. Why he didn't just have her curse Vampire, or do so himself,  
remains unknown.]  
[Eli: I have no idea what you're saying, but it sounds extremely dumb.]  
[Yeah, exactly. There really is no plot. There a number of characters mentioned in My Immortal, but only a handful have any real significance. More specifically, only  
Enoby and the characters who obsess over her are important. Most of these characters are also vampires.]  
[Eli: You're not going to make me read that, are you?]  
[No way. Tara Gilsby, the author, is notoriously incompetent when it comes to spelling and grammar, much less real writing. As such, the names of her characters  
vary wildly from chapter to chapter, and sometimes even within chapters.]  
[Eli: Ugh.]  
[There are some recurring themes in My Immortal, though. Like bisexuality, pedophilia, self-inflicted injuries, suicides that have no consequences because the  
characters forget that they are dead, that sort of thing. Oh, and the spelling is so bad that it's obvious that the author is either dyslexic or very, very stupid.]  
[Eli: Who is the author?]  
[Tara Gilesby, penname XXXbloodyrists666XXX. Like any sue-thor, she shares many of the same traits of the primary "protagonist" of her story, Enoby, but  
excluding the vampirism and magical powers. But she still labels and distinguishes herself as a "goff", wrist cutter, Satanist, lover of Hot Topic and various mainstream  
punk/emo/goth/alternative genre bands, things like that. Tara is supposedly from Dubai , a principality part of the United Arab Emirates, another fact about Tara that  
raises giant questions. Before writing My Immortal, she also shared that the band Good Charlotte made a great impact on her life. Apparently, their song entitled  
"Hold On" convinced her not to commit suicide after a recent breakup from her boyfriend.]  
[Eli: This girl has as many problems as Rubyjanet.]  
[Yeah, she does. She began writing My Immortal circa 2006. She updated the story on a regular basis. But there were often large gaps between updates as she  
claimed that the flames of the reviewers caused her to "slit muh rists" and she had to go to the hospital for recovery. There were other moments when she went on  
extended vacations or was just too "bizzy". She made one last update in mid-2007 before going on a trip to England. She never made any further updates to My  
Immortal.]  
[Eli: You know, this is starting to sound like a ghost story.]  
[Well, it's crazy how similar the two are. Just look at this exerpt from the story I just found on the Internet. "AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!  
Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!"]  
[Eli; Why did she ever get back to writing, then?]  
[She had dozens of accounts that she would use to give herself good rreviews.]  
[Eli: That's low.]  
[Yeah, but she was about eleven or twelve years old when she wrote it. This raises a lot of questions, doesn't it?]  
[Eli: Like what?]  
[Like did Rubyjanet come back from writing My Immortal? Lots of people have already accused her of doing it, after all. I think that we should find out if that's true.  
Anyway, that's all for this chapter, folks. We will be back next time and we will begin our analysis. Until then, this is Eli Irad and Dark Brother 16. Bye!]


	2. Chapter 2

[Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, fans and nerds! I am Dark Brother 16, and I am here with Eli Irad, ready to bring this commentary one step further. So  
Eli, I need to ask you something. You've been acting very strange lately.]  
[Eli: I know. I just- I- I don't know what it is. I've suddenly become obssessed with this story. I just can't stop reading the damn thing, even though you only leave the  
previous chapter that we did unlocked on your little computer.]  
[You're looking a bit pale, too. Are you feeling alright?]  
[Eli: No, not really. I feel drained. As in, completely drained of energy. I just can't get up and going at all over the past week. I also have a headache.]  
[But you feel that you're well enough to do this commentary?]  
[Eli: I don't know. I feel like I have to or something bad will happen.]  
[Well- hmph. We don't want any of that, do we. But before we begin, I want to just do a quick recap of the previous chapter. I'd also like to make a quick shout out  
to my fellow user, DespicableFool, for helping me develope these grading criteria for our evaluations. With his help, I have narrowed down all of the mistakes and  
missed opportunities to the following criteria.  
Examples of Misspellings: List misspellings and count them. Compare the number to the total word count and divide accordingly to find the deducted percentage  
Number of Grammatical Errors: Just go through carefully and count them all. Complare to a reasonable number and divide accordingly, subtracting the result from  
100%  
Number of Violations of Rules of Conduct: Count them and deduct a reasonable percentage.  
Number of Failed Character Developmental Scenes: Count and deduct accordingly  
Number of Factual Missteps: Count and deduct accordingly  
Number of Weak Literary Decisions: Compare to other literary works.  
So, considering all these, let's get started so that we can move on, as I'm sure, Eli, you are eager to do.]  
[Eli: No, I'm actually not looking forward to this. But something is drawing me back, so I guess I have to.]  
[Right. So, the first criterian is Misspelled words. The last chapter has a total of six hundred and nineteen words, fourty-eight of which are misspelled. That means that  
a grand total of 7.65% of the entire chapter is spelled incorrectly.]  
[Eli: That's pretty bad.]  
[It gets even worse as we keep going, trust me. Anyway, there are a total of, brace yourself, one hundred and eighteen grammatical errors in Chapter One.]  
[Eli: Jeez! I did better than that on my very first paper you had me write.]  
[Yeah, for those of you who don't know, he made seventy-two grammar mistakes. He was upset about it for several weeks.]  
[Eli: Shut up.]  
[Moving on, now. There has been a violation of conduct in this chapter, namely that this piece of work was difficult to read.]  
[Eli: No kidding.]  
[Possitive counts of factual missteps and failed character developement, and one big mess of a chapter. Overall chapter grade: fifty-four point five seven percent.]  
[Eli: Fifty-four?! That's easilly a total failure.]  
[It's a collosal failure. And it's only the beginning, too. Let's compare this to My Immortal, shall we? My Immortal has the following distinguishing features.  
Description of clothes- 13.7%  
Sentences with terrible adverbs- 17.5%  
Rock Concerts and necessary planning and clothes shopping- 27.2%  
Comparisons with rockstars- 3.4%  
Sex/rape- 5.2%  
Incredibly long ellipses- 3.9%  
Number of times a character gasps- 25  
Cuttings- 15  
Text Speech and misspellings  
Demanding that the readers "stop flaming"]  
[Eli: There are a few instances where there are unnecessarilly long or ridiculous descriptions of the clothes.]  
[That's right. And it makes up approximately eleven percent of the chapter.]  
[Eli: So, what about all of this other stuff? Like the terrible adverbs.]  
[Actually, this first chapter does very well in staying away from absurd adverbs. So let's move on to the next part of the chapter comparisons: Rock Concerts and  
necessary planning and clothes shopping.]  
[Eli: We don't have any of that, so what about the next one?]  
[No comparisons with rockstars, thankfully no sex or rape, no incredibly long ellipses points, although we do have an ellipses point. Number of times a character  
gasps.]  
[Eli: Two. Should we keep track of this?]  
[Yeah, because My Immortal has twenty-five in the whole story. Now, moving on. No cuttings, thank goodness. But there is definitely misspellings and textspeak.]  
[Eli: We should add these things to the grading criteria.]  
[That's not a bad idea. Here's how it looks now.  
Word Count  
Number of Words Misspelled  
Percentage of Words Misspelled  
Grammatical Errors  
Number of Guideline Violations  
Failed Character Development  
Factual Missteps  
Overall Chapter Grade  
(Comparison Criteria)  
Description of clothes  
Sentences with terrible adverbs  
Rock Concerts and necessary planning and clothes shopping  
Comparisons with rockstars  
Sex/rape  
Incredibly long ellipses  
Number of times a character gasps  
Cuttings  
Text Speech and misspellings  
Demanding that the readers "stop flaming"  
How's that look?]  
[Eli: It's good, but what's this last part here? About the "stop flaming"?]  
[Maybe I should show you what this has first. I'l show you by starting off with the first sentence of Chapter 2]  
**AN: STOP FLAMING!**  
[Eli: Ohhh-kaayyy. Could you explain this? My head hurts.]  
[Sure. On FanFiction, the act of flaming is when someone starts insulting a story without a specific reason. In the case of Tara Gilseby, these so-called flames were  
actually not flames, but well-meaning fellow authors who just wanted to help her improve.]  
[Eli; What a bitch.]  
[Yeah, as is the case for Rubyjanet. Suspiciously enough, neither of these girls can take any criticism. Anyway, that concludes the analysis of the previous chapter, so  
let's move on to the second one.]  
[Eli: Sure, but can we go slower in this one so that I don't get as irritated?]  
[I don't see why not. Anyway, you saw the first sentence, so on to the other ones.]  
**My english teacher said this was good so fuk you dont know whAt you are talking abot. Ur just jealous that I can wirte better than you. IVE READ YOUR **  
**STORIES THEY SUCK ASS! I know some of the spellins wrong Im doin it on wordpad so there! The spelling doesnt matter its the story that counts!**  
[Eli: ... Someone said that this was good?]  
[So she says. I already told you the grade. That's an easy failure in any competent English classroom. But, uh, what do you think about this claim that the ones who  
criticize this story know nothing?]  
[Eli: She is the one who knows nothing. If someone offers to help, then she should accept the help.]  
[Right, right. My thoughts exactly. What about when she said that she can write better than everyone else?]  
[Eli: She's delusional. Her work is terrible. Noone would like this. That's what I think. Noone would be jealous of this, because its very presence is an insult.]  
[Okay. What about this part that's all capitalized?]  
[Eli: I'd like to know if she can even read and what she knows about sucking ass.]  
[Yeah, maybe we shouldn't know that. I'd like to point out now that the program that she uses is exactly what you and I are using. Wordpad doesn't have  
spellcheck.]  
[Eli: Yeah? Well, you don't see us making as many mistakes.]  
[Exactly. Now, this last part that I wanted to go over here is actually an interesting claim. The part where she said that the story is what counts?]  
[Eli: I don't know about that. What good is the story if noone can even read it?]  
[That's exactly it. That's the exact point. And she has missed this fundamental point. Let's keep going into this.]  
**For tha people that gave me good reveiws thankx ill keep the chapters coming.**  
[Eli: What? Who gave her good reviews?]  
[Well, the way this story became unpopular was because there were people who genuinely liked the story and where they thought that it was going. Obviously, they  
pointed out a lot of the flaws, like spelling, grammar and flow. Those were the people who gave more possitive reviews. Unfortunately, Rubyjanet eventually scares  
them into her hate list by shouting at everyone that her story is the best and everyone else is just jealous.]  
[Eli: That's stupid. You'd think that a delusional infant like this would be happy that she has any fans at all.]  
[Yeah, but apparently not. Let's move on.]  
**Any way I was so shocked that I was getting a pokemon. "Ruby please come inside." Professior oak inquired.**  
[Eli: What's with the "anyway"? That's not how you start a chapter, is it?]  
[No, it's not.]  
**I walked through the crowd who was all talking abot me. They knew i lived in my house all alone and was good at training pokemon and touf n stuff. I spent a lot of **  
**time traveling through the wild all alone so I was not afrade.**  
[Eli: Okay, I need to slow this down. How does everyone know her?]  
[It's anybody's guess. She never really explains this anywhere else.]  
[Eli: Wait. So, she explained how here? Where?]  
**"They knew i lived in my house all alone and was good at training pokemon and touf n stuff. I spent a lot of time traveling through the wild all alone so I was not **  
**afrade"**  
[Eli: Are you kidding me? THIS is how she explains how people know her? Because she's a hermit? Wait a minute. I thought she wasn't a trainer. How did she train  
anything before?]  
[Again, it's anybody's guess. She never explains this.]  
[Eli: Stupid bitch.]  
[Excuse me?]  
[Eli: Not you. Stupid bitch.]  
[Excuse me? There's no need for that kind of language. We're working together on this.]  
[Eli: You're right. I'm sorry about that. My head hurts. Let's just get this over with.]  
Anyway the house that the proff was taking me was a round house with a huge telescope thing on the roof.  
[Eli: Is she talking about an observatory?]  
[Yep.]  
**I went insdie. "Wait here I ll get some pokemon to for you to chose." The proffsoroak ran away through a door which he closed loudlhy.**  
[Eli: Why did he run away? Is he so determined not to be in her presence?]  
**I statred to txt on my phone which was red with rindstones all on the top and had a ringtome like the bruno mars catch a grenade (an: OMG best song eva!)**  
[Eli: Noone cares about Mars, girl. What does another planet have to do with-]  
[Bruno Mars is a musician.]  
[Eli: Pop culture? I hate Pop culture, so many dumbass pretty boys and drooling idiot beauties with no talent whatsoever.]  
[Moving on.]  
**"I'll catch a grendade your ya, throw my hand on a blade for ya, jump in front of a rain for ya" My fone stated to sing.**  
[Ugh.]  
**I got a fright coz i dint know what it was. Then I answred it. Then the proffssor oak came.**  
[Eli: That's it? No details on the conversation? How is it even relavent?]  
[I guess it isn't.]  
**"I have 3 pokemon for you to choose but first you must pass a test." He said all mysterious.**  
[Eli: A test, huh? This could be good.]  
[It could have been, but I really don't like this part, "all mysterious". This has always really bugged me. It would have been so easy to have just said, "he said  
mysteriously", and it would have made this part so much better, even with the horrible misspellings.]  
**"OMG what the test is?" I ask.**  
[Eli: Ugh. Textspeak? I hate that language.]  
[Me too.]  
**"You must prove you are worthy by capturing you pokemon. firt you must answer my question ok." porfessor oar said.**  
[Eli: Sooo, what's the test? Is it that she must choose and capture her own Pokemon?]  
[I think that that's the idea.]  
[Eli: Okay, so what's the question?]  
**I was nervous coz i dint know what the test was.**  
[Eli: He just told you.]  
**I looked up and saw it wa raining outside which menat Gary must have gone home so no help me. He looked so hot with his brown hair into his blue eyes like pools **  
**with a blue water like ocean.**  
[Eli: Why would Gary help her? He just crushed her dreams in a ridiculously easy way in the last chapter, and then had the nerve to flirt with her. Why should Ruby  
expect any help from that jackass?]  
[I don't know.]  
**I looked at the balls oif pokemon. I chose that one, charmader.**  
[Eli: This story flows like a little child's game. It makes no sense, and it makes the far-fetched assumption that everybody automatically knows what they are talking  
about, even though they have not said anything about the subject at all.]  
[You're becoming good at this.]  
**"No you cant its taken." Said Oka. "I was sad. I wnated charmander coz it was fire type and better.**  
[Misplacement of quotation marks. I have to write these down or I'll forget them.]"Ok I take squarter."  
[Eli: I think I know the answer, but is that how you actually spell this?]  
[No.]  
[Eli: Didn't think so.]  
**"Squarter is dead." Proffesor oak sadily. "it got into a fite with bulbasuar and was beat. we will bury it son."**  
[Eli: Ruby's not her son. She's a girl. And she isn't related to him, right?]  
[No, she meant to say, "we will bury it soon".]  
[Eli: Why let her choose between Pokemon if one of them is dead?]  
[I don't know.]  
**"Thats ok i dint want squarter anyway. I will take bulbasur" I said happily.**  
[Eli: Of course you didn't want it. That's why you asked for it, right?]  
**"bulbasuar run away." Oak said cryin coz he was a pote and they are sensitive about stuff and write poems.**  
[Eli: Wha-that-wha- If there aren't any Pokemon, then why offer her some?]  
[I think she's trying to build up to something.]  
**"WTF what pokemon i have!" i stated to yell coz ihad none.**  
[Eli: Woooow, what a whiney brat.]  
[I'm affraid you'll have to get used to that.]  
[Eli: Uuuugggh.]  
[Hey, are you okay? You're looking even more off color.]  
[Eli: Let's just get this over with.]  
**"There is one moar but only the best rainer can manage it."**  
[Eli: I see where this is going.]  
[Everyone did. That's why people began to call Ruby the character a Mary Sue. It's because everyone loves her, she's perfect in every way, and everything goes her  
way.]  
[Eli: Looks like a Mary Sue to me.]  
**"I dont fukking care give to me!"**  
[Eli: Woah... Okay, I take it back. She is definitely not a perfect person.]  
[I know, right?]  
**Ok oak went and brought out a round ball. "try it." I threw the ball. Red light pooured out and made a pokemon. It was yellow body with red stripes instead of **  
**brown on the back and its tail was like RED lightnine and its cheeks were pink with different picures on them like fire and water and leafs. "it is very rare thedre isa **  
**only one its name is Pikafire not pikachu." siad oka.**  
[Eli: What's with the short, annoyingly obvious sentences?]  
[That bothered me too. It would be the easiest thing in the world to just combine these, and it would have achieved the same thing. But clearly, we are dealing with a  
vastly incompetent writer.]  
[Eli: Was there any doubt?]  
[Hey, I read this before.]  
[Eli: And another thing. Why did she feel she had to explain that there is a difference between Pikafire and Pikachu-ey?]  
[That's Pikachu. And I don't know that. I am an intelligent person, but there is just so much about this disaster that makes no intellectual sense at all.]  
**'I will take it." I said happy. Pikafire was happy it was making fire and watre electrictiy.**  
[Eli: Water electricity? What's that?]  
[Water and electricity.]  
[Eli: Oooo, not a good combination. That's a disaster waiting to happen.]  
**I gaspecd. "Ya it can do fire and water and grass and all the attacks so it can use all the TMs. Take good care of it i knew it would be perfect for you. siad oka"**  
[Eli: She has a Pokemon that can do everything? Really? Where's the damn story? Is she supposed to learn how to control it? Is there a villain out there that's even  
more powerful?]  
[Pikafire's actually not as powerful as all that. There are more types than just those four. There's Psychic, Bug, Flying, Ghost, things like that.]  
[Eli: Is that what the villain will have? When do we get introduced to the villain?]  
[Well, technically, a story can have an antagonist and not have any outright villains.]  
[Eli: Are you saying that there is no villain in this story?]  
[Not at all.]  
[Eli: Then who are we supposed to hate?]  
[Well, that changes.]  
[Eli: What?]  
[It changes throughout the story. There are more than one villain.]  
[Eli: Oh really? That's interesting enough, I guess.]  
[They don't last long, so don't get your hopes up.]  
[Eli: YOU JUST MADE IT WORSE! Why did you have to tell me that?]  
**Ok I went outside a nd went away from Pallet toen to start gtoward the first gym.**  
[Eli: Ooooh, I get it. The antagonists are the champions at these gyms, right?]  
[That was the original idea.]  
[Eli: Original idea? What are you talking about?]  
[You'll see.]  
**AN: Please review only if you like it I dont want to eaer any bashing or critizem. JUST DONT! tell me how good it is k.**  
[Eli: Okay then. It was NOT good in any way, shape or form.]  
[Please stop shouting.]  
[Eli: Shut up! I shouldn't have to put up with this. I shouldn't be proving that I can read by exposing myself to this complete insult to any language. Teaching me how  
to read just to show me this?! Are you out to get me?]  
[Uh, no.]  
[Eli: You know what I think about this story?]  
[Well, yes, actually you-]  
[Eli: Rubyjanet is stupid, this story is stupid, YOU are stupid, and this commentary is stupid.]  
[Wha- Hey. Dude, you need to calm down.]  
[Eli: Kiss my ass, bozo! (leaves the room and slams the door behind him)]  
[Wow. What's his problem? I need to go check on him, folks. Thanks for checking this out, and come by next week for more, I think. Eli? Eli?! (leaves the room and  
shuts the door behind him)]


	3. Chapter 3

[Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, fans and nerds. I am Dark Brother 16, here with... well, noone this time. Unfortunately, Eli Irad has had to call in sick  
this week, because his previous condition has gotten worse. No conventional doctors have been able to tell us what's wrong with him, so I decided to turn to a much  
less conventional doctor. Let's go say hello to the character from The Wizarding Cold War- Wizards vs Vampires, Elizabeth Thatcher. Hello, Miss Thatcher.]  
[Thatcher: Hello.]  
[How's Eli doing?]  
[Eli: I'm in the room, slumped over a table and in so much pain that I can't move. Thanks for asking.]  
[Thatcher: Is this important? He needs his rest.]  
[I just thought that maybe Eli would like to know the results of the grading from the last chapter. Did he tell you about that?]  
[Thatcher: No, not really. Is that what you don't want to talk about, Eli?]  
[Eli: Mrgh, nngh, grhngh.]  
[Nice to see that you're in such a good mood today. Anyway, the word count for the last chapter was exactly six hundred and sixty-two, and out of those, about  
eighty-two were misspelled.]  
[Thatcher: That's kind of bad.]  
[Yeah, that's the whole point. Anyway, almost thirteen percent of the words are misspelled. That's way worse than last chapter.]  
[Eli: Yeah.]  
[Anyway, two more records were made yesterday. There were one hundred and fifty-seven grammatical errors, and three violations of the Code of Conduct on the  
FanFiction website.]  
[Thatcher: My stars, that's terrible. Who wrote this chapter? You?]  
[Me? No-ho-ho-ho. No. Someone else did. Eli and I were doing a commentary on this story on a FanFiction website, and it's... really bad.]  
[Thatcher: I'll say.]  
[Anyway, there was a possitive in failed character developement, but a negative in factual missteps. So there's that going for Rubyjanet. The author, Miss Thatcher,  
the author.]  
[Thatcher: Oh.]  
[Overall grade for Chapter Two: fifty-six point one three five percent. Overall grade of the entire story thus far: fifty-five point three five two percent]  
[Eli: Gragh! Agh!]  
[Eli? Is he okay?]  
[Thatcher: Yeah, that's why he needs to rest. If his pulse goes up too much, he will go into spasms of intense pain. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.]  
[(walks out of the room and into the studio) Okay, so, uh... sigh, I guess it's just me this time... Yeah, I'll try my best to keep this entertaining... So, the comparisons...  
Yeah. In the last chapter, the clothes description turned out to be zero this time. Which is a good thing, all things considered. However, the number of sentences with  
terrible adverbs totals two, though. While the last chapter didn't really have any rock concerts or the necessary planning, but it does have the lyrics to Bruno Mars's  
song, Catch a Grenade, or whatever it's actually called. Noone gets compared to a rockstar, no sex or rape, and no incredibly long ellipses points. This chapter has  
no gasping in it, and no cuttings, but there is textspeak involved. You know what, I think I'm going to drop the Cuttings criterian. It's just never going to be needed.  
There are so many other ways to compare this story with My Immortal. But the last chapter definitely went possitive with the demanding that the "flamers" leave her  
alone. So, yeah, a little bit disappointing, when it comes to the comparison. But there will be other opportunities, I'm sure of it.  
Now, let's move on with Chapter Three, shall we? Moving right along, huh?]  
**WHAT DID I SYA ABOYT FLKAMING BICHES!**  
[You said not to do it.]  
**ITS MY STORY iLL TELL IT HOW I WNAT**  
[Well, yeah, but you want people to understand what they're reading, right?]  
**TIS REALLY GOODX IF YOU DONT THINK SO THEN FUK YOU!11111**  
[Excuse me? Man, I'm so glad Eli's not around to read this. Girl, I'm single and I will stay single for as long as I can manage it. I'm not normal in that way, but that's  
just the way I am.]  
**AND ANOTHER THING RUBY IS NUT A MARY SUE SHE IS A COMPLICATED PERSON WHO IS MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYPONE ELSE K!1**  
[You just contradicted yourself here. And you lied. Ruby is actually an unbelieveably simple character, and by your own admission, she's much better than everyone  
else. That last part is the very definition of a Mary Sue. You're just too proud to realise that. Now, don't misunderstand. Pride is not necessarilly a bad thing. But if it  
blinds you to the point of delusions, then you need help.]  
**ANYWAY I GOT TO LEVEL 60 ON FIRE RED YESTERDY SO I KNOW WHat im talkign abot!1111**  
[What? No, listen, that's not how it works. The fact that you're good at a videogame, one of the most archaic Pokemon videogames out there, at that, means  
absolutely nothing in the writing world. What matters is the content of the story, how well it's organized, how well it's presented, and how well people are able to read  
it. That's the important thing, not some trashy, glitchy videogame. Aight?]  
**Anyway here is some more sotry fofr my fans.**  
[You don't have any fans. I've checked.]  
**I wnet into the forrest outside town and a girl ran up to me. "OMG ruby they are throwing a party for you!"**  
[And the very fact that she even knew who you were, or where to find you, though left completely unexplained, is apparently perfectly normal in this story.]  
**"WTF!" i said happlily**  
[Textspeak again.]  
**"Ya its in the next town. " the girl ran away excited to see me coz i was already famous for pokemon training.**  
[Even though she was not a trainer until just earlier that day. Honestly, if Ruby were really such a famous Trainer, then why didn't you show or even explain the fact  
that she was a trainer beforehand? And if she were already a Trainer, then why did she even have to bother getting a Starter in the first place? Explain that to me,  
please.]  
**Suddenly... a Articoono appeared. I gasped. Itwas not the normal blue but rad with gold tips on its wings and a whiote head. I threw a pokeball!...**  
[A rad Pokemon, huh? Far out, girl. Gangsta talk.]  
**The ball stopped wiggling and it was caught!11111**  
[How exciting. Notice that I say this in a monotone.]  
**I could not belive it. Articoono was mine it was a a legend like me.**  
[How are you legendary? Explain that. Is it because you trained Pokemon before you were allowed to? Why are you a legend?]  
**I went to the party. It was outside Virginin city. there were 300 people there and they wnated my autograpgs. I got dressed up in a red segin party dress with black **  
**streeks in my hair just like katy perry in Las vegas cideo.**  
[Comparisons to a rockstar and preparations for a party. My Immortal material. I'm taking a note of that.]  
**I did my hair up in a cool sideways ponytair so my hair fell into my blue eyes. I put in siver earrings that looked like fifre and did my makeup with red eyeshadow and **  
**likstick.**  
[Yet more pointless description of her outfit.]  
**Suddenly a girl ran up to me "OMG ruby they are throwing a party for you!"**  
[She's busy, kid. She's in a party right now.]  
**"WTF!" i said happlily**  
[Did you copy and paste this part twice? You did, didn't you? That's a violation of the FanFiction Code of Conduct.]  
**"Ya its in the next town. " the girl ran away excited to see me coz i was already famous for pokemon training. I went. I came to the party there were so many pople **  
**there.**  
[I already commented on this, so moving on.]  
**Sudden;ly i saw Gary. he was lokking extremy hot and sexah with his lung brown hair falling into his green eyes and i could tell he thoufght i was hot to.**  
["Lung" brown hair? If your lungs are brown, Ruby, I suggest visiting a doctor. Besides, Gary tried to crush your dreams. Don't fall for it, he'll take advantage of you.]  
**"You look very hot ruby he said sexily."**  
[Awkward adverb.]  
**"No i dont the other girls are like hotter than me with nice bobs nd everything."**  
[... (tries to speak, but can't)... Look, Rubyjanet, there's more to romance than sex appeal. I don't know this from experience, but I do know this.]  
**"I dont like the other girls they are such fukking sluts." Said gary in a low sexy voice that was all serioous.**  
[And how would Gary know that? He's probably been with them. Slap him in the face, Ruby. Slap him in the face really hard.]  
**He was wearing a Linkin Park t-shit with ripped up jeans that were black and a**  
[... That were black and a what?]  
**"Do want a battle." Gary moaned**  
[He moaned? I doubt that.]  
**"Ok" I sighed.**  
[This is painting a picture that I would much rather forget.]  
**I came outside. "GO Pikafire!"**

**Gary threw up a ball "Go sqaurter!"**  
[It's Squirtle, not Sqaurter.]  
**Sqaurter attacke Pikafire but Pikafie doged. "USe elceticf fire!" I screamed.**  
**PIKKKKAAAA!1111111111111**  
[You know, considering that this is supposed to be different from Pikachu, it's very similar.]  
**Squarter fell down dead. Gary stated to cry. "You bich you lkilled myu pokem on! he screamed and ran away.**  
[Hey, you did something right. You captured the correct emotional response from a Pokemon Trainer who would have their starter, their constant companion, die.  
But then there's the fact that you didn't describe the battle very well. It started, so I was like, "Yeah!" But then it was over, so I went, "What?" It was just boring.]  
**I got $334 for winning and used it to buy some more pokeballs and potions at the tiny store.**  
[What tiny store?]  
**There was also a clothes shop and I wnet in but the sales girl ran u[p to me and tripped and fell on her fatr face!**  
[Now, that's not very nice. Fat people have feelings too, you know.]  
**"HI I'm susan forrester." said the blond bimbo slut. (SUSUAN I FUKING H8 U BITCH!)**  
[A character insert? That violates yet another rule. If you're going to insert people, keep your personal opinion out of it, unless you make it Ruby's opinion, and  
portray it so that we care about it.]  
**"FUCK OFF I SCREAMED"**  
[Yeah, and that's really enough to make someone leave. That was sarcasm, in case you didn't know that, Rubyjanet.]  
**SUsan stared at me retareded and the screamed and ran away.**  
[Now you're picking on the mentally unprivileged You are a horrible person. You literally are. Come over to the Trailer Park and I'll teach you some manners, you  
brat.]  
**I left the shp coz it was full of fuking nana and pink clothe andblouses and gay crap.**  
[If you didn't want to insult anyone, then you'd have said, "I left the shop because I couldn't find anything there that I wanted."]  
**Suddenly Gary appeared. ""You look very hot ruby he said sexily." Do you want to be my grilfried?"**  
[Wait. He was balling his eyes out a few minutes ago. You set him up to be the villain, and now you're making him the love interest? No, that's really not how it  
works. There needs to be some internal conflict for Gary about his feelings for her and his overwhelming desire for revenge against her murdering his Pokemon. But I  
guess there is no desire for revenge, is there? Besides, what's a "grilfried"? Is that like barbacue? That reminds me, I'm hungry. It's almost lunch time. Let's move this  
along.]  
**I gasped.**

**AN: besyt chapa eva! pls reveiw my fans ands i need names for other trainers coz youll see why in my next chapa!**  
[This was one of the worst chapters so far, and that's saying a lot. You may have liked it, and that's fine. Everyone is perfectly cool with the fact that you like what  
you're doing. But the fact remains that... It's still bad. Reall, really bad. So, I'll have the grades for this chapter next week, and hopefully Eli will be back with us by  
then. Let's all wish him the best, and I'll go and check on him and get me a cheeseburger. Thanks for checking this out, and I'll see you next time.]


	4. Chapter 4

[Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, fans and nerds! I am Dark Brother 16, here this time with Elizabeth Thatcher, a character from The Wizarding Cold  
War- Wizards vs Vampires. This is weekly commentary number four. So, what made you decide to help me out this week, Elizabeth?]  
[Thatcher: Well, something Eli told me, actually.]  
[How is he?]  
[Thatcher: Not very well.]  
[That's very odd. Why isn't he healing from this?]  
[Thatcher: He has been. That's why he hasn't died yet. I can't imagine what he must be going through.]  
[Explain.]  
[Thatcher: Well, just follow me and I'll show you.]  
[Is it safe?]  
[Thatcher: Perfectly. (walks through door) I used a spell to put him under. He's been hallucinating heavilly for the last five days.]  
[Phew! Why's he covered in all that blood? And why are his ribs sticking out like that?]  
[Thatcher: It's because there's something inside of him. Something alive.]  
[Something inside him? But how?]  
[Thatcher: I couldn't tell you.]  
[Eli: Burning.. Freezing..]  
[What the-]  
[Thatcher: Sh.]  
[Eli: Hungry... Thirsty... Need murder... Need blood... Must... consume... all life... If it moves... breathes... eats... breeds... slaughter... Must... escape... Pain won't  
end... Must... return... (gargle)(choke)...(long snore)]  
[The heck?]  
[Thatcher: Let's go back. (returns to the studio) Six days ago, he began to complain that he was suffering from terrible headaches and unbearable fatigue. The next  
day, he attacked me due to an unprecedented state of delirium.]  
[Oh, man. What did he mean by return?]  
[Thatcher: Your guess is as good as mine. Because of his admitted obssession with this story, it's quite possible he means return to this commentary. But I'm not sure.  
When he attacked me, he was trying to leave the RV, not return to the studio.]  
[So, what does this have to do with you helping me out this week?]  
[Thatcher: Eli's illness seems to have something to do with this commentary. I want to see what this is all about.]  
[Okay then. Let's start out with the grading results of the previous chapter, shall we? Chapter three had a total word count of five hundred and ninety-three words,  
eighty-four of which were misspelled, bringing about an exact fourteen percent of the chapter.]  
[Thatcher: Oh my.]  
[Mm-hm. Grammatical errors pile up to one hundred and thirty-nine, four rules in the FanFiction Code of Conduct have been broken, and the story has gone  
possitive in both Failed Character Developement and Factual Missteps.]  
[Thatcher: That's horrible.]  
[Yeah, and that brings this piece of monstrocity to a total Chapter Grade of fifty-two point five one six percent.]  
[Thatcher: I wouldn't call it a monstrocity, exactly.]  
[You can think of something worse?]  
[Thatcher: Well, no, but there's probably an explanation as to why it's so bad.]  
[I blame ineptitude and an underdeveloped education system. Anyway, I told you already about Mt Immortal, so it's time to compare this story to that one. The  
description of clothing in this chapter totals fourteen point zero four percent, there are four sentences with terrible adverbs, which surprised me, by the way, and  
positive counts on needed shopping for rock concerts or parties, comparisons or mentioning of rockstars, and sex or rape.]  
[Thatcher: Are you sure? I didn't see any of that.]  
[Oh, you read the last chapter? Well, why don't you think so?]  
[Thatcher: Because there isn't any actual sex or rape in it.]  
[There is a conversation relating to it, though. Tell you what. Let's just leave it for now and debate this sometime later. Anyway, there are no incredibly long ellipses  
points, but the number of times a character gasps had been raised by two, bringing it up to four in the whole story. We need twenty-one more to tie My Immortal.  
Chapter three went positive with Textspeak, and it definitely went positive with demanding that people stop "flaming" her story.]  
[Thatcher: Has anyone really been flaming her story?]  
[Who knows? She takes offense to minor criticism, so it's almost impossible to tell. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. I couldn't find any genuine flames until Chapter  
two, when she began shouting at everyone.]  
[Thatcher: Maybe she's sensitive.]  
[Maybe? I don't think that there was ever any doubt. Anyway, that's all for the last chapter, so now it's time for an overall story report. Overall story grade is fifty-  
four point four zero six percent. That's a failing grade.]  
[Thatcher: She could still bring it up though.]  
[I don't think it would be that hard, but trust me, it doesn't get better. Let's get going on Chapter four and I'll show you.]  
STOPE FLMAING KMY STORY! I KNOW ABOT THE SPELLING MISTKAE S K IM USING WORDPAD IT HAS NOT SPELL CHECK K!  
[Thatcher: Wow. She is pretty mad.]  
[You want to see some really graphic fury? Stick around for some of the better chapters. And by better, I don't mean in quality, I mean in... This.]  
[Thatcher: What's this Wordpad?]  
[It's the program we're using right now to write this commentary. And no, it doesn't have Spellcheck. However, it should be pretty obvious that some of these words  
are horrendously misspelled.]  
ANYWAY I HAD TO WRITE THEM REALLY FAST K SO THERE ARE BOND TO B SUM MISTAKES IM NOT ALWAYS PERFECT K!  
[Thatcher: There's the explanation I was talking about, but it was kind of weak.]  
[Exactly. Besides, if she had to write it so fast, she should have just held onto it and corrected the mistakes. I'd also like to point out that this part, "IM NOT  
ALWAYS PERFECT K", is correct, because she hasn't been perfect at all so far. You heard the last two chapters' grades.]  
thankx to ma fans for da gud rewiews ill kep em cuming!  
[Thatcher: She'll keep what coming?]  
[Updates on the story. I'll be fair, this isn't that big of a mistake.]  
[Thatcher: True. It happens to everyone. She's young, and she'll make these kinds of mistakes.]  
[She'll also continue to make the other mistakes.]  
"FUCK OFF YOU PERV!" i screamed.  
[Thatcher: Was this her reaction to Gary Oak asking her to be his girlfriend?]  
[Yep. Or, as everyone likes to remember, his grillfried. Hahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Ah-ha! Ah-ha. Ahem... Yeah, anyway. The criticism I have for this part  
is that she was head over high heels for him last chapter, what happenned here? Did she realize what I pointed out last chapter, that the only way Gary could have  
known if all the other girls were sluts is if he had been with them?]  
[Thatcher: That's unlikely.]  
[Yeah. you're right. It's probably just some other reason Rubyjanet will pluck out of the air in the next few seconds.]  
"B but but" He stummerd.  
But i had herd enuff. "You used to be men to me when bakc in plate town."  
[Well, to his defense, men will be men. There's no need to be sexist about it.]  
[Thatcher: Besides, I've read the first three chapters, and he wasn't that mean. Is the protagonist an emotionally unstable girl?]  
[Not intentionally. The author based her character after herself.]  
[Thatcher: Oh.]  
I ran away cryin. I was so fuking depressed. But then I thought of Gary's sexah eyes and suddenly i wasnt mad anymore.  
[I don't get it. How can someone be both mad and depressed at the same time?]  
[Thatcher: It has been recorded to have happenned, you know. I know because I studied psychology. I took a sweeping course when I applied for the Ministry of  
Magic in England.]  
[Really? That's cool. So, how about this part about her thinking about Gary and not being angry anymore? Does that happen?]  
[Thatcher: Sure, all the time. If you're crazy about someone, you'll usually forget about anything else. Don't you know that?]  
[What, you mean from experience? No. Why?]  
[Thatcher: You've never had feelings for a girl?]  
[Well, what feelings, specifically?]  
[Thatcher: You've never been in love, have you?]  
[This is getting us nowhere. Let's move on.]  
"maybe he has changed sence trhen" i thought to myself.  
[Or, maybe he's been thrown disproportionately out of character.]  
[Thatcher: Oh, stop it, Brother.]  
Suddenly i herd a voice. "Hey Ruby whatsup gurl?" It was sAFFIRE (An: hey katie this is you!)  
[Thatcher: It's very hard to read this.]  
[It stays that way, trust me. I'd like to point out something, here. This Katie, the one that she says is who Saffire is based off of, is her best friend from real life. It's  
against the rules to insert real people into a story.]  
[Thatcher: She isn't actually a real person, though. She's based off of a real person. Besides, you're a real person.]  
[This is different. This is a commentary, not an actual story. But I get your point, here. So that hasn't broken any rules, now let's move on.]  
she was wearing a red trenchcoat with black jeans all ripped up the sides and blue eyeliner and a tight fitting boob tube that was blue and red and black. She had a  
blond hair with red steeks in it and clipped up in a kind of messy bun. She belted her jeans with a sparkled diamond belt like the on i had that i kept my pballs on.  
[Thatcher: Ugh! What horrible taste.]  
[Please don't go into an in-depth clothing critique. I'm a guy and I can't take that.]  
[Thatcher: You may have to one day, when you get a girlfriend.]  
[I don't need one. Besides, malls give me a headache.]  
[Thatcher: What? Come on.]  
[I'm serious. I can't stay in one of those places for more than twenty minutes.]  
"Oh nothing I said." sadly.  
"is it Gary?" Saffire inquired.  
"no... maybe..." i said all mysterious.  
[I hate it when she does this. You see this? "All mysterious". I. Hate. This. It's almost as if it would kill her to write "mysteriously".]  
[Thatcher: It's not even the right word.]  
[Yes, that's what I was about to say. She should have put down "evaded", instead of "said all mysterious". Blegh.]  
"OFFMG You should so go out with im!"  
[Yuck.]  
[Thatcher: Well, what did you expect? It's now obvious why you don't-]  
[Not that. Textspeak.]  
[Thatcher: Oh.]  
[She can't even text properly. It's supposed to be one "f". Now, about the girlfriend thing. If you keep bringing that up every single time we stop this, it's going to drag  
this out, so please get off my back about it. Besides, you're four years older than me.]  
[Thatcher: Five years. But fine, I will.]  
Suddenly a amazing dragonight appeARED wearing a red sadlle that fastened under the belly thagt was painted with a stuff like nail poilis execept it was for scales  
with a silvefr strap. Normally dragonnite is organe but this one was red with gold winges.  
[Okay, I chopped up a bigger chunk, so let's spend some more time on this. First sentence. This flows unaffectively. It goes from describing the sadle to describing  
the belly of the Dragonite, and then back to describing the sadle again. And all in the same sentence! This is a grammatical disaster.]  
[Thatcher: What is a Dragonite, anyway? Is it a good Pokemon?]  
[It's... Egh, it's alright. It's by no means the best, but it's not bad. I'd just like an explanation as to how and when Gary got one of these guys. But now on to the color  
of the Dragonite.]  
[Thatcher: Do they come in red?]  
[I don't think so. Besides, there's so much red in this story it becomes predictable and salty. Not just stale, but salty. It's painful even to hear about the color red by  
chapter ten. I personally like black, gray and green, but still, you don't see me using those colors very often in my stories, because people will get very bored by the  
same colors over and over again.]  
[Thatcher: Yeah, I know what you mean. The same reasoning goes behind why girls change their clothes so often. It shakes things up a bit.]  
[(gives her a deathstare)]  
[Thatcher: Sorry.]  
Then i heard a beautiful voice drift from behind draongite singing if i was your boyfriend by justin beeper.  
[Oh, hell.]  
[Thatcher: What? Who's Justin Beeper?]  
[Justin Bieber is probably the most annoying, sickenning, slack-jawed, talentless popstars since Michael Jackson. You know, that singer my mom told you about. The  
one that went crazy.]  
[Thatcher: Oh yeah. I liked his songs.]  
[Whose songs?]  
[Thatcher: Michael Jackson.]  
[Oh. Well, that's a pop culture reference, so I have to write that down.]  
I was so shockde! it was Gray! He got down one his knees and begged me to bew hos girlfried.  
[Hehehehehe. His girlfried. Hehe-haha. That's stupid.]  
[Thatcher: He really wants her to be his girlfriend, though.]  
[No, no. His "girlfried". There's a difference.]  
[Thatcher: But don't you think it's really sweet of him to do that?]  
[What did I say about-]  
[Thatcher: This has nothing to do with you, okay. Well, other than your opinion of the scene.]  
[I think that it's pathetic. He's not asking her to be his grillfri- I mean, girlfriend. He's worshipping her. It's nightmarishly, embaracingly unrealistic. Now granted, there  
are people like this out there, but they are rare. There's probably one or two in every three million.]  
[Thatcher; Well, I think that the attempt was commendable.]  
[Whatever. It won't save the chapter from the grading.]  
"Ruby I love you thats why i used to be mean to you back in plallet town. please be my girlfried ill die without you!?" he said hotly.  
[He used to be mean to her because he loved her? Isn't that... a mental issue, or something? Doing annoying things or even doing bad things just to get noticed. Isn't  
that... What? Narcassism?]  
[Thatcher: I suppose. Just think of it this way. Why are you doing this commentary?]  
[To let people know what I think of the story in an entertaining way?]  
[Thatcher: Not so that you can get a fanbase?]  
[I already have a fanbase. I got hundreds of fans when I wrote your and Eli's stories. I'm not a narcassist, exactly.]  
[Thatcher: Mm-hm.]  
[... So, on to this next part. The "I'll die without you" part. That's brutally unrealisitc and suggests to me that he needs to be checked into the Suicide Hotline and an  
Insane Aylum.]  
[Thatcher: Yeah, it's because he's insanely in love and he'll be unable to live without his true love.]  
[Was that a joke? You know what, it doesn't matter. The last part I wanted to point out was this awkward adverb. In the mainstream usage of the word "hotly", it  
means to be angry. This sounds confrontational to me.]  
[Thatcher: Well, if you put it that way, then yes, it does sound confrontational.]  
[And worthy of a restraining order.]  
[Thatcher: But it wasn't meant to say that.]  
[I know it wasn't meant to say that. That's the point. The fact that anyone could mistake that for what we've found is the entire problem.]  
I was so flattered i said yes.  
[Yeah, it's not because you were flattered, it's because you were threatenned by the insane guy who has narcassism.]  
I hopped behind him oon the dragonight and we flew somewhere over loooking the world bellow. We flew around then stopped. I got off. Gary aswell.  
[Thatcher: Okay, I was looking for something a little more meaningful and more romatic than that.]  
[Maybe if she dragged it out a bit, made more description.]  
[Thatcher: Exactly. Considering you haven't been in love before, you know a lot about it.]  
[No, I don't. I know what to put down in a story to pass it off. Big difference.]  
We looke d deep into each odders eyes. Then... we started to make out hot and heavy! we took of each odderes clothes and did it FOR THE FIRST TIME on the  
ground sexily. Then... we fell aslep together.  
[Thatcher: ... Uh, no. No. No, that's not how it works, Rubyjanet.]  
[(remains silent to let Thatcher rant)]  
[Thatcher: The way it works is that they decide to be boyfriend and girlfriend, which they did. Then they hang out regularly and call each other on the phone, which I  
have recently learned how to do, by the way. After doing that for about a year, the boy begins to ask the girl out to lunch or dinner or something like that. By the time  
they have been doing this for more than a year, then they probably begin kissing. Once they are old enough to get married, then they do so, and then do "it". You  
have it all backwards.]  
[Are you done?]  
[Thatcher: I think so. It's not like she can hear me, anyway.]  
An: c wos that stupid?  
[Yes, it was.]  
an; isnt gary so sexy? anywaqy my fans till next time i chapa. cant wait!11  
[Thatcher: I don't know this Gary very well, and I really don't want to at this point, because there's more to life than sex appeal.]  
[I can't wait to grade this chapter. This will be one of her worst. I know I said that about her last chapter, but her skill just keeps getting worse and worse. So, remind  
me. What do you think that this story has to do with Eli?]  
[Thatcher: I don't know, but something's wrong with it.]  
[That's always been obvious.]  
[Thatcher: No, I mean it's radiating something.]  
[Radiating something? Is it dangerous?]  
[Thatcher: It made Eli get sick the way he is, so it just might be.]  
[I've been reading this much longer than he has. Why am I not sick?]  
[Thatcher: I don't know, but-]  
[Eli: AAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!]  
[Thatcher: Eli! (runs out of the studio)]  
[(also runs out of the studio)]  
[Eli: Agh! Agh! Agh! Aaaiiiiigghh! Hargh!]  
[Thatcher: Eli, Eli calm down. Brother, get a spoon!]  
[(gets a spoon)]  
[Eli: Aaaaillgh! Aigh-Blecgh! Hagh! (chokes over the spoon) (after more screaming, Eli's chest explodes, revealing a scaly, light red creature)]  
[Thatcher: Ugh! Catch it! Catch it!]  
[It's getting away!]


	5. Chapter 5

[Oh, hello everyone. I'm just going to cut right to the chase. I'm here with Elizabeth Thatcher from The Wizarding Cold War- Wizards vs Vampires and  
Eli Irad from Star Wars the Clone Wars- Irad's Adventures. I'm sure that you all have heard about the incident last week, and you'll be happy to know that Eli is  
feeling better now. He has healed himself up and is now up and about and helping us continue searching for that strange creature.]  
[Eli: Yeah. When we find the little bastard, you give it to me so I can stomp on its head. I have a score to settle.]  
[Thatcher: Aren't you supposed to be sure that you're not angry?]  
[Eli: Well, I am mad. That thing made me go through three weeks of Hell, and now it's out there somewhere doing who-knows-what.]  
[Sounds sort of like just anger to me. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure that you are all confused about what happened, so Thatcher and I will try and explain.  
Thatcher?]  
[Thatcher: Well, Eli and I have analysed the story that you left unlocked for us, meaning only the ones we already did, and Eli has found something that we haven't  
noticed before.]  
[Eli?]  
[Eli: Rubyjanet's story is fused with a massive surge of Dark Side energy, so much, it feels like Korriban.]  
[What? You didn't tell me that part. Isn't that place the epitome of evil in your Galaxy?]  
[Eli: Something like that.]  
[Thatcher: Anyway, that's the radiation that I felt last week. Somehow, the energy began radiating about the same time that you and Eli said that you were going to  
compare it to My Immortal. This story is intelligent, somehow. I think that the author, Rubyjanet, has infested it with herself and her negative emotions, and those  
emotions somehow figured out that it could breed that creature more effectively when it infected Eli, who could feed it living energy non-stop for three weeks.]  
[That thing looked a lot like an Alien from my story, Alien vs Predator vs Terminator.]  
[Eli: Do they have elongated, oval, eyeless heads?]  
[Yes.]  
[Eli: Do they have long tails with sharp barbs on the end?]  
[Yes.]  
[Eli: What about red scales?]  
[No, they're usually either green, black or yellow.]  
[Eli: So, do they have little horns on the side of their heads and on their shoulders, knees and spines?]  
[No.]  
[Thatcher: It sounds like this thing has been created to be far more powerful than a regular Alien. The red scales suggest that it's something out of Rubyjanet's  
imagination.]  
[It might not be that tough, then. But we still don't know where it is. It ran into the studio, and then just disappeared.]  
[Thatcher: I have a suspicion.]  
[Let's hear it.]  
[Thatcher: If you remember, your little computer was knocked over when it disappeared. So, I suspect that that may have something to do with it.]  
[Eli: Hey, yeah, good point. Where do you have the story notes for Alien, Predators and Termination? Let's see if it has shown up on there.]  
[(pulls up the notes for Alien vs Predator vs Terminator) No, I don't see anything... I'm going to try something else... (pulls up the story notes for Star Wars the Clone  
Wars- Irad's Adventures) Nothing. (pulls up the notes for Skyrim Allegience) There's something here! Something call The Beast.]  
[Eli: We got you now, you son of a bitch.]  
[Thatcher, do you remember how you got here?]  
[Thatcher: Yes, but it's going to take a while to get the spell ready.]  
[Okay, do that, and Eli and I will go ahead and commentary Chapter five.]  
[Eli: Oh... Eh, you know what, I just remembered that I have to go... do... something else]  
[Don't worry Eli, I'll protect you.]  
[Eli: I'm so happy.]  
[Anyway, let's start with the grade for the previous Chapter. Out of four hundred and fifty words, seventy-five were misspelled, bringing a total of seventeen point  
four four two percent of the entire chapter to be incorrectly spelled. There were one hundred and sixteen grammatical errors, there were three violations of the Code  
of Conduct, Rubyjanet went positive in failed character development and there were four factual missteps. Overall Chapter grade: Fifty-five point five five percent.]  
[Eli: Meaning that the overall story grade is...]  
[Fifty-four point six nine two five percent.]  
[Eli: Has it gone up? Her grade?]  
[Maybe a little bit, but she still has a failing grade. Now, on to the comparison to My Immortal. Description of someone's clothes totals sixteen point zero four six  
percent of the entire chapter.]  
[Eli: Hmph. Girls.]  
[Thatcher: Hey.]  
[Eli: Come on, you're an adult.]  
[There were four sentences with terrible adverbs, and, surprisingly, the last Chapter scored negatively in Preparations for rock concerts or parties. However, it did  
have a comparison with a rockstar.]  
[Thatcher: When?]  
[You know, when Gary sang a song by Justin Bieber.]  
[Eli: Who the hell is Justin Bieber?]  
[Eli, you don't wanna know. Suffice it to say that Rubyjanet likes him.]  
[Eli: Ew.]  
[There was a positive with sex or rape-]  
[Eli: In that case, I'm glad I was suffering excruciating pain. I wouldn't have wanted to read her depict a sex scene, because this bull-]  
[Moving on. Negative on incredibly long ellipses, zero times a character gasps, but positives in textspeak and demanding that the reviewers "stop flaming".]  
[Eli: Surprising results.]  
[Let's move on to Chapter five, shall we? Don't worry, Eli, there will be no more parasitic monsters coming out of this.]  
AN: YOU POPLE ARE SO FUKKIN MEN!  
[Eli: Sexist.]  
[Yeah, besides, I don't know about that. I'm seventeen and you're a bit younger than I am. The only adult here is Thatcher, and she's a woman.]  
IM NUT FORCIN U TO RED DIS STOY SO IF YOU DONT LIKE THEN FUK OFF  
[Eli: I'm being forced to read it.]  
[Come on, man. I'm not forcing you to do it, really. You were testing your reading skills, then you became obsessed with the story, and now we have a mystery to  
solve.]  
[Eli: I say let the story create these monsters. I don't really give a damn. As long as I get to kill them when they're born.]  
[That's the idea, later.]  
I DONT WANT NE MOR CRITISM!  
[If you can't deal with criticism, then don't post on a public website. Besides, criticism is an author's best friend.]  
[Eli: Yeah, because it's obvious that you need improvement, you little weasle.]  
IM NOT A TROLL TROLLS ARE UGLY AND IM NOT MY MUM SAYS SO BESIDES I HAV A BF SO THERE. YOU R TROOLS BASTARDS!  
[Eli: What's this about trolls?]  
[An Internet term. It means that she just says insane things to make people say angry things. It's a term meaning manipulative, annoying little child.]  
[Eli: She clearly doesn't understand what it means.]  
[Yeah, obviously. And she's a brat, too. Her "mum" says she's perfect and stuff, hence her attitude here.]  
[Eli: Pathetic. Let me track her down, I'll show that spoiled bitch what the real world feels like.]  
[Oh, but she'll get her boyfriend to kick your butt.]  
[Eli: I'll kill her boyfriend.]  
[Good to have you back, Eli.]  
I HAT U Y EVEN BOTHR SAYN SOMETHIN IF YOUR GONG TO BE MEAN!11  
[Eli: I don't know. Why are you bothering to say mean things? You wouldn't dare say these things to my face when you know I'd tear your throat out.]  
AND MY NAM IS SARA TOPSON NUT TARA GILBE AND NOT TROLL!11  
[Yet another violation of Internet rules. This is more than just a violation of the FanFiction rules. She could have her identity stolen.]  
[Thatcher: How would someone steal the identity of another person?]  
[Never mind.]  
AND A NTOHER THING ZAKAR U R RONG ABOT DI STORY MINE IS FUKIN WAY BETA THAN URS  
[Eli: I sincerely doubt that her story is better than anyone's.]  
[I doubt she even read his story.]  
I HAVE 20 FReVITES U DONT! ITS NO FAR U R OLDDER THAN ME ANYWAY!  
[Eli: She does not have twenty favorites.]  
[She thinks she does.]  
[Eli: That doesn't count for much. Besides, who cares how old she is? If she's really a friggin' genius, then she should outshine the older people.]  
[But she doesn't.]  
ANYWAY KATIE GET BACK FROM AUSTRIA 2MORO SO SHE CAN HELP MY SPELIN THEN U WIL C MINE IS BETA!  
[Eli: If it's really better, then she should be able to show us how good it is without help. By the way, who's this Katie?]  
[Her best friend.]  
SO THERE U WILL I WILL FIX MA SPELLING THEN MY SOTY WILL B BETA THAN EVERYONES.  
[She fails to notice that it's not just the spelling that's off. I have ten stories, counting this commentary, your story, Eli, and Thatcher's, and they're each better than all  
of Rubyjanet's and Katie's stories put together. I've checked.]  
[Eli: This Katie is on FanFiction too?]  
[Yep. And I must say, her spelling is better, but her quality is overall just as bad.]  
[Eli: Hell.]  
ITS NUT FAIR O EXCEPT PERFECT WRITIN IM NOT A PROF WRITER IM DONG IT FOR ENGLISH.  
[Eli: How's it not fair? She gave it to us, and we don't like it. How's that not fair?]  
[It's not fair because we don't like her story.]  
[Eli: If she's so upset about it, then why doesn't she just take everyone's advice and fix the damn thing?]  
[Because she's a spoiled brat with an ego the size of a solar system?]  
Y CANT U JUST LIK IT  
[Eli: Because it's bad.]  
I LIKED URS.  
[Eli: No, you didn't. You said it sucks ass. You don't insult something's very essence and then say that you like it.]  
I HAD TO RITE RELLY QUICKERLY I BET U FUKKER S WOOD WRITE BAD IF U HAD TO 2.  
[Actually, I probably would, but I would hold onto it to be sure that I get it right. I wouldn't post it right away. Besides, you didn't say why you had to write it  
quickly.]  
[Thatcher: She said it was for her English class.]  
[All the more reason to get it right.]  
ANY WAY MY STORY WILL B BETA THEN EVERY1S SO THERE AND ILL PROV IT.  
[Eli: You will try.]  
[At least she's pretending to be motivated. But the overall product is still way worse than anything but My Immortal.]  
DONT TELL ME TO GO DIE U GPO DIE BUSTARD! UD B SRRY IF I DIED MY MUM SAYS UR JUSTA STUPID PERSON AND I SHOND LOK AT  
U.  
[I don't know who told her to go die, but that was uncalled for, even in this situation.]  
[Eli: Not by that much, though.]  
[Well, how can she learn better if she's dead? Noone else has her password, so noone would be able to fix it.]  
[Eli: Oh.]  
AN: Thanks for your help Katie wif my spelling again u rock gurl. I was watching pokemon the other day and got a TON of inspiration so heres some moe for my  
fans!  
[Eli: You don't have any fans, you dumb bitch!]  
[Stop shouting.]  
[Eli: I CAN SHOUT IF I WANT TO!]  
[Please stop shouting?... Thank you. I'd like to point out that it's very good that she has inspiration. That's great. I actually watch TV to get inspiration. I read classical  
literature and play video games, too. But I don't ever assume that my stories will be the best just because of that.]  
When i woke up the tv was on. "We have news that the pokemon are acting strangely and seem to be flying to the Artic in big numbers." said the newslady.  
[Eli: Okay, that was a bad delivery, but this is still getting interesting.]  
[How so?]  
[Eli: What? You're the author, and you're asking me? You're smart enough to know.]  
[I just thought I'd give you the spotlight for a little while. You have been out of it for a while.]  
[Eli: Oh, okay. Fine. It's interesting because it's obviously something that doesn't happen very often. This must be the part of the story when the plot begins to thicken,  
and it leaves me wanting to know what happens.]  
[Mm-hm. Rubyjanet has this going for her, I'll admit that. Let's see what happens.]  
"OMG!" I sad. Gary woke up then and loked at the tv. He gasped.  
[Eli: He gasped.]  
"This dont look good." He sad in a low voice.  
["This don't look good at all."]  
"I feel it to." I sad wisely. It was a bad feeling we both had abot it.  
[Eli: What? Is that the Force? Come on, that's just stupid. And the word wisely is used wrong.]  
We went to the Antartica to see what was gong on.  
[Eli: They just show up to Antarctica? Just like that? No detail? Rubyjanet is bad at detail.]  
[I'd like to point something else out. She initially said that they were going to the Arctic, but now she's saying that they went to Antarctica.]  
[Eli: So?]  
[So, those are two different places.]  
All the pokemon were moving into this ice castle that was behind the resort we were being staying at.  
[That would be pretty cool, if it was possible for anyone to live in Antarctica.]  
We wen inside and got these pineapple drinks and watched the water like the one in the movie.  
[Eli; What movie?]  
[She's assuming that everyone knows what she's talking about.]  
[Thatcher: Pineapple drinks in Antarctica? People drink those in a Tropic, not in a barren wasteland. Those things will freeze.]  
Suddenly I herd a voice. This old lady touched me on my shoulder. "You have a great destiny abot u." She sadi all mytseriuos.  
[I hate that! Honestly, is she physically or mentally incapable of saying the word "mysteriously"? Why does she think that doing it this way is better? Is this how she  
really talks? Because I can understand if she's making the "I really talk like this" mistake. I would be okay with that. I really would. But since she never gives a reason  
for saying it like this, it really, really bugs me. Am I very smart, or is she very stupid? Is it both? Because I can't understand this. I really, really can't. I'm seriously  
incapable of bending that low intellectually. I am mentally incapable of understanding the reasoning or lack thereof behind this...]  
[Eli: You done?]  
[Yeah. Thanks for bearing with me. Let's move on.]  
"What the beep?" I inquired but she went away then because the concert on the stage in the back was stating.  
[Eli: Seriously? She's worrying about foul language now? I'm not buying it.]  
[Yes, it's just so out of place. Plus, there's a concert. I'll have to keep track of that. Oh, and there's an awkward flow of words here at the end of the sentence.]  
Green Day walked out and stated to sing by Billy Joel Armstrung. "One 21 guns lay down your arms give up the fite." He sang loudly. (An: Doesnt he look so hot in  
that vid with the bullets all flying."  
[Oh no. Green Day? Really? Green Day is terrible. They made only one song that's worth anything, and that's Boulevard of Broken Dreams.]  
[Eli: And who's Billy Joel Armstrong?]  
[Here, I'll show you who he is. Hang on. (pulls up a YouTube video of Billy Joel Armstrong)]  
[Eli: Ew. What's wrong with his hair?]  
[Thatcher: What's wrong with his face? He's so pale and gaunt.]  
[Aren't you supposed to find the spell that got you here?]  
[Thatcher: It's ready. I'm waiting on you boys now.]  
[Okay. So, this is paused, but this is a video of how and why Billy Joel Armstrong is such an infamous example of why those in pop culture are such despicable  
human beings.]  
[Billy Joel Armstrong: F(beep) this sh(beep). F(beep) this sh(beep), I'm singing a new me a f(beep)ing break. One minute left. One minute left. One minute  
f(beep)ing left. You're gonna give me one f(beep)ing minute? Just- Look at that f(beep)ing sign right there. One minute. Let me f(beep)ing tell you something. Let me  
f(beep)ing tell you something. I've been around since f(beep)ing 1980-f(beep)ing-8. And you're gonna give me one f(beep)ing minute?! You gotta be f(beep)ing  
kidding me! You're f(beep)ing kidding me. What the f(beep)? I'm not f(beep)ing Justin Bieber, you motherf(beep)s! You gotta be f(beep)ing joking. This is a f(beep)  
ing joke. I got one minute. One minute left- Oh, now I got nothing left. Now I got nothing left. (takes guitar in his hands) Let me show you what one f(beep)ing minute  
f(beep)ing means. (brutally smashes guitar after several tries) (uses middle finger) One minute. God f(beep)ing love you all. We'll be back.]  
[Eli: Woooooooooow. What's his problem?]  
[Drugs and a lot of pride.]  
[Eli: It's funny, though, that he takes so long to break the guitar.]  
[Ha! Yeah, it is.]  
[Thatcher: This is one of Rubyjanet's role models?]  
[Yep. And it actually makes perfect sense.]  
We got up and danced a while. Then Billy went as a girl walked on stage with a bit of paper.  
[Eli: Did he say any of those things he said in the video? I hope not, because you'll be crushed, you insecure bitch.]  
I was curious what the paper was as she appraoched mike.  
[Thatcher: Who's Mike?]  
["The" mike.]  
[Thatcher: Oh.]  
"Welcome all to Emerald island tonight we have a prize giving for the best trainer and it is...RUBY JANET MASTERBALL!  
[Eli: Emerald Island? I thought that they were at Antarctica.]  
[Thatcher: And what are the odds that she gets picked for a random prize?]  
[She's a Mary Sue. These things tend to happen to them.]  
I gasped. Gary was clapping. I went up and got the trophy.  
[Eli: Blech.]  
Pikafire was happy it was doing fire and water electricity.  
[Meaning, "fire, water and electricity".]  
After ever1 wnated my autograph Gary came and said. "Ruby come quick I have a surprise for you." I wnet with him and into another room.  
[Eli: Oh great, now something else good happens to her. Mary Sue, indeed.]  
SURPRISE! I was a party for me. "I knew u were gong to win so I arranged this." He said slyly.  
[Eli: Another damn party? What the hell?]  
I was electric.  
[I think she means to say ecstatic.]  
He kissed me in front of everyone who clapped at how cute we looked together.  
[Eli: Blech.]  
[Thatcher: Maybe Rubyjanet thinks that this is romantic.]  
[It was supposed to be, but she forgot one thing. Why are the Pokemon there, and how is she going to make them leave?]  
We danced awhile then the old lady grapped me. "Sarah you must come quick and look outside!"  
I ent to the widow. The sky was all dark and ominious.  
[Eli: What's this?]  
[The plot thickening.]  
"You must sav us Ruby you are the chosen one." Said the old woman and she pulled out a flute. "You must go to Ice Mountain and sunmon Loogia with this flu."  
"Other wise we are doomed and that is why all the pokemon are coming"  
[Eli: At least she's not "chosed". But since when was she chosen to do anything special?]  
[Just now.]  
[Eli: Lame. By the way, if they're all going to be doomed, why are all the Pokemon coming? Shouldn't they be trying to stay as far away as possible?]  
[It's Ruby logic.]  
"No Ruby it is to dangerous." Gary sad with tears in his green eyes. But I ignored him.  
I took the flute. I knew what to do...  
[Thatcher: Okay, that was not bad. But why is Gary crying?]  
[Noone but Rubyjanet knows. Probably because he's scared.]  
[Eli: Let's see how the next part unfolds.]  
[Actually, that's the end of the chapter.]  
[Eli: It is? I must say, that was actually not a half bad ending.]  
[No, it wasn't. But like everything else, it doesn't save the chapter from a failing grade. So Thatcher, you say the spell is ready?]  
[Thatcher: Yes, it is. Okay, get around me.]  
[(Dark Brother 16 and Eli stand around her)]  
[Thatcher: Cronum Transcendius!]  
[(everyone travels through dimensions and find themselves in a large forest.)]  
[Eli: So, where are we?]  
[This is Skyrim, a mythical country in a fictional land called Nirn. It should be somewhere around here. Let's go.]


	6. Chapter 6

[Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, fans and nerds! I am Dark Brother 16 reporting live from Skyrim, Falkreath Hold, with Eli Irad and Elizabeth Thatcher.  
So, I'm afraid that we have been unable to locate The Beast since the last weekly update. Eli has been trying to locate it through the Force, and it doesn't seem to be  
anywhere in Skyrim. But we are checking Falkreath Hold, just in case there is some trace of it. Anything Eli?]  
[Eli: No. I've got nothing.]  
[Thatcher: We need to get back to the studio and check to see if there's another story that's been changed.]  
[Yeah, okay. Everyone gather around and let's-]  
[Cicero: Noone is moving, oh no! Noone will move or they will be gutted like livestock.]  
[Eli: What the hell are you supposed to be?]  
[Cicero: Cicero? Cicero is the Keeper, the Keeper of the Night Mother's corpse. It's Cicero's job to be sure that the Night Mother is safe and comfortable.]  
[Eli: So, what's with the jester suit?]  
[I know who he is. He went insane when he took the job of Keeper. He works for the Dark Brotherhood, an assassin group based in Skyrim. They were all but  
destroyed until someone became the Listener.]  
[Cicero: (lowers his weapon in surprise) How do you know so much of us? What else do you know? Tell Cicero!]  
[Eli: (draws his lightsaber) What are you going to do about it, you crazy little midget?]  
[Cicero: Oh, Cicero really doesn't like you. Cicero will probably cut open your stomach and hold you upside down and watch you bleed to death.]  
[Thatcher: (raises her wand) I won't let you do that.]  
[Everyone stop. Now. We are wasting time here.]  
[Eli: Yeah, you're right. Which is why I'm going to chop off his head so we can be on our way.]  
[Cicero: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's what you think. (draws his knife and handaxe and leaps into battle)]  
[Eli: (leaps into battle, swings at Cicero and misses)]  
[Cicero: (stabs Eli's leg) Hahahahaha! Stab, stab, stab!]  
[Eli: Agh! SHUT THE HELL UP!]  
[Thatcher: (fires a disarm spell at Cicero, sending his weapons flying)]  
[Cicero: (punches Eli in the face and knees him in the gut)(runs up to Thatcher and punches her thirteen times)]  
[Eli: (Force Pushes Cicero away from Thatcher)]  
[Cicero: Oof! (lands beside his knife, notices it, and then picks it up) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Idiot boy! Fool! You have given me the opportunity that I  
need to defeat you.]  
[(points the handaxe at Cicero's neck from behind) No, he gave me mine. Now put away your knife.]  
[Cicero: He-he-he-he. Yes, yes, of course. Cicero does indeed value his own life enough to realise that he needs to obey. (sheathes his knife) Cicero knows when  
he's been beaten.]  
[We could all kill you if we had to. (offers Cicero his ax) Now get out of here.]  
[Eli: Thatcher, are you alright?]  
[Thatcher: I'll- I'll be alright. My lip is bleeding, but that's all. Thanks for saving me.]  
[Eli: Don't mention it.]  
[Okay, everyone, let's get out of here.]  
[Cicero: Wait! Wait! Cicero wishes to accompany you.]  
[Eli: Oh, hell no.]  
[Why is that, Cicero? We just tried to kill each other.]  
[Cicero: Ah yes. But such is the way of things. Relations among individuals change. Cicero wishes to accompany you on your journey. Cicero can help you find the  
animal that you seek.]  
[Thatcher: You know where it is?]  
[Cicero: Er, no. Cicero doesn't actually know where it is, but such is the purpose of a quest. To find something. In this case, to find the monster and- STAB, STAB,  
STAB, STAB, STAB, STAB, STAB, STAB! Cicero has seen The Beast, and has followed it to a cave near the town of Falkreath, but it vanished into thin air.]  
[Eli: Great. Looks like it has gone into a different story.]  
[Hmm... Okay, Cicero, you may come along.]  
[Eli: What?]  
[Cicero: Oh, ho, ho. Thank you, my new master. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Cicero will not disappoint you. The Listener can take care of Mother for the  
short while that Cicero is gone.]  
[Good to know. Let's get going. Thatcher?]  
[Thatcher: Cronum Transcendius!]  
[(all go back to the studio)]  
[Cicero: This is indeed a very strange lair. One would never suspect anything would occur here.]  
[That's... pretty much the idea. (checks laptop for changes in stories) Nothing here.]  
[Eli: Oh, great. Now what do we do?]  
[I have more stories on a second laptop. Tell you what. Eli, you and Thatcher do the commentary for chapter six while I look for The Beast.]  
[Eli: Us? By ourselves?]  
[Thatcher: What about the grade for the last chapter?]  
[It's already embedded in the chapter. All you have to do is read it.]  
[Thatcher: Okay.]  
[Cicero, you help me.]  
[Cicero: Oh, yes master. Of course.]  
[Eli: I really don't like that guy. Okay, so the last chapter had a total of seven hundred and eighteen words, one hundred and thirty of which were misspelled. One  
hundred and freaking thirty.]  
[Thatcher: That's a total of eighteen point one percent.]  
[Eli: New record. One hundred and twenty-two grammar errors, four broken rules, positive in failed character development, five factual missteps-]  
[Thatcher: And a partritch in a pear tree.]  
[Eli: What the hell's a partritch?]  
[Thatcher: Never mind, it was a joke anyway. So, the overall chapter grade is...]  
[Eli: Fifty-five point five two four percent. Overall story grade is fifty-four point eight five eight eight percent. Oddly enough, no description of clothes. But thirteen  
point five eight percent of the chapter had sentences with terrible adverbs.]  
[Thatcher: A positive count on preparations for a rock concert. Positive count in comparisons to rock stars? I'm not so sure I agree with that.]  
[Eli: Let's just leave it and move on. Negative on sex or rape, thank goodness. No incredibly long ellipses points, but two times a character gasps. That brings the  
total to... what?]  
[Six.]  
[Thatcher: Thank you. Anyway, to finish up, there's a positive on textspeak and demanding that reviewers stop flaming.]  
[Eli: Yep, that's it for the grading. Let's get into the really hard work now. Reading the damn thing.]  
An: Ruby you rock thankx for helping wif ma speling Ill get u sumthing gud for ur bday 2morro k!  
[Eli: Why's she thanking herself?]  
[Thatcher: She said in a previous chapter that her name was actually Sarah.]  
[Eli: Oh, well then, if she got help, why is her spelling still so terrible? Are there seriously two equally stupid bitches on her side of the screen?]  
[Thatcher: I'd appreciate it if you didn't say that word.]  
[Eli: Why?]  
[Thatcher: Because it's usually used to describe women in a sexist way.]  
[Eli: It is not a sexist word, because not all women are bitches and not all bitches are women. Okay? Okay, moving on.]  
BTW UR STORY IS AMAZING KATIE I LUV U GURL IM PUTTING U AND SLY IN DA NEX CHAOPA K!  
[Eli: Brother already read her story, and he said that it was just as terrible as Rubyjanet's. And who's this dude Sly?]  
[Thatcher: Probably a character from Katie's story. We don't need to keep reading very much to know that she'll do that, because she already told us.]  
ZAK MY SOTRY IS STILL BETA I RED URS AND IT MADE NO SENSE!  
[Eli: It probably makes more sense than this bull-]  
BUG)EYE IS STUPID N MAKES NO SENCE AND IS GROS PERVERT!  
[Thatcher: Says the girl who wrote about having sex on the first date before the legal age. Someone needs to sit down and have a talk with this girl.]  
[Eli: Good luck.]  
Y R U POPLE STILL FLAMING I SAD NO MORE! iT ONLY MAKES U LOK STUPID NOT ME!  
[Eli: You're right. You misspelling every single word makes you look stupid. And just because you said to stop doesn't mean that anyone's gonna stop, dumbass.]  
I AM NUT A TROLL I AM A BEATUFUL PERSON K!  
[Thatcher: I'm sure you are, dear.]  
AND ANOFFER THING I AM 14 NUT 12 SO FU WRONG!1  
[Eli: That's another violation of the whatever-you-call-it Privacy Policy. Besides, noone gives a crap.]  
ALSO I DID NUT REVIEW MA OWN STORY I HAV TONS OF FUKKING FANS K!1i HAVE 50 REVIEW NOW NU SOOO STUPID FUKKERS  
[Eli: By claiming that you didn't, you now have left suspicion that you did, because noone asked before now. Besides, you have no fans anymore, so shut the hell up,  
you annoying little girl.]  
urs sortys SUCK COMPARED WIT MINE SO THERE!  
[Eli: No, your story's terrible. I doubt you can even read, let alone actually set aside enough time to read the stories of everyone that left you a review. So there.]  
AND IM A GURL NUT A BOI U STUPID FUKKER!1  
[Thatcher: Yeah, that's why your name is Sarah, isn't it? But that's no excuse to use such foul language. That's what Eli's here for.]  
[Eli: Yeah.]  
I DUNT NED UR HELP YOU JUS WANT 2 STEEL MA IDEAS COZ URS SUCK FUK U!  
[Eli: You need lots of help. You already admitted that someone's been helping you, so why aren't you accepting help from someone who actually knows what they  
are doing, huh?]  
ZAKAR U ARE MEAN AND A FUKKING PERV MUM IS MAD of YOU! U FUKKING SUK FUK U!111 U R STUPID N CANT RITE BASTARD!  
[Thatcher: Those are very disrespectful things to say, dear. I don't know what he did, but calling him a pervert is uncalled for.]  
[Eli: Yeah, and I especially like the part where she says that he can't write, while she misspells every word in that sentence except "stupid" and "bastard".]  
U CANT COMPLAINS ABOUT SPELLING NOW COZ I USEDX SPEEL CHECK NOW!  
[Eli: No, you damn well didn't! If you used spell check, then why are there so many misspelled words?]  
I gut on a sled with growliths pulling it along.  
[Eli: I don't know what the hell "growliths" are, but I'm guessing that they can't pull a sled.]  
We went to the castle mountain where the Triforce was.  
[Eli: Wait a minute, Triforce? What's a Triforce?]  
[We found it! The Beast is in my Pokemon story. Anyway, what did you say happenned?]  
[Thatcher: Something about a Triforce.]  
[Heeeh-HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, this must be the part where Rubyjanet begins using things in her story that are most definitely not Pokemon. Triforce is an aspect  
of a separate video game series called Legend of Zelda.]  
[Eli: That's stupid. She's supposed to keep it in Pokemon, so keep it in Pokemon.]  
[Actually, it's supposed to stay in something else called Dragonball Z, but that doesn't come up until way later.]  
The legendry bird pokemon flu over oar heads shouting at me. I dogged a firebeam and landed in the ice. Then the ice started to break and I had to run away arose  
it. There were big cracks in it. I jumped to the other side.  
[Eli: Okay, I'll admit that it's beginning to get exciting, but the misspelled words are throwing it off. And what's this bird?]  
[I don't know.]  
I look up. There was the mountain and the Triforce was at the top. (see how i wrote this quackery with short sentences my English teacher taught me that. IT makes  
the action better it's a good tip for u)  
[Ha! Like you have any advice to give that anyone who has been writing for more than a week knows.]  
[Cicero: Does this Rubyjanet displease you master? Cicero knows what would keep the little girl from speaking again. Ha, ha, ha. He, he, he. Break her back across  
my knee.]  
[Eli: Ohh, please shut him up.]  
[Cicero: And if that girl should choose to fight, why then I'll STAB her in the night. AH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!]  
[Thatcher:... That song is so disturbing.]  
[It's a bit catchy, but let's get back to the story. I'll get back to you on your offer, though.]  
I didn't know what do to do. Then I had a brainstone! I pull out a pokeball and threw it up. The red light pored out and a pokemon was made.  
[Thatcher: Does she mean to say that she had a brainstorm?]  
[Yeah.]  
[Eli: And that was her bright idea? To just create a Pokemon that- Hey! How did she even get one of those?]  
[One of what?]  
Chalizard breathed fire it was happy to see me.  
[Oh, that Pokemon. She just decided to get it, on the spot. I'd also like to point out that it's not called "Charlizard", it's "Charizard".]  
[Eli: That's just plain dumbass-ry.]  
I climbed onto its back wand we flew to where the Triforce was. Then Link was fighting Gannodorf with his blue sword.  
[Thatcher: Who are these people? Link and Gannondorf?]  
[First off, I'm actually beside myself. She actually spelled "Gannondorf" correctly. Okay, anyway, Link and Gannondorf are the hero and villain of The Legend of  
Zelda games.]  
[Thatcher: Oh, well it makes sense that they would be fighting here, then.]  
I told Charlizard to flame him (get it flamers) and Gannodorf died and fell into the Time thing.  
[Eli: What?! That's it? No details at all? And a stupid-ass joke?!]  
[Cicero: (claps) Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Someone burning up. Writhing, writhing. Limbs contorting, skin melting-]  
[Eli: SHUT the HELL UP!]  
[Cicero: Oh, you don't like death? Cicero would keep quiet, then, if he were you.]  
[Knock it off, you two.]  
[Cicero: Of course, master.]  
[Eli: (mimes kiss-ass)]  
LinK ran up to me soo happy. "Thank Ruby. You are truely a one with the force. You should be fit to be the Gradient of Time."  
[Eli: You don't really want to be one with the Force, girl. That means you're dead. Besides, it's "Guardian", not "Gradient".]  
I took the Trifoce and used it to break the storm and light rained down on everything. Then I played the flu the old woman give me.  
[Thatcher: So wait, the flute wasn't important to solving the problem?]  
[Eli: Where did that bird-thing that was trying to kill her go?]  
[Cicero: When will someone die again?]  
Link stated to sing with his heavenly elf voice and the sky opened up and light pored down. The flute lifted and fell and the open broke into a tycoon and Loogia  
appeared. (AN: I soo want one 4 ma game if ne1 has 1 I will trade a graydos for it)  
[Loogia is a Legendary Pokemon, meaning that there's only one of it, and it's supremely powerful. You don't just find Loogia. And if someone did, which is very  
unlikely, then they definitely wouldn't trade it for anything but a more powerful Legendary Pokemon.]  
"The song the song has restored my strength but it alone cannot change the angered ones." Said Lugia (c is dat spet rong?) in my mind.  
[Eli: No, it's not spelled wrong, but there are missing commas, and there needs to be two sentences, not just one. And I thought that it was "Loogia', not "Lugia".  
Which one is it?]  
[Besides, the author's note is spelled wrong, so that automatically kills the spelling streak.]  
I drop my knees. I was so tired i dint know how much longer I could fight. "But What I do?"  
[Cicero: But the girl hasn't been fighting for very long at all.]  
[Eli: Brother, why are you reading this aloud to him?]  
[Because he can't read English. He grew up with a much more cyrillic alphabet. His and mine look nothing alike. It would take him the rest of his life to learn this.]  
[Eli: Oh, okay.]  
Lungia said wisely. "You must get the three stones into the Trifoce behind you and the beast of the sea will be tame. I will hall you but only you Sarah can do it."  
[Eli: Now it's "Lungia"? What is this thing really called?]  
[You know, I'm not exactly sure how to spell it.]  
[Thatcher: I like this part about the Beast of the Sea. What is it, some Pokemon?]  
[You'd think so, but I don't remember anything ever actually coming up about it.]  
[Eli: And why is she calling herself Sarah now? The character's name isn't Sarah, her name is Ruby.]  
[Looks like Rubyjanet forgot about that.]  
Link said. "I owe you my life I will help you priceless."  
[Eli: "Priceless"? That's so random.]  
Ash Kellen inquired. "I will help a swell. I will get the yellow stone of ZApados of thunder."  
[Eli: Oh, and who's this joker? "Ash Kellen"?]  
[His name is Ash Ketchum. He's the main character of the Pokemon TV series.]  
[Eli: When did he show up?]  
[Just now.]  
[Thatcher: Also, Rubyjanet used the wrong word. Inquired is used when asking a question, not when he speaks up and volunteers to do something dangerous.]  
[Right.]  
I gasped.  
[Eli: Plus one.]  
Ash looked exactly like Edward cullen on twilight with blond hare and yellow eyes.  
[Oh no, not Twilight!]  
[Thatcher: What? What's the matter?]  
[Do you remember in your story the news about unrest in America among the vampire community?]  
[Thatcher: Yes.]  
[Well, let's just say that all of that chaos and wanton destruction was all caused by a girl, not Rubyjanet, but a different one. This girl almost immediately falls in love  
with a vampire named Edward, and he has to protect her from evil vampires after that.]  
[Thatcher: But Muggles aren't supposed to even know about vampires.]  
[And therein lies the international crisis. And all because of a girl, who, by the way, is perfectly cool with the chaos she's indirectly responsible for.]  
[Eli: What a bitch.]  
[Yes! Thank you. Anyway, that is Twilight, the most annoying, repulsive, drippy failure of a romance ever created, and yet, is somehow one of the most famous.  
Besides, Rubyjanet can't compare Ash Ketchum to Edward. They look nothing alike. Edward's a pale, pasty well-kept pretty boy. Ash is a dirty little tramp. No  
offense to all you Pokemon fans out there reading this commentary, by the way.]  
He was perfect. He had arrived when he heard the poken coming here and Gary had told him coz they were brothers.  
[Gary Oak and Ash Ketchum are not brothers, they are rivals.]  
[Eli: Besides, does Rubyjanet really think that this is a good explanation? NO!]  
Link cried. "I will go get the blue stun of Articoono."  
[It's not spelled "Articoono".]  
"And I will get the red stone of Enti." I said happily. We went to our places. The ice land was brutal with the three pokemon fighting hard-core.  
[Eli: What three Pokemon?]  
[This is one of those occasions when she assumes that people automatically know. Pokemon fans probably would, but I don't.]  
I was sacred that the guys wood get hut but I could let feelings get in the ways of saving the world.  
[Eli: Sacred, my ass.]  
I thought of Geary waiting for me at home an the thought gave me strainth.  
An: Will Ruby save the day? Will teamrocket spoil every thin.  
[Thatcher: What's Team Rocket?]  
[Team Rocket is a group of criminals in Pokemon canon. They are pretty much the bad guys.]  
[Eli: I didn't see Team Rocket anywhere. When did they come in?]  
[They didn't.]  
[Cicero: Cicero is confused.]  
Who is beast of sea? Finds out nex time. (thats called a cliffhanger and it builds excrement and makes people red if you want to use my idea thats k with me)  
[Eli: It builds WHAT?]  
[Cicero: Pfff-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!]  
[Thatcher: I'm not so sure I want to read anymore after this. Excrement? Really?]  
[Yes, well, moving on from excrement. I would like to point out that, once again, Rubyjanet gives advice that any seven year old with crayons would be able to  
know. The idea of a cliffhanger has been around for, maybe, hundreds of years, and it's definitely not Rubyjanet's idea.]  
[Cicero: Is master upset?]  
[Yes. The fact that she thinks that she even needs to point out what a cliffhanger is is insulting to me.]  
[Eli: Sorry, Cicero, but it doesn't look like there's anything you can do to make him feel better at the moment.]  
DONT FLAME I DINT FORCE U TO RED IT K!1  
[Eli: I'm pretty much the only one who was forced to read this crap.]  
[Cicero: Cicero isn't even reading it. Cicero is listening to master read it.]  
[Thatcher: Okay, so Brother, you know where The Beast is?]  
[Yes. It has gone to my Pokemon story, An Epic Pokemon Adventure.]  
[Eli: At least it's spelled better than Rubyjanet's story.]  
[Thanks... I think.]  
[Thatcher: Cronum Transcendus!]  
[(all appear in Kanto, near a random forest)]  
[Eli: Where are we?]  
[Somewhere in Kanto, I think. The story never leaves the region.]  
[Cicero: Oh, what fun! We will be walking very far. Cicero has just the song in mind.]  
[Eli: One note out of you, and I'll-]  
[Cicero: Ha, ha, ha. La, la, la. Ho, ho, hum, he-ha!]  
[Eli: You sound like a damn donkey, shut up.]  
[Cicero: Two travel-lers a-riding, and seven big rocks a-sli-ding.]  
[Eli: Dude, shut up.]  
[Cicero: The donkey heard the coming noise, and ignored the two small boys.]  
[Eli: I said shut up.]  
[Cicero: Oh, ho, ho, blood did flow-]  
[Eli: CICERO! FOR THE LAST TIME! SHUT THE HELL-]


	7. Chapter 7

[Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, fans and nerds! I am Dark Brother 16, and I am somewhere in Kanto with Eli Irad, Elizabeth Thatcher and Cicero. We are still looking for The Beast. This thing is proving to be very elusive, and it's frustrating. I hope we find it soon, otherwise I'm not sure how much longer Eli and Cicero can stand each other.]

[Eli: I'm warning you, freak! Don't touch me, or you're gonna be a dead clown.]

[Cicero: Cicero didn't touch you, you nasty, writhing worm. Cicero was just standing here.]  
[You two break it up! See, that's what I'm talking about. But we got a tip off a few days ago that someone out here may actually know something about The said to meet them around here, so now we're just waiting for-]

[Thatcher: LOOK OUT!]  
[(_log flies through the air_)]  
[Eli: (_pushes Thatcher out of the way, because she isn't moving fast enough_)]  
[(_log vanishes into the thicket, plowing things down in its path_)]  
[Cicero: gasp! A ghost. A malevolent spirit! You won't scare Cicero! Oh no! (draws weapons) You won't scare away Cicero that easily, demon! Show yourself and fight-]

[Eli: Shut up, you idiot.]  
[Thatcher: That's the second time you've saved me, Eli. Thanks.]  
[Eli: Don't mention it.]  
[Come on! We have to find out where that log was headed.]  
[Eli: Yeah, because that's the most natural thing to do in this situation.]  
[(_everyone pushes through the brush and finds a Pokemon battle_)]  
[Weavile: Weavile! (_dashes toward Espeon, claws raised_)]  
[Espeon: (_casts Magic Coat_)]  
[Weavile: (_slashes the aura, gets thrown back and lands on its face_) Weavile!]  
[Neil: Come on, Weavile! You can take him. Use Fury Swipes, Slash, Bite, Cut, Shadow Claw and Counter!]  
[Weavile: Weavile! (_hops up, dashes over and deals seven massive strikes with combinations of said attacks_)]  
[Grey: Oh, come on! Hagai, use Psychic again!]  
[Espeon: (_uses Psychic to pick up the log again, ramming it into Weavile_)]  
[Neil: Hey! Weavile, get up!]  
[Grey: Espeon, Rest until he gets out from under the log!]  
[Weavile: (_struggles to get out from under the log_)]  
[Eli: What the hell is going on?]  
[(_battle stops and the combatants turn to face the newcomers_)]  
[Cicero: Oh, don't stop on our account. It's not his fault he is so slow to understand things. No, no, continue with your entertaining display of violence. Please?]  
[Eli: If I find you in a dark room alone, Cicero-]  
[Neil! How's it going?]  
[Neil: Well, we were waiting for you guys, actually. Grey and I were having a friendly Pokemon Battle to keep busy.]  
[Thatcher: "Friendly"? It seemed almost like you were trying to kill each other.]  
[It's okay, Thatcher. The Pokemon won't die unless injected with the Valida Serum.]  
[DespicableFool: Yeah, by the way, I've been experimenting with that stuff, and you couldn't have written up a more hopeless mess of a serum than that gunk.]  
[Hey, what's up, bro?]  
[DespicableFool: I said we'd meet you here with information.]  
[So it was you who contacted us.]  
[DespicableFool: Yep. Still trying to find the Beast. Mm, mm, mm. That's why I'm here, by the way. It's been running loose in my story notes.]  
[And you tracked it here?]  
[Eli: Um, who are these guys?]  
[Oh, yeah, I should explain. This guy is Neil Boyles. He's my Pokemon character.]  
[Neil: How's it going?]  
[Eli: Hmph.]  
[Weavile: (_gets out from under the log_)]  
[This guy's name is Grey. He's DespicableFool's creation, also for Pokemon. He's been in several Battles in his career.]  
[DespicableFool: Yeah, and he's finally met his match. Did you know what you were doing when you gave Neil a Weavile?]  
[No, not really. At the time, I was still illiterate in Pokemon. All I knew was that Weavile was a decent starting Pokemon.]  
[DespicableFool: Well, even with the Type Effectiveness in his favor, he may still lose, because Grey and I have studied Sun Tsu's tactics. All we have to do is keep using Magic Cloak, and we could possibly beat him.]

[I thought you could only use those kinds of moves once, and then they need to recharge or something.]  
[DespicableFool: Well yeah, but it knocks Weavile back, giving Hagai enough time to use Psychic and smash him with something.]  
[Well, Weavile is fast enough to dodge that, though.]  
[Neil: Yeah, plus, I will just have him get up and keep hammering away at you until you're down.]  
[DespicableFool: Well, I'd argue that when an unstoppable force meets and immovable object, the immovable object would win, because Defense will eventually win out.]

[But if you can't use your Special Moves that allow you to do that, and Weavile is able to just keep attacking, won't he eventually win?]  
[DespicableFool: Not necessarily. Because even if he could inflict maximum damage on a certain attack, he'll have to hammer for a while to get through all of Hagai's health, and by then, chances are that Weavile will be knocked back again by Psychic.]

[Eli: Nerds, nerds, please! Geek out later. What do you have to tell us?]  
[DespicableFool: Right. The Beast-]  
[(_Team Rocket shows up, complete with an army of grunts_)]  
[Jessie: Nobody move! Your Pokemon are ours now.]  
[Eli: Agh! What is that?]  
[Jessie: Excuse me?]  
[Eli: It talks! It's a person.]  
[James: You should be more polite.]  
[Eli: Is that supposed to be a comeback?]  
[Cicero: Oh, Cicero likes them even less than he likes you, Eli. Let's kill them.]  
[DespicableFool: Grey, help them take down Rocket while I talk to Dark Brother 16.]  
[Grey: My pleasure.]  
[(_Rocket grunts take out many different Pokemon_)]  
[Cicero: (_fights a Heracross_)]  
[Eli: (_fights a Spiritomb_)]  
[Thatcher: (_fights an Unknown_)]  
[Weavile: (_fights Jessie's Serperior_)  
[Hagai: (_fights Meowth_)]  
[Sooo... You think Rocket will win?]  
[DespicableFool: Not a chance. They've only ever fought Pokemon Trainers, not a Jedi, a witch and a lunatic.]  
[Okay. But this is probably gonna take a while. Hey, I just had a thought. Wanna help me out with the next chapter of my commentary?]  
[DespicableFool: Sure, why not?]  
[Alright. So, let's start out with the grading of the previous chapter. Word count is seven hundred and seventy. Out of that, one hundred and ninety-one words, or nineteen point six one percent of all the words in this chapter, are misspelled.]

[DespicableFool: I remember first looking at this chapter. It was a very difficult task trying to read it.]  
[Yeah, and here's one of the reasons why. Grammatical errors total one hundred and eighty-six. Number of FanFiction Guidelines violated: five. A positive count on failed character development.]

[DespicableFool: Yeah, in terms of possibilities for this to have been a negative, this chapter was a goldmine.]  
[I know, right? Rubyjanet could very easily have put down a flashback, or a subtle hint at some back story, or even an attitude under pressure. She could have said something like-]

[Eli: EAT HEAT AND DIE, MOTHE-(a nearby Blastoid goes off)]  
[Something like that.]  
[DespicableFool: When has Eli Irad ever gotten so close to using that word?]  
[Since the beginning of this commentary. He's been in a very bad mood for seven weeks.]  
[DespicableFool: That's a long time.]  
[Oh, don't worry about him. I'll get him back on his usual path. Anyway, there are twelve factual missteps.]  
[DespicableFool: Oh yeah. I could barely stand this chapter, it had so many.]  
[Says the one who delves as deeply into the Pokemon universe as possible. But I get the point. The overall chapter grade this time around was an abysmal twenty- two point seven seven eight percent. I expected better, even from this illiterate slob of an author.]

[DespicableFool: You and I both knew what to expect when we decided to apply a grade to this thing.]  
[By the way, I noticed some differences between our grading styles. At some points, you're more lenient than I am, and at other points, you are more than me.]  
[DespicableFool: That's because you added more criteria and decided to work with helpers. I was working on it alone.]  
[Speaking of more criteria, let's compare this to My Immortal.]  
[DespicableFool: Alright! On to the good stuff.]  
[Oh, no, wait. Sorry. We have to give an overall story grade so far.]  
[DespicableFool: Oh.]  
[Munchlax: Munchlax!]  
[Hey! Get down from there- No, don't touch my computer, you little-]  
[Espeon: (picks Munchlax up with Psychic and throws him into a Scissor, which is fighting Cicero)]  
[Munchlax: Munchlax!]  
[Cicero: Hey, get your own kill!]  
[Anyway, overall story grade has fallen to a forty-nine point four six seven percent. Now let's move on to the My Immortal criteria.]  
[DespicableFool: Yeeees.]  
[Oddly enough, there was exactly zero percent description of clothing in Chapter six. But Rubyjanet made up for it with a total of twelve sentences with terrible adverbs.]

[DespicableFool: whistle]  
[Zero rock concerts or necessary planning, one comparison with a rockstar, though.]  
[DespicableFool: Wait. Really? Where?]  
[Uh, where?]  
[DespicableFool: Yeah, I don't remember anything from this chapter. There was a comparison with Edward, though-]  
[Oh, alright, alright. Zero, then. And negatives on sex or rape and Incredibly long ellipses points. But the times a character gasps has been raised by one to a total of seven times in the whole story. And positives in both textspeak and demands that reviewers stop flaming.]

[DespicableFool: Okay. So, let's not waste any time and get right into Chapter seven.]  
[Thatcher: (_fights an Alakazam, but gets tossed aside by Psychic_)]  
[Alakazam: Ala-KAZAM! (_casts Lightning Bolt_)]  
[Eli: (_jumps in the way and deflects the Lightning Bolt back toward Alakazam_)]  
[Alakazam: A-LA! (_gets tossed back_)]  
[Eli: You need to stop needing my help!]  
[Thatcher: It's nice of you to keep coming back, though.]  
[Yeah, getting started now.]  
**This chapa is dedicating to my bf MARK I love you so much u r so hot an sexy.**  
[Ahhh. Bored.]  
**C ZAK I TOLD I HAD A BF so FUK U PERVET!**  
[DespicableFool: Just because you SAY that you have a boyfriend doesn't mean that you actually have one.]  
[She did give us his name, though. And do you know why she's so obssessed with calling people perverts?]  
[DespicableFool: Nope.]  
[Oh well, I'll just count it against her in the next Chapter review.]  
**U R SO UGLY THAT IF A GURL LOKED AT U SHE WOOD SCREAM AND DIE!**  
[Whoa.]  
[DespicableFool: Sooo, how does she know how that works?]  
[Hmmm. Hmmmmmm.]  
**MA STORY IS BVETA I DONT NED UR HELP K**  
[DespicableFool: Your story wouldn't be better if you had your name even associated with it.]  
[I don't know. My Pokemon story has a special shout out to her, crediting her with the idea.]  
**tHAT FUKKING SPELL CHECK U GAV ME BROKE MY COMPUTER AND NOW I HAVE TO WRITE THIS AGIN RELLY FAST COZ IT WONT OPEN! **

[DespicableFool: It probably wasn't spellcheck, then.]  
[Besides, if you had been using spellcheck this whole time, you'd have been making fewer and fewer mistakes. You say you used it in the last chapter, and it's by far your absolute worst so far. You didn't use spellcheck, so stop insulting us by saying that you did.]

[DespicableFool: Yeah, what do you think we are, stupid?]  
**NE WAY WE ARE GONG TO SOCIAL TOGETER SO FUK U.**  
[DespicableFool: That doesn't sound very social.]  
**tHANKS TO MY BF KATIE FOR HELP WITH SPELLING AND IDEAS**  
[DespicableFool: I thought your boyfriend's name was Mark.]  
[I think she means "best friend". That, or she's gay and lied about Mark.]  
**IF NE OF MA FANS WANT HELP WIT ENGLIGH WRITING THEN MS ME IM HAPPY TO GIVE ADVICE MY ENGLISH TEACHER SAS IM THE BEST IN HIS CLASS. **

[First off, you have no fans. Secondly, I don't need help with English. I'm going to Major in English, for crying out loud! Thirdly, you can't help anyone with anything even remotely related to the English language! I wouldn't accept your help even if you promised to take this story down and never write again. You repulsive swine! You festering, pungent hog, you! Lastly, you dumb prostitute, any teacher who said that you were any good at English deserves to be fired and given a restraining order from the field of teaching. I gave you my grading, which is all-American, and therefore not the best, and you get an easy "F"! huff. puff.]

[DespicableFool: Are you done?]  
[Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I couldn't hold it back.]  
**(C ZAKAR FUK U MY WRING IS GUD)**  
[DespicableFool: No, your "WRING" is not "GUD", it's terrible.]  
**I ran all the way up to where the red stone was. It was big and round and it was red.**  
[DespicableFool: I already knew that. My first clue was when you said that it was a red stone.]  
**Link ran up to. He looked shocked. It was bigger than a horse.**  
[How did Link get there? Isn't he supposed to be taking care of his own stone?]  
**I grapped it and i was pulled through time and woke up in Hyrule.**  
[DespicableFool: Oh, we're at this part. No regard for the previous dire situation whatsoever, but instead, simply introduce another plot line.]  
[To be fair, some of the more complicated story lines do that. I do it sometimes, but I explain it.]  
**"OMFG I"M HOME AGAIN?" Link said loudly quietly.**  
["Loudly quietly"? Which one is it?]  
**"Let me show you my home Sara."**  
[DespicableFool: Her name is Ruby, not Sarah. Stay in character.]  
[MARY SUUE!]  
**We wnet to the castle and the gardens and inside was the priceess Zelda."Beloved Zelda went missing 17 yrs ago today." Link sad sadly with tears in his green eyes.**  
[But if she's missing, then how is she right there?]  
**I went up to Zelda but no i thought it was Zelda and it was a stachew.**  
[A what?]  
[DespicableFool: A "stachew". It means "statue" in Ruby logic.]  
[Hey, that's a good term. Mind if I use it?]  
**I gasped. Zelad was relly pretty in a emerald grreen dress with red lace on the front and back. She had lung copper hare like fire in the wind and a relly nice body. She was thin enough to be anorexix AND SHE could be be a model.**

[She gasped. Plus one.]  
[DespicableFool: I love how she says that there are colors to it, even though it's clearly just a statue.]  
[And "lung" copper hair. She's made this mistake before. It's gross. Also, I'm putting one up in the reference to a rockstar, because she said that Zelda could be a model.]

[DespicableFool: Why? That doesn't count.]  
[... Aw, alright, alright, I won't.]  
**"U know she looks a lot like you Ruby." Sad Link looking at me with sadness and passion in his blue eyes.**  
[DespicableFool: Mary Sue to the maximum, man.]  
["With sadness and passion"?! "Sadly and passionately". Come on, Rubyjanet. Can't you get a clue and figure out that you're not doing it correctly?]  
**There was so mush I blushed.**  
[Moving on.]  
**"No shes no pretty to be me." I flustered.**  
[DespicableFool: I've never seen such modesty. "No, she's not pretty enough to be me". I can't bear it, she deserves more credit.]  
[Okay, that sarcasm has been stretched.]  
[DespicableFool: Sure has.]  
[But I'd like to point something out, here. This is actually a good direction to go with Ruby. It gives her personality. It makes me like her even less, but she's not a flat Mary Sue. She's got three dimensions.]

**When a looked up Link was standing realyl close to me. I could feel his chest on my arm. His eyes were so intense in mine and I knew he loved me.**  
[DespicableFool: Please. This is so defining of a Mary Sue it's not even funny anymore.]  
[Besides, Gary will not allow this, man. He'll be mad when he learns that you've been cheating on him.]  
[Thatcher: Stupify! (_fires stun spell at James_)]  
[James: (_gets shot into a nearby tree and gets knocked unconscious_)]  
[Jessie: James! You'll pay for that, you hag!]  
[Meowth: No, go away! Leave me alone! (_ducks as Cicero swipes at his head with his axe_)]  
[Cicero: Will you just die, you annoying feline?!]  
[They should be able to defeat them in a few more minutes, right?]  
[DespicableFool: Mm-hm.]  
_(An yestereday we were writing romance in class so this is how u do it. Twilight gets it perfect and talks about how they feel and lok at each other. Free tip for u)_  
[Wedon'tneedanytips!]  
[DespicableFool: Besides, Twilight is a pathetic excuse for any literature in any way, shape or form.]  
[The characters have no depth. I had to combine aspects of each character from the books and movies just to make any of them have any three-dimensional aspects. Bella has been turned into a self-absorbed, man-dependant, selfish, snobbish brat, like she was in the movie. Edward... I couldn't really do anything to Edward, because he's so soulless.]

**Suddenly just AS LINGK stated to kiss me a man blak cloud appeared and enveloped me. It was dark and i couldn't see but I couild here him calling my nam.**  
[Hear who calling your name?]  
**Then It went away and I was tied with rops.**  
[DespicableFool: What?]  
**I gasped and tried to get away but they were too tight and I stopped.**  
[Another gasp. Plus one more. Rollin' it!]  
**"WAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!" Said Gannowdorf.**  
[I thought Gannondorf was dead!]  
[DespicableFool: Well, they did go back into the past, allegedly.]  
[Oh, I get it. It's the Gannondorf of the past. Let's see how he plays into this.]  
**"I have you know Ruby Janet Sara Zelda!"**  
[What? What did he call her?]  
**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOO!" I creamed so loud.**  
[DespicableFool: Do you have anything for that?]  
[I'll find something. She killed the emphasis by making it so long. I'll find a way to make it happen.]  
[DespicableFool: Make what happen?]  
["It".]  
**I closed my eyes an hoped sum1 wood come soooon/.**  
[That's it? That's all that the all-powerful Ruby can do? Just sit there and wait to be saved? I forgot how dumb this story is.]  
[DespicableFool: It's Ruby logic.]  
_(An this is another exampul of a cliffhanger which is god writng)_  
[I know what makes good writing, Rubyjanet. Don't talk down to me when I'm clearly way higher up than you are.]  
[Eli: Hyagh! (_defeats a Dragonite by slashing its chest with his lightsaber)(Force Pushes the Rocket Grunts_)]  
[Thatcher: Expelliarmus! (_shoots a Pokeball out of a Rocket Grunt's hand to create a Wobbaffit_)]  
[Wobbaffit: Wobbaffit! (_begins accidentally throwing Grunts around_)]  
[Meowth: Yaaaargh!]  
[Cicero: (_grabs Meowth's tail_) Ah-hahahaha! Gotcha!]  
[(_Neil and Grey use Weavile and Hagai to defeat Jessie's Serperior_)]  
[Jessie: No! You won't defeat-]  
[Eli: (_hurls a log with the Force at Jessie_) Lights out, BITCH!]  
[(_the log hits Jessie in the head, knocking her out_)]  
[Nice work, guys. (_stares at the remaining Rocket Grunts_) What are you still doing here? Get going, now.]  
[Rocket Grunts: (_drag away their fallen and leave_)]  
[Cicero, put Meowth down.]  
[Cicero: Of course, Master.]  
[Meowth: Yeow! You're crazy! (_runs away with the other_s)]  
[Pathetic misfits. I feel like I've forgotten something.]  
[Thatcher: Well, what did he tell you so far?]  
[What did he- Oh, right! You didn't tell me what the Beast has been doing.]  
[DespicableFool: Right. Well, it has tracked down Sarah Coal and Scarlett from my story, but it didn't kill them. Now, what do those two have in common?]  
[They were both based off of Ruby. Oh no. The Beast is trying to get into The Gratest Pokemon Master.]  
[Eli: What happens when it gets there?]  
[I don't know, and I'd rather not find out. Maybe it'll get super powerful or something. We need to track it down and stop it before it gets there.]  
[DespicableFool: Glad I could help. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with Rubyjanet. I'm going to totally lay waste to her Pokemon Team.]  
[Oh, well, have fun.]  
[Eli: Yeah, kick her ass real good and tell her she sucks.]  
[Take us back, Thatcher.]  
[Thatcher: Cronum Transcendus!]  
[(_Dark Brother 16, Eli, Thatcher and Cicero return to the studio_)]  
[We need to track The Beast down now before it gets into Rubyjanet's story.]  
[Eli: We should try it first, see if it already made it.]  
[(_pulls up The Gratest Pokemon Master_) Good, it's not here. (_pulls up other stories_) It's in A Dark Nightmare.]  
[Cicero: Oooo, Cicero likes the sound of that. Is it horrifying? Hmmm?]  
[Eli: Shut up, Cicero. What's this Nightmare?]  
[It's a story I literally dreamed up. I fell asleep one night after watching Predators and researching many of the most famous slasher films.]  
[Thatcher: Like?]  
[A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13'th, Halloween, Hellraiser, Psycho, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Saw, It, Child's Play, and Scream. I also dreamt about a relatively new monster, one that originated on the Internet. It's called simply The Slender Man. I dreamt that I was sucked into a battle with Freddy Krueger, from Nightmare on Elm Street. He has the power to totally control someone's dreams and kill them in their sleep. Freddy abducted me and accidentally revealed to me that I was asleep.]

[Eli: What good did that do?]  
[It allowed me to take control of my own Dreamworld. I gained every power he had and more. That's when I sucked in all of those other monsters as well. I forced them to fight each other. Freddy's spirit lives on in A Dark Nightmare, but he can't leave, or he'll die. He hates me, and understandably so. But I think that we may need his help to catch this thing.]

[Eli: Let's do it, then.]  
[Cicero: Yes, yes, let's do this, and show these creatures of the supernatural that noone can defeat us. Death to all who oppose us!]  
[I think I can come up with something worse than death, if Freddy doesn't cooperate.]  
[(_Thatcher, Eli and Cicero stare at each other uncomfortably_)]


	8. Chapter 8

[(_In a stuffy boiler room, several sounds overlap each other. Pipes creak, knobs hiss and the harsh voice of a tortured soul ring out._ )]

[Freddy: Aaaaaagh! Aaoough! )]

[(_The halls are filled with the corpses of famous slashers. Michael Myers lays slumped against a railing, his body severely burnt and still smoking. )]_

[Freddy: Agh! AAAGH! ]

[(_Walks past a dead end corridor. Pinhead dangles from the pipes, his dismembered limbs tied in his own chains. Dark Brother 16 grins_.)]

[Freddy: Ow, ow, ow, ow, AAOW! ]

[(_Further down the hall, a broken pipeline sprays boiling water onto a Good Guy Doll, who is still clutching his knife. The pipe has faint traces of lightsaber marks on it_. )]

[Freddy: Aaaaaagh! Okay, that hurt. Now try-]

[Eli: Shut up!]

[(_Air wooshes at the end of the hall, followed by Freddy's screams. Dark Brother 16 continues down the hall to the interrogation. Steps over Ghostface, who lays in a pool of his own blood with an Ebony Dagger protruding from his chest. Looks over the edge to see Norman Bates's body, sprawled and broken at the bottom. Stumbles over a bloody left arm_.) Oh, bleck! (_Turns to place the arm closer to the body of Leatherface, to whom the arm belongs. Leatherface is pinned to a large pipe by his own chainsaw_.)]

[Cicero: Where is the Beast?!Speak, vermin! ]

[Freddy: Up yours, asshole! (_Metal clattering_) Aagh! ]

[(_Passes Jigsaw, who stares lifelessly into oblivion. There are no marks on him. Passes the remains of the gigantic spider-like Pennywise, who had had his legs burnt off and jabbed into his head. Passes Jason, who has several burns on his chest and has had his head cut off by a burning object. Finally, Dark Brother 16 finds his friends, who are torturing Freddy_.)]

[Eli: (_stabs Freddy with his lightsaber_)]

[Freddy: Aagh-hagh! ]

[Sorry I took so long. I couldn't find my way through very well. ]

[Eli: Where the hell have you been? ]

[I had to get a haircut. My Mom insisted. ]

[Eli: A haircut? !]

[Cicero: And a very fine haircut it is, master, yes. It really shows off your head. ]

[Well, thanks Cicero- (_notices that Freddy is trying to crawl away_) Where do you think you're going? You are supposed to be getting ready to tell us where the Beast is. ]

[Freddy: (_extends the middle finger on his gloved hand_)]

[Cicero: How dare you, slime?! (_Swings an enormous kitchen knife at Freddy, catching him on the shoulder and cutting off the arm with the glove_)]

[Freddy:Aaaaaagh! (_Regrows his arm_)]

[Ready to talk now? ]

[Freddy: Why? You getting tired? ]

[Thatcher: (_emerges from a corner, pale and shaken_) Please, no more. I can't bear it. ]

[Eli: I agree with her. This is a waist of time. ]

[No, we can still-]

[Eli: It's probably long gone by now! ]

[But he knows where it is. I know he does. ]

[Freddy: Yeah? Well, you'll have to play your cards differently, kid, because you won't be able to beat my hand! (_Tries to attack Dark Brother 16, but his hand is caught midair)]_

[See, the thing about my hand is that I still have one last card to play. ]

[Freddy: (_suddenly catches fire_) AAAAAGGH! NOOO! (_Tries to attack his tormentors, but Dark Brother 16 creates an invisible wall to stop him. Flails around, wailing in agony, and tries to open one of the pipes)]_

[(_Causes the pipe to burst, dousing Freddy in boiling water_)]

[Freddy: (_wails even more, then drops to his knees_)]

[(Causes the water to stop flowing with Dreammagic)How about it, Freddy? ]

[Freddy: I-I've had enough. I'll tell you. ..where the Beast is. ]

[Eli: Really? It's that simple? Maybe you should have led with that, set the whole damn place on fire and killed everyone that way. ]

[Yeah, didn't think about that. So Freddy, the Beast. ]

[Freddy: (_stands up gingerly_) It has built a nest down by the main boiler, where it's nice and warm. ]

[ A nest? Are there eggs? ]

[Freddy: Possibly. ]

[It's a Queen. ]

[Cicero: Eh? ]

[Eli gave birth to a Queen Alien. It's laying eggs! ]

[Eli:Good. I get to kill more of those sons of bitches. ]

[You'll have to. Freddy, take us there. ]

[Freddy: Fine. ]

[Thatcher, are you okay? You don't look well. ]

[Thatcher: I'm not. I can't believe the things you made us do to him. ]

[We've been over this. He deserves a thousand times worse. ]

[Thatcher: But the Cruciatus Curse? Decapitating him? ]

[He'd have gladly done worse to you, Thatcher. You know-just, look at these other guys. Norman Bates is a basket case who kills women he's attracted to. Did he deserve what you gave him? ]

[Thatcher: Well. ..]

[Yes, he did. And Myers. He's literally as bad as anything else Hell spits out. For him, manslaughter is stimulating. Should you have hesitated when he attacked you? ]

[Thatcher: No. ]

[Right, of course not. None of these other guys are any better. ]

[Cicero: (_walks up to Leatherface's body and turns on the chainsaw while it's still inside Leatherface's gut_) WA-HAHAHAHAHA! Bleed for Cicero again! BLEEEED! ]

[Thatcher: Yes, but look at what you're doing to them in return. ]

[It's necessary evil. ]

[Thatcher: Is it? I'm not so sure. ]

[Eli: (_mulls this over while walking behind the others_)]

[Freddy: (_pops up beside Thatcher_) Thanks for the concern, beautiful. I appreciate it. (_Licks lips, then suddenly coughs up blood_)]

[If you do that again, I'll set you on fire again, and this time, I won't put you out. ]

[Freddy: (_spits out a small amount of blood_) Fine. By the way, word around the Network is that you're doing some kind of, what? Commentary. ]

[Network? You mean the Internet? ]

[Freddy: I guess. Some sort of piece of shit story written by an insane girl, right? ]

[What I'm commentarying? Yeah.]

[Freddy: Mind if I take a look? ]

[Uh. ..Hold that thought. (_Moves closer to the others_) What do you guys think? ]

[Cicero: No, no, no. Don't let him, master. He's planning something. ]

[Eli: I hate to agree with Cicero, but he's right. He holes himself in this boiler room, gets all these freaks to fight for him, survives what we did to him, and now he's suddenly our buddy? I still haven't bought that Cicero did that. ]

[Cicero: Oh, you have forgotten. Cicero has a new weapon. (_Draws Michael Myers kitchen knife_) Cicero wants it bloodied, and he doesn't care whose blood it is. ]

[It'll be your blood if you don't put that away, Cicero. I don't want you killing each other. ]

[Cicero: Oh. Yes, of course, master. (_Sheathes his knife_) Cicero doesn't see how, but the mean spirited one probably serves some purpose, so of course, Cicero won't kill him. Yet. ]

[Eli: Freak. ]

[Thatcher, what do you think? ]

[Thatcher: Well, I agree with them that he's probably planning something, but I can't see what that would be. ]

[Okay, that settles it, then. Freddy. ]

[Freddy: Yes dear? ]

[Y-uh, okay. We've decided to let you help with the Commentary, but there are rules. If you do or say anything suspicious, even as a joke, I will set you on fire again. ]

[Freddy: You're so generous, thank you. ]

[Eli: Brother...]

[I'll handle him. You three keep an eye out for anything that looks like an egg. (_They go a short distance away_) Freddy, I assume you know how this works? ]

[Freddy: Yep. On to the grade for the last chapter. ]

[Out of four hundred ninety-four words, eighty were misspelled, or a total of sixteen point one nine four percent. ]

[Freddy: Wait, really?]

[Yeah, it's that bad. There were eighty-one grammar mistakes and four violations of the FanFiction Code of Conduct. ]

[Freddy: Such as? ]

[Have you ever seen this before?]

[Freddy: No.]

[You'll get a chance to. You'll understand. Surprisingly, chapter seven scored negative in Failed Character Development. I always liked that. It had so much unfulfilled promise. However, there are a total of five factual missteps, bringing the overall chapter grade to exactly twenty-five and the overall story grade to fourty-nine point five one two percent.]

[Freddy: You know, when I set my expectations so low for this, I thought that maybe I was under thinking it a little. Bu now... This chapter's a bitch!]

[Yes, just like the author. Now, are you aware of My Immortal?]

[Freddy: Yeah, this is when the grading gets interesting, right?]

[Eli: Egh! What's that smell?]

[Freddy: It's nearby. Nearly three hundred meters.]

[Thatcher: Three hundred meters?]

[Freddy: Need me to carry you? Ha, ha, ha.]

[Shut up. Everyone keep an eye out.]

[Freddy: Keep an eye out? Okay. (_plucks out his left eye_)]

[Thatcher: Yargh!]

[Okay, very funny. Now put it back.]

[Freddy: (_shoves eye back in place_)]

[Anyway, Description of clothes in this chapter total eight point five percent. There were eight sentences with terrible adverbs, possibly nine. I wasn't sure on one of them, and Thatcher convinced me not to.]

[Thatcher: You have to give it a fair chance.]

[I have. So far, I've been generous. See, I'll prove it. There were negative counts across the board for Rock concerts and necessary shopping and planning, Comparisons with rockstars, sex or rape and incredibly long ellipses. I'm being objective, here.]

[Cicero: You dare to assume otherwise?]

[Let it go, Cicero. There were two gasps in the last chapter, bringing the total up to nine. Freddy, do you know what Textspeak is?]

[Freddy: Textspeak? You mean, like, OMG, GTFO and BFF?]

[Yes.]

[Freddy: I hate kids like that. Lazy ass bastards, all of them.]

[Well, this chapter ran positive with it. However, and this came as a complete shock, this chapter actually ran _negative _on Demands that the Reviewers "stop flaming".]

[Eli: Well, let's break out the firecrackers and alcohol.]

[Freddy: You have some?]

[Eli: Of course not.]

[We can celebrate after the Beast and its Spawn are dead. For now, let's proceed with the next- Egg!]

[Eli: What?]

[Egg! Right there. That leathery green thing.]

[Thatcher: It looks like it's hatched.]

[Everyone stay sharp. Not literally, Freddy.]

[Freddy: Oh.]

[We should slow down and take this carefully. Freddy, let's keep doing the commentary. Our voices will draw them out of hiding.]

[Freddy: Sure, sounds great.]

**CHAPA ***

**AN; FUCK OFF FLA MERS UR JUS JEALOUS IM GETTING ALL THESE REWIEWS BECUASE MY STORY IS EPICLY BETTER THAN URS K!11**

[You have a lot of reviews telling you to fix the story, you dolt.]

[Freddy: Such negativity. What's her problem?]

[She's delusional and spoiled. Besides, her story is being compared to My Immortal by people other than myself. That means her story is historically not awesome.]

** RUNY IS NOT A MARY SUE SHE IS A GRATE PERSON K! **

[A "grate" person.]

[Freddy: Is that anything like a sewer grate?]

[Well, that would make sense. Because, to describe Ruby's personality, she is comparable to anything that you may expect to find in a sewer. If that's what Rubyjanet meant, then I'm inclined to agree with her there.]

**HO R U TO SAY ODDERWISE3!11111 **

[I am Dark Brother 16, nice to meet you.]

**I H8 u all! FUK U FUK FUCK FUK U!**

[Freddy: Oooo, a fighter, huh? Come and try to kill me, then. Noone can do it, not even these assholes. They've burnt me, they've buried me, they even tried Holy water.]

[Right.]

**ZAKAR U ARE A FUKKING PERV AND U TRIED TO RAPE ME I H8 U U SUK FUK U!**

[It's very hard to take her seriously when she spells "hate" like "h" "8"]

[Freddy: I used to molest children smarter than her.]

[Thatcher: Don't talk about that.]

[Freddy: I'm sorry, honey.]

**KATIE UR STORAY IS ORSUM! THIS IS A TRUBUTE!**

[Freddy: "Orsum"? Is that like an orgie? I'd like to get in on that action.]

[Eli: Shut your dirty ass up!]

[Eyes on the pipes, Eli.]

**I stated to cry all sad n stuff. I dint know what to do. i ran away crying and everyfing.**

[How did she do that? She 's tied to a chair, remember?]

** GAnNONDORF stated to laff. "HAHAHAHAHAHA" he laughed. **

[So redundant.]

**Then he went away.**

[Freddy: Wait, did I just read that correctly?]

**"Then he went away."**

[Freddy: Gannon-midget, get the fuck outta here, you fucking pussy! What the hell did you just do?! You had her! Where do you think you have to be that's so important that you can't finish the fucking job?!You are a disgrace to villainy, you fucking pussy-ass motherfucker!]

[Keep it going. We have Alien Spawn to find.]

[Freddy: Actually, I'm done.]

**I was crying and cring so sod. I missed Link an ds Gary and hoped they were k. **

[I don't know if you've noticed, Rubyjanet, but you are the one who is, supposedly, in trouble right now.]

**Then I reached into ma. **

[... You reached into your, what?]

**I cut my ropes wit a nife in my legs boot. I got off da chair and cut away all the ropes. **

[Once again, this is redundant... No, actually, this is contradictory. It happened, and then it happened again? I don't think so. Plus, if you have a knife in your shoe, then why were you worried in the first place?]

**Then I looked at ma surrongings. I was in a cave that was big and dark and it had teethp-like rocks danging down the roof. **

[Why do you keep saying "ma"? Are you going for a Jersey accent? Because that isn't a Jersey accent. 'Dis is a Joisey accent, ya bozo!]

[Cicero: Cicero found one! He did! It's over here! (_hurls Michael Myers' knife at a blood red Alien Spawn, knocking it to the ground_)]

[Thatcher: Avada Kedavra! (_kills the Alien Spawn_)]

[There's probably more of them around. We're getting their attention.]

[Freddy: I'd like to point something out before we move on. She describes the cave, even though she doesn't have to.]

[Yeah, but there might have been some sort of unusual quality about it. You never know until the descriptions are over.]

**I followed it into the dungeons. T**

**Then I was outside! I coud believe I was sure i had been abot to die.**

[Freddy: How dull.]

[Yeah, no descriptions at all. Why are you looking at it like that?]

[Freddy: What? Oh, because I can see why you do this. It's so terrible, it's fun!]

[Yeeah.]

**Suddenly Saffie and Nate runned up 2 me. (An Katie dis is u) "Katie Wtf are u?" I askeded.**

[Freddy: Yeah, what are you? Are you Caucasian, Asian, Brown, Black? What?]

[Somehow, I doubt that this Katie would say yes if you asked her out, Freddy.]

[Freddy: What? Come on. Wait a minute, I'm evil. I wouldn't ask.]

**"Hi RuBby." Saffie sad happy.**

[So, is she sad or is she happy? Which one is it? She can't be both.]

**"OMG ho is dis?" I say loking at the guy.**

[Freddy: You said his name was Nate, right?]

[Yeah, that's a burning inconsistency.]

** He was tall and had sexah eyes and long black hair and straight white teeth and gery eyes. He was lik 6 metres tall and relly god loking.**

[Freddy: Six meters? What the hell?]

[And don't forget the number of "ands" she has in one sentence.]

**"Did is Nate he is my husband." Saffire sad.**

**"OMFG why dint u tell me?" I sad angry coz I was sad she had got married b4 me.**

[What a whiney little brat. Let me clue you in on a little secret, kid. Life doesn't wait for you.]

[Eli: (_dices an Alien Spawn as it crawls past unsuspecting_) AAAH, BITCH!]

[Something isn't right. We've made plenty of noise. Where are they? There should be way more than this.]

[Thatcher: Could this be a trap?]

[Eli: A trap? They're animals. How could they be that smart?]

[We all need to be on our guard. Everyone hold here. We need to finish this chapter before we go in there.]

**"LOL!" Katie sad. "Coz we arnt marred yet!" "It will be 2moro."**

[Eli: Oh, of course. How stupid we were. You did only just say that he was your husband. We should have known that he actually wasn't.]

[Cicero: Cicero is sickened by this romantic slobber. When will she kill someone?]

**"OMFG We must go yet you dresses!" I sad. "Ya" Saffir sad.**

[Eli: (_mimics a heavy English accent_) Oh, yes. We simply _must _go and find you the most ridiculous dresses we can possibly find you.]

[(_mimics a Jersey accent_) Ai, yeah. We's gotta go find some smokin' hot peoples that look like big time movie and singin' celebs and then flirt the heck outta 'em, even though ya gots a bo and I gots a fiancée, yeah.]

[Freddy: Well, would you mind telling your bo to shut the fuck up so we can finish the story?]

[Hey, don't you talk to me that way. And why are you looking somehow rejuvenated?]

[Freddy: You just can't keep me down, that's why.]

**We went to that shop that salls wedding clothes and the salesguy came. He was a sexy looking guy wit dark hair and dressed in gren and red sweater and leader jacket. **

[Freddy: There's a surprise. A guy in a green and red sweater is sexy.]

[Eli: Shut up.]

**he looked exactly like Justin Beeber. "OMG i hav the perfect outfits for you!"**

[Eli: How ridiculously predictable.]

[Yep. Comparisons to rockstars, necessary planning for an event that will probably have a rock concert, and Textspeak all in one paragraph. Goldmine. You know what? Let's skip this next paragraph, because it's mostly just descriptions of clothes.]

[Thatcher: It's not all-]

[Ai-bup-bup! We're skipping ahead. All the way to- let's see- here!]

**"Its nut fair I should be getting marred 2. I luv u gurl but that s not enuff nemore." I wept. I wanted nuthing mor than 2 b married coz thats what I alwats woshed 4.**

[Eli: Geez, girl. Life doesn't wait for the lazy.]

[That's what I said!]

[Eli: Also, Katie's friendship isn't enough for you? Bitch, be happy you have any friends.]

[Freddy: Also, she _loves_ her?]

[Thatcher: But she obviously misses Gary. That's properly emotional.]

[Twenty dollars says that he shows up by the end of the chapter.]

**I was sad all day even when Justin gave us da clothes and said he wood be singin at da wedding. **

[Rock concert! I told you. Skipping the part about her phone, because that's pointless.]

**Suddenly... a bush jumped out frum behind a man and took a pic of me!**

[Eli:... What?]

[Cicero: Oh, Cicero must have heard it wrong. Cicero thought that when master was reading, he read that a bush jumped out from behind a man. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! But that's... Madness- AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!]

[No, it really says that.]

[Eli: That's some really insane carelessness, right there.]

[Freddy: He took a picture. What a crime.]

**""FUCK OFF BASTARD!" i screamed. But he just kept taking photos. Den all thses people ran up to me exitedly.**

[I told you before, Rubyjanet. The very fact that you tell people not to do something isn't enough to make them not do something. Maybe if you said please.]

**Sum were asking me to marry them! odders wanted my autogap. **

[Eli: I seriously doubt that. Noone in their right mind would consider you, you stupid bitch.]

[And the autographs? Really? You haven't even done anything important. You're famous because you're a bombastic freakshow.]

**I exploded and raun away and hit in in a house and looked the door ancd put up electirc fences that wood KILL any1 ho pissed me of! (AN: LIKE ZAkar I fukking h8 u bastard)**

[Freddy: So much negativity. You'd think that, since this is supposed to be a peaceful event, she'd be more peaceful.]

[I'm not sure I like how you said that. What are you up to?]

[Freddy: I'm not up to anything. I'm just making an observation.]

[_Freddy-_]

[Freddy: I am! Don't set me on fire.]

[Eli: I'd like to know how she had enough time to build an electric fence. Where'd she get the equipment?]

[Rubylogic.]

**Inside the horse**

[(everyone laughs)]

** i was sad and loney **

[Eli: If you're lonely, then let some of those people in, you blubbering moron!]

**and i wishe gray was dere so we could b tgeter. Den i heard sum1 in da hous. **

[This is unbelievable. This one sentence is messed up in almost twenty ways. And since someone's in the house, they must have already been in there. She's breaking and entering.]

**"Wtf is there!" i shouted and took of my sowrd.**

[Cicero: A sword? Where did the nasty, puke-faced brat get a sword? Why not use the cute and powerful creatures?]

[I don't know.]

**"ITS me." Sad sum1 mysterously.**

[No, he friggin' didn't! You are using the word "mysteriously" incorrectly, you retarded doughnut!]

**I gasped.**

[Thatcher: Of course you did.]

**It wos... Gary!**

[Ellipses! Ellipses!]

[Thatcher: It isn't unbelievably long, though.]

[Agh.]

**"RUby its nut Saffire thats getting married 2mato it is u and me!" He mumured.**

[Thatcher: He "murmured"?]

[Cicero: "2mato"? Is that like a tomato? Oh, say yes!]

[Eli: He and Ruby are marrying Nate? That's wrong.]

[If he murmured, then why the exclamation marks?]

[Freddy: This is some bullshit.]

[Thatcher: Besides, the way it works is that you ask her, not tell her, before you prepare for the wedding.]

[Freddy: The nerve of the guy. There's no way she'll possibly-]

**"OOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMFFFFF FFFFFFFFFFGGGGGGGGGGG?!**

[Freddy: (_unable to speak)]_

[Eli: (_rubs his eyes in frustration_)]

[I guess she did say yes after all.]

**I was so fukking happy!/**

[Freddy: Yeah? No shit.]

**An Wasnt dat gud? **

[Eli: No, it wasn't.]

**I cant w8 4 da nex chapa wen I do da weddin**!

[Eli: Eeeergh.]

[Yeah, that's going to be atrocious.]

[Eli: Not that. Something slimy just dripped on me.]

[(_everyone looks up to see four Alien Spawn above them, leering and drooling_)]

[Eli: DIE, FREAKS! (_leaps into the air, draws his lightsaber and slices an Alien Spawn in half. Knocks a second onto the ground in front of Cicero_)]

[Cicero: STAB, STAB, STAB, STAB! (_kills the Alien Spawn in front of him_)]

[Thatcher: Reducto! (_hits an Alien Spawn, which crumbles into dust_)]

[(_notices the last Alien Spawn near Freddy_) Freddy, kill it!]

[Freddy: (_grins evilly as the Alien Spawn escapes_)]

[Eli: What's wrong with you?!]

[You let it go! After it! (_everyone follows it to the main boiler, where they find thousands of eggs_)]

[Cicero: By Mother.]

[Eli: There are so many of them!]

[Thatcher: And they've all hatched.]

[Where's the Beast?]

[Freddy: Up there.]

[(_everyone looks up and finds the Beast and thousands of Alien Spawn. The Beast hits Eli with its tail, sending him flying toward the edge of a ledge_)]

[Eli: (_grabs the ledge and stops himself from falling_)]

[Freddy: Ha! Payback for every time you stabbed me, boy.]

[Cicero: Wretched phantom! (_draws his axe and Michael's knife, but is forced to fight three Alien Spawn_)]

[Freddy: (_turns to the Beast_) Take me to your master.]

[I don't think so. (_telekinetically hurls Freddy away from the Beast_)]

[Thatcher: (_fires off random spells to take out the numerous Alien Spawn surrounding her_)]

[Cicero: (_slaughters dozens of Alien Spawn as they come close enough_)]

[Eli: (_gets surrounded by Alien Spawn, which are crawling upside down toward him. So instead of trying to climb up, he draws his lightsaber and swings around the grated walkway, slicing Alien Spawn as he goes_)]

[(_follows Freddy, who fires a bolt of green energy. Catches it and sends it back_)]

[Freddy: (_teleports away, causing the energy bolt to miss_)]

[(_teleports after him and finds him trying to meld with the Beast's shadow. Hits the Beast with an electricity burst, sending it flying into a pipe_)]

[Freddy: (_telekinetically severes the grated walkway and allows the others to go into freefall_)]

[(_stops to grab the walkway, haul it back up and put it back into place with Dreammagic_)]

[Freddy: So long, bitch! (_melds with the Beast's shadow_)]

[Don't let the Beast get away!]

[Eli: (_climbs back up to the surface_)]

[Cicero: (_turns and pursues the Beast_)]

[Thatcher: (_uses her magic to telekinetically rip an Alien Spawn in half, then pursues the Beast_)]

[The Beast: (_clings to the ceiling, regroups with its Spawn, then vanishes into red mist_)]

[No! It got away. Quick, Thatcher, send us back to the studio.]

[Thatcher: Cronum Transcendus!]

[(_everyone reappears in the studio_) Thatcher, gather up all the food we have and bag it. Cicero, Eli, if there's anything you do before before a very long expedition, now's the time to do it. We're going where everyone can be considered hostile.]

[Thatcher: Slow down. What's wrong?]

[Freddy and the Beast have entered the gratest pokemon master.]

[Eli: I thought you said that he couldn't leave his story.]

[He's found a way around that by possessing the Beast. I don't know exactly how, but it doesn't really matter how he did it. We have to go in there and end this. Somehow, my Alien vs Predator vs Terminator story won't function independently without the Beast's essence. Same with Freddy. I _need_ him.]

[Eli: Okay, so let's just go in there and make her give them back.]

[It's the only way at this point, but I don't think it'll be that simple.]

[Thatcher: What do you mean?]

[FanFiction authors have been given limited god-like powers by the website while they're in the story world. That's why I'm able to overpower Freddy. Not many authors use their powers, but for those that do, there are rules. Rule number one: You may only use your powers in your own stories, unless you are in a literary dispute with another author. Rule number two: Your powers must make sense in your current situation. Rule number three: You cannot use your powers to inflict any permanent physical damage on another author. Those are three simple rules.]

[Eli: What about us? Can we be killed?]

[Yes, but if I capture your essences, then I will be able to take you back to your stories and resurrect you. These rules, though- Rubyjanet probably doesn't even know about them, let alone follow them.]

[Eli: So, we're going blindly into an enemy world with an all-powerful overlord?]

[Cicero: Ooo, what fun!]

[Thatcher: Hey, your computer is acting up.]

[Computer: 9, 14, 24, 16, 4, 22, 18, 23, 21, 28, 12, 22, 5, 25, 8, 23, 4, 23, 11, 8, 17, 28, 21, 22, 4, 17, 24, 21, 13, 24, 22, 13, 8, 15, 24, 22, 23, 4, 14, 12, 23, 7, 18, 26, 16, 18, 21, 12, 26, 12, 15, 15, 9, 14, 12, 17, 21, 12, 19, 18, 24, 23, 18, 24, 23, 28, 18, 24, 23, 11, 21, 18, 23]

[What's this?]


	9. Chapter 8 and a half

[I got it! I cracked the code.]

[Eli: What does it say?]

[Hold on, hold on. I want to tell you guys how to crack this, in case you have to do it yourselves one day.]

[Thatcher: Okay, fine, but let's make it quick. We've wasted precious days here.]

[Too true. Anyway, the code has a series of numbers representing letters from the English alphabet, however, to throw you off, the numbers are flipped around and moved over by three.]

[Thatcher: What do you mean?]

[Well, in a simple Number Cypher, "A" is represented by the number one, "B" by the number two, and so on. But in this cypher, the reverse is true, and you have to add three to each number. For example, "Z" is represented by the number four, "Y" is represented by the number five, and so on, until you get down to "A'.]

[Eli: Really? Well, that doesn't sound so hard.]

[There is one added twist, though. I tried that and came out with gibberish. So, what I tried was... (_thinks how best to put it_) Well, the English alphabet has twenty-six letters, for those who don't know, Cicero. Therefore, each letter has an "opposite". "A"'s opposite is "Z", "B"'s opposite is "Y", and so on.]

[Thatcher: So, after converting the numbers to letters, we have to switch each letter with its opposite?]

[Yeah. After I did that, I came out with this.]

**Fk u! Ma sotry is bveta then yrs, an u r jus jelus! Tak it dowm or I will fkin rip out out you throt!**

[Eli: It's still pretty much gibberish.]

[Cicero: Impossible. Rubyjanet isn't this intelligent. No, not nearly this intelligent.]

[You're right. Someone who's much smarter than she is must be helping her out. However Rubyjanet has done this, she obviously means business right now. Is everything ready?]

[Eli: Been ready for three days.]

[Good. Gather it all up. It's time to go to war, guys!]

[Thatcher: War? You don't mean that, do you?]

[Thatcher, she has stolen my intellectual property. The Beast and Freddy both belong in my stories, not hers! You saw what she had someone post in a coded message. This barbaric, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, loathsome buffoon can't be reasoned with.]

[Thatcher: I think she can.]

[You know what? Let's just get there first, and then worry about it. Is everyone ready?]

[Eli: You already asked that.]

[Oh. Well then, do the spell, Thatcher. Gotta see if I have my phone- yep, we're good. Let's go.]

[Thatcher: Cronum Transcendus! (_sends them into the gratest pokemon master_)]

[Alright, draw your weapons, guys. No telling when-]

[Edward: (_shouts to a large group of Vampires_) There they are! Get them!]

[Eli: (_draws lightsaber and slices two Vampires_) Still want to reason with her, Thatcher?]

[Thatcher: Eventually. (_says while casting a fireball at a Vampire_)]

[Cicero: Cicero! (_stabs a Vampire woman_) Hates! (_cleaves a Vampire man's head open with his axe_) Vampires! (_stabs a fat Vampire man in the throat_)]

[(_a Vampire tries to bite Dark Brother 16's neck, but is stopped mere centimeters away by an invisible force_) What are you doing, man? Do you know who I am? I am an author! You can't kill me! (_swats him aside to confront Edward_) Rubyjanet forgot to tell you the rules, didn't she?]

[Edward: What rules?]

[The FanFiction Reasonable Restrictions to Authors' Abilities. Did you know about them? Did Rubyjanet know about them? Oh well, it doesn't really matter. (_looks to the others)]_

[Cicero: (_slaughters a total of eighteen Vampires_)]

[Thatcher: (_sets seven Vampires on fire_)]

[Eli: (_kills twenty Vampires, notices Thatcher is about to be jumped by two others, and tosses them aside with the Force_)]

[Well, would you look at that, Ed. Just you left.]

[Edward: I'm not fucking Ed, shut the fuck up, you fucktard!]

[Ooo, you kiss 'Bella with that mouth?]

[Edward: No, 'Bella died because she's a fucking slut.]

[Oh yeah, I forgot. But it doesn't matter, because we have to kill you now.]

[Rayquaza: ROOOAARGH! (_flies out of nowhere and ties itself around Cicero_)]

[Cicero: Agh! Unhand me, beast!]

[Loogia: (_makes its noise and swoops down on Thatcher, pinning her to the ground_)]

[Eli: Guys! HYARGH! (_looks down to see an Alien Spawn's tail protruding from his chest_) Oh, you want some?! _(cuts its tail off and rips the barb from his body. Suddenly, thousands of Alien Spawn appear and circle Eli, distracting him long enough for the Beast to pounce on him_) Agh! Get this damn thing off me!]

[Ooh. Well, darn. Tell you what Edward, I'll make you a deal. You let them go, and I won't-]

[Edward: On your knees.]

[Why?]

[Edward: Because she's fucking coming, that's why.]

[I don't think I really want- (_Vampires get resurrected and force Dark Brother 16 to his knees_) Ow! Hey!]

[Rubyjanet: About fucking time you fucking got here. (_floats down to the ground, accompanied by Gary Oak, Pikafire and Freddy Krueger_)]

[Well, I'm sorry, but I had things to take care of. Things to get off my plate, you know?]

[Gary: You dare address her Ruby-ness without permission?!]

[Her what?! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Dude, that's hilarious.]

[Rubyjanet: Shut the fuck up!]

[Or what?]

[Gary: You dare challenge-]

[Hey, seriously, go away. (_turns back to Rubyjanet_) Is this really supposed to be Gary Oak?]

[Rubyjanet: Yes, and he's fucking perfect. He's the love of my life. (_reaches out to caress Gary's cheek_)]

[Gary: (_swoons_)]

[Hellooo, still here. (_they ignore him, so turns to Freddy_) What's with your wardrobe?]

[Freddy: What are you talking about? Red is totally in.]

[(_mimics an aristocratic voice_) Red's not your color, darling. But seriously, why are you here? I thought you told me that you hated this story.]

[Rubyjanet: (_stops having her moment with Gary to stare suspiciously at Freddy_)]

[Gary: (_turns to Freddy, teeth gritted and fists clenched_) What?]

[Freddy: He's lying. I love this story! So much negativity to absorb, so much bitterness. The magnitude of the corrosively despicable vibes is empowering.]

[Rubyjanet: Oh, how poetic.]

[Yeah, well spoken. (_says in a monotone_)]

[Freddy: Oh, you flatter me, your Ruby-ness. (_removes his hat and gives a gentlemanly bow_) Your ignoraminity is so unprepossessing.]

[So that's why you came here? To feed off of the story's energy?]

[Freddy: Yes. And to devote myself to a much more powerful being, of course. (_bows to Rubyjanet again_) Soon, I will have enough energy to defeat you in battle. And because you waited so long to come after me and chose instead to focus on translating my code, I am now twice as powerful as I ever was.]

[You created the code?]

[Freddy: Fucking right I did.]

[Seriously, what is it with you people and that word?]

[Freddy: Can't handle it? You pussy.]

[No, I can handle it. I'm a veteran of Yahoo. It's just that you should try to mix it up a little, be more original. And did I mention that the people who use that word excessively have been scientifically proven to have lower brain functionality?]

[Freddy: Oh, shut up. We'll see how funny you are when her Ruby-ness is done with you.]

[Oh, you really think I'm funny?]

[Freddy: Shut up. You don't seem to get it, man. Bad things are coming your way.]

[(gasp) We're going to Washington DC? Not that! I'm to smart to mingle with the politicians.]

[Freddy: SHUT UUP! (_composes himself_) I don't know what her Ruby-ness is going to do to you, (approaches Dark Brother 16 and stares into his eyes) but I do know this. For every drop of blood you drew, for every cut, every burn, every broken bone you gave me, you will receive the same. For every psychological inhumanity, for every memory you forced me to relive, everything will be repaid to you. As I have suffered, so you will also suffer.]

["And He shall reign in His glory forever and ever, amen." "I now pronounce you man and wife," "with liberty and justice for all", hallelujah, gezhunteight.]

[Freddy: (_sigh_) I give up. He's all yours, your Ruby-ness.]

[Rubyjanet: Good. Now, I will only say this once. Take that fucking story down.]

[Um, which one specifically?]

[Rubyjanet: What?]

[I have ten stories. Which one do you want me to take down?]

[Rubyjanet: You fucking know which one.]

[Oh yeah, that one. Well, I'd like to, but there are a few things, technical things, that I have to take care of first. See, people actually like this commentary, so I have to actually finish it before I take it down. Oh, and there's also the fact that people actually like my commentary, so, sorry, but no can do.]

[Rubyjanet: It's no as good as mine.]

[What's wrong with your voice?]

[Rubyjanet: Ma voice?]

[Gary: Don't listen to him, my love. He's just jealous.]

[Gary, leave. (_turns back to Rubyjanet_) So what makes you think it's better?]

[Rubyjanet: I has more reviews than you.]

[Yeah, but all of mine are positive reviews, except for the ones that you left.]

[Rubyjanet: How you know it was me?]

[Who else spells like "f""k""u""m""a""s""o""t""r""y"?]

[Rubyjanet: Enough! Will you take that shit down or...]

[... Or what?]

[Rubyjanet: Or I will fucking-]

[No, I mean finish your sentence.]

[Gary: How dare you interrupt her Ruby-ness?!]

[Dude, shut up! And no, I will not take down my commentary. Everyone likes it better than your story, you brain-dead doughnut.]

[Rubyjanet: What you call me?]

[A doughnut.]

[Rubyjanet: That's it! Take them away to the Deathcamps! (_watches as Loogia takes Thatcher away, the Beast carries away Eli, and Rayquaza takes away Cicero_) Pikafire, take him to Camp Death.]

[Oh no, a Deathcamp called Camp Death? I'm so scared. No, really, this little guy looks tough.]

[Rubyjanet: Ya, he's invisible.]

[What? No, he isn't. I can see him standing right in front of me.]

[Rubyjanet: Invisible means he can't be killed, dumbarse.]

[Oh, well silly me. I should have known. But nothing's really invincible. And, yeah, the word's actually "invincible".]

[Rubyjanet: Pikafire is invincible!]

[Oh yeah, smarty pants? Prove it.]

[Rubyjanet: He's bean shielded by Katie.]

[Katie?]

[Rubyjanet: Ya, my BFF.]

[I know who Katie is.]

[Gary: Enough of your irreverent disrespect. Edward, have Camp Death ready for him.]

[Edward is in charge of Camp Death? If he's in charge, why not just have him take me instead of Pikafire?]

[Gary: Shut up and get moving!]

[(_Vampires let him up and march him away_) Oh no. How will I ever escape from so many Vampires? There's too many of them. (_gets an idea_) "There's too many men, too many people, causing too many problems."]

[Edward: Shut up!]

["And there's not much love to go arou-ou-ound. Can't you see this is a land of confusion?"]

[Edward: I told you to be quiet!]

[What's the matter? You don't like Disturbed?]

[Edward: SHUT THE FUCK UP!]


	10. Chapter 9

[Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, fans and nerds. I am Dark Brother 16 coming to you from within Rubyjanet's Deathcamp... Camp Death. Yeah, all things considered, this Deathcamp is actually kinda luxurious. (_chuckles_) Yeah, they can't even hurt me because of the rule that says they can't. It's- (_starts laughing_) -it's actually amusing at times.]

[Ekathuma: I love how freaking angry Edward gets sometimes.]

[Yes, and I forgot to mention, folks, that I share a cell with fellow Fanfiction author Ekathuma, one of Rubyjanet's old enemies. And, if I'm not mistaken, it's actually because of you that she built these camps, right?]

[Ekathuma: Yes. I was the first inmate here at Camp Death. When more and more people began to dislike Rubyjanet's story, she built three more. They are Camp Ash, Camp Italy, and Camp Blood. Camp Ash is headed by Ash Kellum, who has Giovanna and Team Rockzit under his thumb. His chief lieutenants are Moisty and Brook, his liaison to Rockzit.]

[This is so much like My Immortal! Every single one of those names are misspelled, except for Ash, and he has the completely wrong last name.]

[Ekathuma: Yeah, not everyone here is like that, though. For example, in Camp Italy, everyone is out of character.]

[Okay, what about Camp Blood?]

[Ekathuma: It's led by Link. It used to be Hyrule Castle, but when Zelda inexplicably vanished, he changed the name and took over. After that, Link and Gannondorf joined forces for some odd reason.]

[I've always wondered, are there two Gannondorfs?]

[Ekathuma: What do you mean?]

[Well, during Chapter Six, Rubyjanet tossed Gannondorf into a time rift. But then, she and Link travelled backward in time, and they met another Gannondorf. So, since Gannondorf has died before and has come back, are there now two Gannondorfs out there?]

[Ekathuma: I don't know. I guess it depends on when Gannondorf of the present wound up.]

[I'd love to cause a temporal paradox by making them meet each other.]

[Guard: Shut the fuck up in there!]

[You shut up! Does our guard even know what we're talking about? She seems a bit dumb.]

[Ekathuma: She is. And I'm using some of my Author's Powers on her so she only hears what I want her to hear.]

[That's good. Anyway, I'm going to stop beating around the bush here, folks. If my readers remember, there are certain almost magical abilities called Author's Abilities. Now, since Rubyjanet abuses her powers and refuses to follow the guidelines, Ekathuma and I have coined the term "Rubylogic", which refers to her powers.]

[Ekathuma: Who first used that term, by the way?]

[You know, I actually can't remember. I think it was my brother, DespicableFool. Anyway, Ekathuma has learned how to cancel out Rubylogic, and he, in turn, taught me. That will, of course, be very useful if I'm to go through with my little crusade to repossess the essences of The Beast and my rendition of Freddy Krueger.]

[Ekathuma: Rendition?]

[Yeah, rendition.]

[Ekathuma: Oh, because he isn't an original character.]

[Right, exactly.]

[Ekathuma: Okay, wait, wait, wait. I just had a thought.]

[What?]

[Ekathuma: If Krueger isn't the real Freddy, because he's a rendition in your Commentary, are we real or renditions?]

[Oh, man. What a strange thought. I hope I'm being portrayed in a positive light. (_Laughs hysterically_)]

[Ekathuma: (_also laughs hysterically_) Yeah, because that would be so messed up if you weren't, since it's your Commentary.]

[Guard: I thought I told you fuckers to shut the fuck up!]

[You just worry about your own business.]

[Guard: You are my business, bastard.]

[Don't make me sing again! I am in control here. Do you understand? If she interrupts us too much, we're going to be here for a while.]

[Ekathuma: Well, we are in jail.]

[Know what, we're getting sidetracked here. Where were we- oh yeah! Anyway, the only way for me to take Freddy and The Beast back, if Rubyjanet refuses to hand them over, would be to break her spirit and beat her in legal Author-on-Author fashion. Ekathuma, would you mind explaining Rubyjanet's weakness?]

[Ekathuma: Her story is her weakness. As all Fanfiction authors know, it's very important to accept constructive criticism. If someone finds a few flaws in your story, you should fix them in order to keep your story's universe in a peaceful balance. Unfortunately, Rubyjanet chooses to simply ignore that criticism, and the result is a self-defeating, cyclic rage spiral. To keep this universe intact, Rubyjanet cannot rely on the story to support itself, and needs to become directly involved and always in control. Now, as I have experienced, whenever Rubyjanet gets more criticism, she needs to concentrate harder, because her universe had split in another way.]

[That's why she wants me to take down my Commentary. Because I keep criticizing it, she has to try a lot harder to keep everything together. And it's more effective because it's an independent story and not a review.]

[Ekathuma: Probably.]

[Okay, so, I have a breakout planned-]

[Ekathuma: Looks like you kind of already did break out.]

[-I-I- come on, man.]

[Ekathuma: Sorry, couldn't resist.]

[Anyway! Ahem! We kill the Rubylogic in this area by doing the next chapter of my Commentary, then we use our Author's Abilities to break out. Sound good?]

[Ekathuma: Yeah. So, let's get started.]

[Right, so the grade for the last chapter. There were two hundred and three misspelled words out of six hundred and nine words, totaling- ew- twenty-nine point four two percent of everything ]

[Ekathuma: Wow.]

[Yeah, I think that this was the worst she's ever done in that respect. This was a freaking terrible chapter. There were one hundred and eighty grammar errors and three violations of the Fanfiction Code of Conduct.]

[Ekathuma: And a positive in failed character development. Why is there a question mark?]

[It's because I wasn't sure about it. It's possible she tried to develop her character, but the delivery was just abysmal and it failed. Ruby was portrayed more negatively by accident. But I counted it anyway because I'm assuming she didn't mean to have that in there.]

[Ekathuma: Okay. So, ten factual missteps.]

[Yeah, again, I'm assuming the worst with this because I wasn't entirely sure about one of them. So, with some of the worst stats possible in almost every category, this chapter, I kid you not, received a zero.]

[Ekathuma: A zero?! Come on.]

[Trust me, I really tried hard to avoid giving this grade. It's not professional! It makes me look like I'm rigging the system. People are going to think I'm cheating. I- (_begins to whine_)- I just can't keep giving zeros. I tried, but there's just no way this story stands a chance. I- (_sobs_)]

[Ekathuma: (_awkward silence as Dark Brother 16 pretends to cry_) Will you be okay?]

[(_immediately sobers up_) Yeah, I'm good. Overall story grade now is fourty point one six percent.]

[Ekathuma: Good, now for comparisons with My Immortal. Description of clothes equals five point nine four percent. (_Re-examines the grade_) That's it? I thought there'd be more.]

[Yeah, but at least I proved that I'm being fair.]

[Ekathuma: Thirteen sentences with terrible adverbs, a positive count on rock concerts and necessary planning and shopping, comparisons with rockstars and sex and rape. (_looks it over_) Oh yeah, the Author's Notes.]

[No incredibly long ellipses l, which has expanded to include unnecessary ones as well, by the way. But there was a gasp, and that makes ten in the whole story.]

[Ekathuma: A positive on Textspeak and demanding that the Reviewers "stop flaming". You know, when we actually do it, we breezed through that.]

[You're right. Let's move on to Chapter Nine.]

**Cahpa 9**

[Oh, I know "cahpa". That's a Greek letter, Kappa, it's called.]

**I DONT CARE WOT U SAY.**

[Ekathuma: Yeah, that's why you're so mad, right?]

**IM A GOD PERSON AN WRITER1111111111**

[A God person? I didn't think she'd be into religion.]

[Ekathuma: Yeah, me neither.]

**FUK U ALL!**

[Ekathuma: I have a girlfriend.]

[I don't.]

[Ekathuma: You don't?]

[I don't want to go there, though. Let's move on to the next joke.]

**IM AM SOOOOOOOOOOO PISSED OF AT U FUKK N UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!**

[Do you think it's coincidence that she uses eleven zeros in the word "so"?]

[Ekathuma: Oh, does she?]

[Yeah, she uses exactly eleven zeros in there. She does it in a different chapter, but I think it may be a design. Then again, Rubyjanet isn't all that sophisticated, is she?]

[Ekathuma: I don't think so.]

**STOP FLAMIN MA STORY!11111**

[Ha! What are you going to do about it?]

**I DONTT FLAME URS**

[That's a lie. She had Freddy send a coded message regarding my Commentary. It's actually been translated and reproduced in my Reviews.]

[Ekathuma: The Review is hers?]

[Yes, it is.]

**LEAVE MINE ALONE IF U CANT SAY SOMETHING NICE DONT SAY IT AT ALLLLL!**

[Ekathuma: Good advice, Rubyjanet. Good advice. You should try it.]

**I witre FAST i bet U FUKKEZRS Cant SCREW U !**

[We don't have to write fast. Because we write better. Quality, you mindless doughnut!]

[Ekathuma: (_laughs_) What?]

[I don't know. Rubyjanet seems to hate being called that, though.]

**I WOTE DIS IN LIKE 20 MINS BET U CANT!**

[It took you twenty minutes to write the word "DIS"?! Ah-ha! That's funny. And by the way, I write just fine my way. Sorry, Ekathuma, bear with me. Random music moment.]

[Ekathuma: Go ahead.]

[Okay, Pimp C in Charmillionaire's Welcome to the South.

"I cain't be you, I cain't do you, I just do me if you ain't

Been where I been, and you cain't

Be who I be if you ain't

Seen what I seen, and you cain't

See what I see..." And that's where I stop.]

[Ekathuma: That's it? What's that mean?]

[It means that I've done more than the average Fanfiction writer. Especially for an American Fanfiction writer. We Americans don't tend to do much of anything anymore. So, I feel like I should explain why I do that.]

[Ekathuma: Yeah, probably.]

[I do that when I'm upset now. I never did that before coming to Fanfiction, but after I found Rubyjanet's story, I began to do it a lot. I'm not sure why.]

**fINE U MITE NOT HAVe RAPE ME3 zAK BUT U WERE THINKIN ABOT IT I BET!**

[Ekathuma: Was not. Certifiable fact.]

**Im NUt a LIAR KKKKKKKKKK!**

[You just admitted you're a liar, you simpleton! You just admitted it!]

**MY MUM IS MAD AT ME COZ O U BATSARD!**

[I hate the word "coz".]

[Ekathuma: Why?]

[Because it's a spelling mistake and a grammar error both in one single word. It just bothers me because I can't stand what I see as bad grammar and spelling that's not worth anything.]

[Ekathuma: Yeah.]

[How's it your fault her mom got mad at her, by the way?]

[Ekathuma: I forget.]

**NEway thankx to ma fans for da god reviews**

[Oh, like- uh, let's see... Natewife actually stopped Reviewing, I think. There was me, but then the story got really bad. There's, I think, just TinkabellaRockafella. That's it.]

**The hall was dun up reall pretty and nice for da wedding. I had planned it all my lif and it was perfect.**

[And yet there are no details on that.]

[Ekathuma: Yeah, explain that, please, Rubyjanet.]

**iT WAS IN DA GARDEN LIKE da one in town wit white a nd red streamers and flowers like roses and daffodils everwhere.**

[Wait, what town?]

[Ekathuma: The one she lives near, I guess.]

[Okay, this is just infantile. Anyone who read my Commentary knows that I'm willing to give a pass if she doesn't describe stuff from Pokemon, because most Pokemon fans know what she's talking about. But this is different.]

[Ekathuma: Totally.]

[It is. Chances are that no one knows what she's talking about except the people on here that happen to live in her 'hood.]

**Saffire did da hair so it was all up and red and gold streamers in it.**

[Ekathuma: It's easy to see how Eli doesn't like this too much.]

**I put on the weddin dress with was white with lace all over it and a plunging neckline and a slipt up my thigh which wzas long and tan from hours of training.**

[Which were never explained and completely kill the continuity.]

**I also put on a necklace which was gold and silver with a pokeball pendant on it. I also put on white high heel pumps wich were shiny leather looking and were white and strappy.**

[You also butchered proper grammar and punctuation with your annoying repetition.]

**(pms me if you want da pic)**

[Ekathuma: No thanks.]

[Besides, you did an excellent job describing it in all of its exaggerated ridiculousness.]

**I aslo put on some makeup like chocolate eyeliner which brought out my starling blue ice eyes and blue eye shadow blended into my palid shin.**

[I wish I could see the look on Thatcher's face with this description of the makeup. It's terrible.]

[Ekathuma: And her attire. She probably doesn't know this, but she just screwed herself, and her feet, especially, up.]

[I'll agree with the description of her eyes though. They are a bit startling, though not for the reasons she had in mind.]

**I also put on some red lipstick and eyeliner.**

[Why so much eyeliner?]

**"OMG you look very unprepossesing" sad Saffie. (AN thanks for da englishh book Katie c how Im using it for this stpory)**

[I love how she seems unable to spell the word "story".]

[Ekathuma: I've never seen it spelled the way she does.]

[Also, I'd like to point out that "prepossessing" means "beautiful or attractive". However, she just turned it into-]

[Ekathuma: -an insult! (_laughs_) Oh man.]

**"Ya." I say looking at myself in da mirror.**

[Ekathuma: So modest.]

**Safire gav me a bandle of flowers that were red and whote then put on her dress (she was gong to be my honor of maid)**

["Honor of maid"!]

[Guard: Will you two shut the fuck up?!]

[Hey, screw you, bonbon! We're having fun.]

[Guard: Fun? This is Camp Death! No fun allowed; you're supposed to be begging for mercy.]

[You haven't been doing anything to us. Fine, we'll be more quiet.]

**She was wearing a red and crimson dress that was covered in seekqins and spakled =like rubys in da sun. and red heeels-**

[Red heeeeeeeels.]

**-and a red flower in her blond hare. She llooked very hot and unpreposessing.**

[Why is she thinking of going gay now?]

**Anyway-**

[Okay, stop right there. Starting a paragraph with "anyway" is a bad move for competent writers. I mean, duh. It's not formal enough.]

**Anyway we put on our makeup-**

[MORE MAKEUP?! (_Notices the Guard_) Sorry.]

**-and then got in a limbo and drove to where the wedding was. We got there.**

[Oh, yeah. Because we really needed to be informed. It's great to be informal, isn't it?]

**Aceswild13 was dere, he looked hot and tall and i cold tell he thouft i was hot 2. He was sooo jealous coz i knew he was in luove wit me but he dint hav a chance coz hed ben men to me b4.**

[But you gave Gary a chance, and he'd been mean to you too.]

**Anyway I was gong to marry Gray.**

["Marry Garry". That's actually poetic.]

[Ekathuma: Yeah, it is. Not bad.]

**Zakar was dere 2.**

[Ekathuma: Hey, it's me!]

[This can't end well.]

[Ekathuma: Nonsense. You speak nonsense. She loves me.]

**He looked so retarded and stupid zand he was ugle and drooling like a baby and he was in nappies coz he's soo stoopid.**

[Ekathuma: See?]

[Yeah, I can just feel the radiance of the love burning my skin.]

**"RUBY Ur stopid and cant rite IM TELLN ur Muther!" he spelt wrongf!**

[Says the one spelling "wrong" with an "f".]

**I took of my gun and shot him a bazillon times then he looked at me all retarded and run away crying anf fell down DEAD!**

[Ekathuma: I remember that. It was fun to read.]

[I hate this part "all retarded". Try "stupidly". That's a real adverb. That's more appropriate.]

**THEN Chzalizard runnede out and ATE him so he was just a blood splat on da grund.**

[Wow, she must really have strong feelings for you.]

[Ekathuma: Yeah. But I'm taken.]

**Ever1 laffed so hARD!1 Then the weddin musik begun. I walked down the island nervously.**

[Not buying it, kid. You just killed a man.]

[Ekathuma: True love is more terrifying, though.]

[How would you know that true love is more terrifying than killing a man?]

[(_Says nothing in order to avoid making the situation worse_)]

**But I Gary looked so happy and sexah that i stopped thinking.**

[Ekathuma: Sounds almost like she's marrying him for his sake.]

[Oh, Gary, that poor thing.]

**We got marred by Mew who proclaim as married and we kissed in front of everyone. everyone1 clap and cheer even Ash and Link And saffire( who wood be marred 2moro). coz we looked so cute together.**

[Every preschooled Pokemon fangirl's dream wedding. I went to a wedding once. It was boring. They didn't even have any cake, because the groom was poor.]

**Anyway we wdent on a plane to our honeymoon on the island like tha 1 in Breaking Dawn.**

[An airplane? Maybe I underappreciated her sense of class.]

**AND we HAD SEX!**

[Ekathuma: (_cough_) Virgin (_cough_)]

[Gezhunteight.]

**(c that is y it is Mrated stupid fukker)**

[No, it's M-rated because of excessively violent content and strong language. Oh, and situational sex scenes.]

**Then we fell asleep.**

[(_Searches for an Author's Note_) That's it, huh? A bit anti-climactic.]

[Ekathuma: There was probably a climax.]

[Gah, dude, shut up! Come on.]

[Guard: I haven't said a fucking word, dumbass.]

[I wasn't taking to you. You know what, I'm tired of you.]

[Guard: Oh, you're tired of me?! Well, I'm tired of you, you bitch.]

[(_Thinks for a minute and whispers to Ekathuma_) Watch this. (_Turns to the guard_) Are you mad?]

[Guard: Am I mad?]

[Yeah.]

[Guard: Yes, I'm fucking mad!]

[Why?]

[Guard: Because I have to watch you two fuckers and you won't shut the fuck up.]

[Oh. You know, you're pretty.]

[Ekathuma: (_Sees where this is going and hides a smile_)]

[Guard: (Turns around, unsure what she just heard) What?]

[You're pretty. Your pale skin, your shiny chesnut hair, it looks good.]

[Guard: Oh. I, uh...Thanks.]

[Ooh, and your red eyes. I need burb ointment, they look like embers.]

[Guard: Really?]

[I don't lie, beautiful. You still mad at me?]

[Guard: Well, a little.]

[Want me to sing you a song to make it up to you?]

[Guard: Okay.]

[Okay, I'm going to make it up. It's a parody of "I've Gotta Feeling":

"I am just kidding

But I do really think you look nice

But tonight is gonna be the night

The night that looks like we're escaping."]

[Guard: Hey, are you trying to trick me?]

[(_Ignores her_) "I don't like what my jail cell looks like,

And the last time I ate this food I

Got the rice, bake beans, and water, and even some chicken."]

[Guard: Seriously, stop singing now.]

["I'm acting nice (_yep_)

But I'm dropping bombs (_yeah_)

Let's make this quick (_zoop_)

I can't stay long

I write Fanfiction (_cool_)

I write for hours (_wow_)

You know Star Trek?

That series is long!"]

[Guard: Shut your fucking mouth!]

[(_The other inmates take notice_)]

["I drop the baddest bombs

There's no need to drop down the DEFCON.

I've been trained to kill, I know Tai Kwon Do,

And I am about to start this show

Here- here we go!"]

[Guard: Shut up!]

[Ekathuma: Skip a bit, Brother.]

[(_The jail begins to shake slightly_) "I'll roll the whole world in a ball like Katamari,

If I break your home, yep sorry!

I'm Dark Brother Warrior.

I am a writer.

I spit it harder,

I want your Overlord to know that I'm POWERFUL!"]

[Other inmates: (_Yell indistinctly, ready to escape. Earthquake intensifies_.)]

[Everyone to the floor,

Let's all say goodbye _(-ye-ye_)

Some of us have been locked up in this camp a while (-_ile-ile_)

Death to all! Screw this world!

'Cause Rubyjanet sucks (-_ucks-ucks_)

Got away in trucks (-_ucks-ucks_)

Eating all your ducks (-_ucks-ucks_)".]

[Guard: (_Dodges some falling debris_) Jailbreak! Jailbreak! The prisoners are trying to esc- (_gets crushed by a large mortar slab_)]

[(_Addresses thin air_) Rubyjanet!

"One say, you'll say, why is everyone dead?

Why didn't I just do what my reviews said?

Now I have no slaves,

Dark Brother runs this place,

I don't know my own name."

Oh, gosh. The guard's dead. I guess there's not a lot of point to this now. _(Watches as the walls all fall over and prisoners riot, overwhelming their vampire captors_) Let's go, Ekathuma.]

[Ekathuma: (_Speaks as they both leave the cell_) I just love how sincere you sounded to her.]

[The guard? Well, I wasn't lying, just so you know.]

[Ekathuma: Yeah, she was kinda pretty.]

[(_Watches as the watchtower collapses_) Let's escape that way. (_Passes the wreckage of the watchtower, where Edward is trapped under large pieces of the building_)]

[Edward: Get me out of here!]

[Ekathuma: So you can cage us again? No thanks. (_Walks out of the Deathcamp alongside Dark Brother 16, then stops_) Hey, Brother, I have to leave now.]

[Leave where?]

[Ekathuma: Back into the Real World. I have some important things to take care of.

[I understand.]

[Ekathuma: (_Opens a shining, white-ish-blue portal above him_) Kick her ass.]

[Will do. _(Watches as Ekathuma is pulled through the portal. The portal closes_) Will do. And I know how to do it too. (_Looks on as reinforcements arrive from Camp Ash. Smiles.)_]


	11. Chapter 10

[Oh, hey, I got an email. Mind checking it for me?]

[Moisty: Fuck you!]

[I'm numb to that phrase by now. Besides, if you're going to be the one holding my phone, then you're the one who has to check my notifications.]

[Moisty: I don't give a fuck about your notifications, you motherfucker.]

[Well, what if it gives you a clue as to where I disappeared to?]

[Moisty: I know where you went. You snuck into her Ruby-ness' armory.]

[Brook: By the way, what are we going to do about that?]

[Moisty: We'll take it up with Ash. He'll know what to do. ]

[Rockzit Grunt: This way, you fucking son of a bitch.]

[Are those the walls? Are we almost there?]

[Brook: Yes, now shut your ass while we take you in!]

[I've got a better idea. (_Grows an extra pair of arms, uses them to push the Rockzit Grunt away from him, draws Eli's lightsaber, cuts his handcuffs, and then begins wielding Eli'slightsaber, Thatcher's wand and Cicero's axe and knife_) Try and stop me from getting in.]

[Moisty: Grunts, stop him!]

[Rockzit Grunts: (_pull out pokeballs and get ready to use them_)]

[Expelliarmus! (_Fires the pokeballs out of their hands before they're activated. Flips around and slaughters the Grunts one by one. Turns to Moisty and Brook_) Give me the phone.]

[Brook: (_faints_)]

[Moisty: No fucking way!]

[Fine. Stupify! (_Stuns Moisty and takes the phone from her limp fingers after she falls unconscious_) Not that you needed any more stupidity. (_Looks up as the Grunts on the battlements notice him)]_

[Rockzit Grunts: A prisoner has escaped! Sound the alarm! (_Dark Brother 16 pulls them over the edge of the walls with the magic in Thatcher's wand_)]

[(_Rushes to the gates of the fortress, draws Eli's lightsaber again, and cuts the gate in several places. Leaps to the top of the gate and knocks it down with body weight_)]

[Prisoners: (_notice what just happened_)]

[Minipeople: The gate is broken!]

[Cicero: (_climbs atop a mound of dirt in the middle of the yard_) The gates have been destroyed! Now is the moment, brothers and sisters in bonds! Now is our chance to repay those who would suppress us!]

[Prisoners: (_yell at him and tell him to get down from his perch_)]

[(_gets an idea_) No, listen to him. He represents me.]

[Cicero: Yes, oh yes, Cicero does. Brave men and women of Camp Ash, today is the day we have all dreamt of! Today is the day that our sweat and our blood, forced from our bodies by the scourge of insanity, means something!]

[(_notices Rockzit Grunts mobilizing to block the gate and moves to stop them_)]

[Prisoners: (_begin to listen_)]

[Cicero: For too long, Cicero says too long, we have suffered for the sadistic pleasure of a maniacal overlord! For too long, we have been left to rot in this hole, forced to live like roaches in a glass jar! For too long has Rubyjanet unleashed her evil on this land, lying through her teeth that she is innocent of any wrongdoing!]

[(_mows through Grunts with the bladed weapons and the lightsaber_)]

[Cicero: It is now our turn to inflict pain, our turn to draw blood, our turn to make our enemies suffer!]

[Reducto! (_turns seven Grunts into dust and draws the attention of the Prisoners_)]

[Cicero: Do you see? Do you see, my friends? Even now, they move to decimate our hope! Even now, they move to kill our collective dream!]

[Minipeople: I had a dream a long time ago. _(everyone listens_) I dreamt that I was in an airplane and wearing a wetsuit. (_everyone wonders what he's talking about_) I was going to skydive in one of those suits with tiny wings in them. The ones that make you look like a flying squirrel. I was skydiving into the ocean, going from thirty thousand feet above sea level to eight hundred feet below it. I dreamt that I was so free. But then I was brought here and that dream, like my freedom, was taken from me!]

[Cicero: Today, my brother, you can take it all back. Today, our persecution will end! Today, we can reclaim our lost collective dream!]

[Ash: (_exits his office with Pikachew_) What the fuck is going on out there?!]

[Cicero: And what is that dream, my friends?!]

[Ash: JAILBREAK!]

[Prisoners: FREEDOM! _(riot against the Rockzit Grunts, taking the burden of the job from Dark Brother 16_)]

[Nice speech, Cicero. (_hands him his weapons and sucks the extra arms back into his body_)]

[Cicero: Oh, thank you, master. But Cicero cannot take all of the credit for that, oh no. Minipeople helped Cicero come up with it.]

[Pikachew: Pika! (_shoots electricity at the Prisoners from atop a watchtower_)]

[Ash: (_over loudspeaker_) Emergency Alert! Jailbreak in progress. All personnel now have authorization to kill the prisoners.]

[Minipeople: (_stomps on the ground, leveling Pikachew's tower with Bulldoze. As Pikachew hits the ground, spins around and hits Pikachew with Drill Run_)]

[Pikachew: (_is sent flying into a wall_)]

[Ash: Pikachew! Noo!]

[Minipeople: Ha! I'm super effective!]

[Let's move. (_runs with Cicero and Minipeople away from the Camp. After an hour, all stop_) Okay, we're safe here.]

[Minipeople: I want to help you with your commentary.]

[(_taken aback_) Okay. That was sorta sudden, but okay. Let's start with the grade for the last chapter. One hundred and fifty of the six hundred and twenty-seven words were misspelled, there were one hundred and fifty-five grammar mistakes, and three of the rules in the FanFiction Code of Conduct were violated.]

[Cicero: It never ceases to amaze Cicero just how incredibly dim-witted this author is.]

[The last chapter was way worse.]

[Minipeople: Worse? How can anything possibly be- hey, what's that? (_stares at a blood red, spike-winged butterfly_)]

[(_also stares at the butterfly_) Anyway, Failed Character Development ran positive and there were eight factual missteps. That means the overall chapter grade this time is, uh, ten percent.]

[Cicero: Whaat?! That's-just-it's-I- gyagh!]

[Yes, it's bad. The overall story grade has gone down to thirty-six point eight one percent. That's easily a failing grade. Now, let's move on to the comparisons with My Immortal.]

[Minipeople: I read My Immortal once.]

[You did? Did you use brain bleach afterward?]

[Minipeople: Yeah, of course I did.]

[You'll know what to expect from My Immortal, then. Twenty-seven point two seven percent of chapter eight is devoted to describing clothes and there are eighteen sentences with terrible adverbs.]

[Minipeople: Nope. Not surprised.]

[However, there were negative counts in Rock concerts and necessary shopping and planning and Comparisons with rockstars.]

[Minipeople: That is a surprise.]

[A positive in sex or rape, no incredibly long ellipses and no gasps, leaving the total gasps at ten for now. A positive count in Textspeak and, most of all, in Demands that Reviewers "stop flaming". You know, I'm getting sort of good at this. Rolling right through it.]

[Minipeople: I'm hungry. Who wants peanut butter cookies?]

[Cicero: Oh, Cicero does!]

[You guys have suffered in a Deathcamp, and you have had access to cookies whenever you wanted them?]

[Minipeople: Yeah, I used my Authors' Abilities. Want some?]

[Yes, please, I'll take three.]

[Minipeople: (_gives the cookies_) You know, I think I'm more powerful than you are, Brother.]

[N-No, you're not! See, Authors' Abilities rely on two things: energy, which is provided by the website, for the most part, and imagination. Noone knows what kind of energy it is, but every author gets the same amount. The difference is that each author has a different imagination, and therefore manage their powers differently. You are not more powerful than me!]

[Minipeople: I am more powerful than you.]

[(_stammers incoherently_) You know what? Forget it.]

[Minipeople: And why do you spell it like "Noone"?]

[What?]

[Minipeople: It's not "Noone", it's "no one".]

[(_stares Minipeople in the face as he realizes that he's been using a grammar error all along_) Let's read the chapter.]

**CHapa 10**

**WARNIN THIS CHAPA IS RATE RAISIN **

[Minipeople: Ooo, raisin cookies. (_creates raisin cookies_)]

**DONT FLAME ME IF U ARE 2 STUPID TO LIKE DIS STORY AND AR OFFENCED BY IT.**

[Cicero: She demands no flames. Ha! Caught her.]

[Yeah, we did. It's not exactly a challenge. Besides, Rubyjanet, the stupid ones are the ones that like your story for no other reason than that you wrote it. The ones who liked your story couldn't spell correctly either. I know because I checked. And I'm only offended by your futile attempts to give us authors advice in what to do with perfectly obvious literary devices. Like the cliffhanger, which you, by the way, did not invent. Or a gosh dang plot!]

**BTW da playlist for dis chapa is justin beeper if i wos ur boyfriend and one dierection got that one thing. START PLAYING NOW.**

[No. No freaking way am I doing that, girl. I refuse to restrict my imagination like that. Whenever I read FanFiction, I don't listen to your music, I listen to my music, you freaking moron. Minipeople, thoughts on this!]

[Minipeople: I think I may actually be crazy. It's this story, man.]

**WE WOKE up.**

[Okay, and?]

**"OMG Rubby you r amazing!" gary cried.**

[Gary Oak, always the fanatic.]

[Minipeople: That's not exactly what she meant. (_eats a cookie_)]

[I know that.]

**"really?" I inquired sweetlyt.**

[A terrible adverb and a grammatical error.]

**"Ya." He said sexily.**

[Dang, I hate that word.]

[Cicero: So does Cicero.]

**The dragonite made a soft loud noise that made gafry jump but nut me coz im nut afraid of pokemone. **

["A soft loud noise"? That's contradictory to the extreme. It can't be both, it has to be one or the other!]

[Minipeople: "Gafry". Did you see that movie?]

[What movie?]

[Minipeople: "Gafry".]

[Gaf... Oh, are you talking about The Great Gadsby? With Leo di Caprio?]

[Minipeople: Yeah.]

[I actually haven't seen that. Should I?]

[Minipeople: You should.]

[Okay. Anyway, this Dragonite reminds me of something I said in a previous chapter about how good it is. I didn't know this at the time, but as the audience was kind enough to point out, Dragonite is actually one of the best Pokémon in standard play.]

[Minipeople: You didn't know that?]

[No, I really didn't. I don't know why, but I am just unable to get myself all the way into Pokémon. My mind works in generalities that don't function in Pokémon. I just think it's just too complicated and I don't want to understand all of it, just what I think I need. That's why I don't get into Pokémon battles.]

[Cicero: Cicero has something to say, master.]

[Go ahead.]

[Cicero: If Rubyjanet, the nasty little slime, wants us to believe that she's all big and brave, then she shouldn't have made herself so terrified of the incompetent wizard, that Gannondorf.]

[That's true. Good catch, Cicero.]

[Cicero: (_smiles, pleased with himself_)]

**The dregonite laffed at him but i told it no in case it hut his feelings.**

[Since when has hurting someone's feelings bothered you?]

**"Oh yea i got this dragonnite for you rubby. I love you so much." Gary sad shyly.**

[Well, that's kind of odd. Why is he acting like that? Is he considering dumping her, on their honeymoon?]

**I was flattened. **

[Minipeople: (_laughs and chokes on his cookie_)]

**I put the pokemon into my ball and on my belt. I got dressed- **

[Yeah, let's just skip a bit. All this is is a long description of her clothes, aaaaaand, guess what else.]

[Cicero: Her tan legs.]

[Minipeople: Her tan legs. Hey, a bunny! Over there.]

[Cicero: Where? Where?]

**Gary was still naked and stuff. He had a really big boy thing and a six pack and big bisects. **

[Bisects? Oh no, not math.]

**He looked axactly like the Peteer on Hunger Games **

[Comparisons with rockstar- or celebrities. It counts from now on! It counts!]

**"Maybe we shoudl just saty lik this he said lauffing."**

[Cicero: Meaning he laughed.]

**"I LIKied looking at him but dint want odder gurls to see him. "No ill but u sum new clothes"**

[Those punctuation marks are all over the place. There are no commas at all, and the quotation marks are used completely- Um, guys?]

[Minipeople: (_on his hands and knees looking through the bushes with Cicero_) The bunny's over there, see it?]

[Cicero: Oh, yes, Cicero sees it.]

[Guys, get back over here, please.]

**"Ya, we can go shopn together lik husband and wife." He laffed, happyiliy.**

[Minipeople: No, the wives go shopping. The husbands work for the money for them to blow off.]

[Less so, nowadays. With America's economy, both parents have jobs in an increasing number of households. Not in mine, because my family is fortunate that way. Now Rubyjanet, since Gary Oak is supposed to be a jerk, you ought to get used to the phrase "make me a sandwich" now that you're married to him.]

[Minipeople: Oh, you went there.]

[Yeah, the feminist stereotypes are fun to toy with.]

**"Yea! I sad" "But first I hav a surprise for u." I took off all my clothes and I cold c that hes was so turned on.**

[That was kind of pointless. Why put on your clothes if you're going to just take them back off immediately afterwards? Factual misstep, plus one.]

[Cicero: Can we skip the sickening sex scene? Cicero can't stand how this brat portrays it.]

[Sure. Let's skip to right here.]

**Gary lokked happy. "i know of a grate shop in cerulin city that has aawesum clothes."**

**"Ya." I sAid happiley. We skipped to the big city which was by the sea-**

[Okay, stop. Without even putting your clothes back on? What, is it some sort of freak show nude beach?]

[Minipeople: Why is it most people at nude beaches are ugly?]

[(_doesn't say anything_)]

** and had a gym that had a leader caused misty ho had water pokemon but she was no match for me in the game so I bet her and got all her money and killed her pokemon.**

[Wow, she said all that in one breath.]

[Cicero: No description of the battle? None at all? Oh, Cicero is very dismayed.]

[Minipeople: And don't forget, they're still on a nude beach.]

[Dude, get around that. But at least we now know where Rubyjanet met Moisty.]

**I tired on a red jacket with blue zips all over it and leather pants wih rips at the kness and white heals.**

[Description of clothes.]

[Minipeople: So they aren't on the nude beach anymore?]

[No, they left it and went inland to go shopping on their honeymoon, because Gary isn't a manly individual.]

** "OMG you look amazing Ruby." Said gary who had just put on aa leather jaket and belts all over it and black jeanss with flames aup the sides.**

[More description of clothes! Come on!]

[Cicero: Cicero is getting bored.]

**We wentr for a walk and saw Ash and Link-**

[Minipeople: Maybe they're spending their honeymoon at the nude beach too.]

[Damn it, man.]

** who liked our outfits then went away. They seemed sad for some raison but I was 2 fukking happy to care.**

[How insensitive. Failed character development.]

**Suddenly the ground exspoded and the dust went into my eyeas and went i wok up gary was gone and a nite flu on da grnd. I pick it up and gasped.**

[This could turn out to be good. She gasped, though.]

**gray has ben kinaped if you want ti c him agan then u will go to to the lake in the corner of da map. Brok...**

[Ellipses!]

**I gasped!**

[A gasp! Goldmine, goldmine! The plot is getting more and more fast paced, I guess. But the mistakes are beginning to go into full throttle in the fast lane. Minipeople-]

[Minipeople: (_begins a Random Music Moment_)

"Uh, my first verse hurts  
I'm on 'til I'm on a island  
My life's ridin' on the Autobahn on autopilot  
Before you strike first, I'll kill you all with kindness  
I kill ya, my natural persona's much worse  
You've been warned if you've been born or if you conform  
To the Mary Sue tactics and wear them like a uniform  
I'll leave you with your socks, hard bottoms and bloomers on  
And hang you by your eyeballs from the horn of a unicorn  
Most authors' intellects are mad so, y'all trolls know  
You claimin' you bangin', you flamin'  
Bet you could power your old cassettes in your asshole  
Me and Bro D created a pact, so that basically resurrected my old flows  
I might rap tight as a drum of a cat kite  
Though I ain't wrapped tight  
My blood type's the '80s!  
My '90s was like the Navy, you was like the Bradys  
You still throw fits daily!"]

[(_catches on_)

So catch me in my Mercedes  
Bumpin' "Ice, Ice Baby", screamin' Mini 'till I die  
Like half a pair of dice, life's crazy  
So I live it the to the fullest 'til I sway  
And you only live it once, so I'm thinkin' 'bout this "nice, nice" lady  
Wait, no, stop me now 'fore I get on a roll (Danish)  
Let me tell you what this angry little dame's name is, because she's kinda infamous  
And I hope that I don't sound too heinous when I say this  
Rubyjanet, but I wanna slap my pencil in your eyelids  
Moron, you think that you're a genius?  
Really, you belong in a dang insane asylum, cleanin', try them trailor parks  
Crazy, I am back and razor sharp, baby  
And that's back with a capital B with an exclamation mark, maybe  
You should listen when I flip the linguistics  
'Cause Ima rip this mystical slick hit  
You don't wanna become another victim or statistic of this hit  
'Cause after I spit the bullets, I'ma treat these shell casings like a soccer ball  
I'ma kick the ballistics! So get this genius, I'ma live this"]

[Minipeople:

"I'm livin' life in the fast lane  
Writin' at the speed of light, and I can't slow down  
Only got a gallon in my gas tank  
But I'm almost at the finish, so I can't stop now  
I don't really know where I'm headed, just enjoyin' the ride  
Just gon' roll 'til I drop and ride 'til I die  
I'm livin' life in the fast lane (pedal to the metal)  
Life in the fast lane (pedal to the metal)]

[Yeah! Great work, Minipeople.]

[Minipeople: Thanks man. You're not so bad, either.]

[Thanks. Hey, the music is still going.]

[Minipeople: Yeah, I got to finish.

"(pedal to the metal)

(pedal to the metal)"]

[Nice! Now what was that all about?]

[Minipeople: Like you just said, it's going to get crazy from now on. So I'm wishing you luck. I have things that I want to take care of, but I will be back.]

[See ya, Minipeople.]

[Minipeople: (_opens a light blue portal and jumps into it, vanishing_)]

[Cicero: What do we do now, master?]

[We break into Camp Italy. And I know just how to do it. Listen carefully.]


	12. Chapter 11

[Alice: So let me get this straight. You want us to lock you up?]

[Yep, that's what I came here for. But there is a catch. In exchange for capturing me, you will release Elizabeth Thatcher.]

[Alice: No fucking way!]

[No?]

[Alice: No.]

[No?]

[Alice: Are you retarded? I said no! ]

[Really? Well, alright. You know, I really thought that you were smarter than this.]

[Alice: (_blinks_) Excuse me?]

[Well, Rubyjanet is looking for me, and she will likely congratulate if not reward you for capturing me. This is the only time that I will offer to give myself up, and should you refuse, I will vanish, without a trace. You will never find me until I make my next attack. And I will get what I want here one way or the other, so why not choose the option that benefits you, before you end up like them. (_points to several dead Vampires_)]

[Cicero: (_giggles, twirling his knife_)]

[Alice: (_thinks this over_) I... I will talk this over with the rest of the Family. You stay here and don't move unless you want Thatcher to become one of us.]

[Whatever, just make it quick. I don't want to waste my time here.]

[Alice: (_leaves the room_)]

[Okay, Cicero, do you remember the way in here?]

[Cicero: Oh, yes, master. Cicero has a very good memory.]

[Excellent. Now, when they release Thatcher, head into that forrest nearby. Walk due North for three miles. By then, you will have lost the ones that they will send after you. Turn around and head back here. You've beaten these guys rather easilly last time, so it should be no trouble for you and Thatcher this time.]

[Cicero: Thank you for your trust, master. Cicero won't let you down.]

[Just don't forget to tell Thatcher the plan so she knows what's going on.]

[Cicero: Cicero doesn't think that she really likes poor Cicero very much.]

[Well, you have slightly different interests, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't like you. You two can be friends, all you need is some common ground.]

[Alice: (_returns_) Alright, fuckface, listen up. It was a difficult decision, and the vote was close, but the Cullen Family has decided to accept your offer.]

[I see.]

[Alice: I... expected you to be happier about it.]

[I'm being polite. Why are you mad?]

[Alice: Don't start thinking that just because we agreed to this that we are friends.]

[Of course not.]

[Alice: I'd like nothing more than to see you and your clown friend turned into Vampires as well.]

[Ooo. (_pretends to be scared_)]

[Alice: Shut up. I hate you and your friends, understand that?]

[Yes.]

[Alice: I- well, good. Because I will eventually see you all in here.]

[I'll bet you'll see us all in here by tomorrow. Now let's make the trade.]

[Alice: (_gets out a pair of handcuffs_)]

[Ah-ah-ah, I don't think so. Release Thatcher first, then I will hand myself over.]

[Alice: What? No you won't. I see where this-]

[You mean you're going back on your promise!? Already?]

[Alice: My promise-]

[I told you to do two simple things. First, release Thatcher, then put me in handcuffs. You already had people go fetch Thatcher, now you have to wait until they bring her through that door to put me in handcuffs.]

[Alice: How do you know that they are coming?]

[I am an author, I know everything. Now grow a spine before they come through that door.]

[Alice: Listen, asshole-]

[Thatcher: (_is marched in by two burly Vampires, who toss her onto the floor)]_

_[(raises eyebrows at Alice smuggly, then allows her to handcuff him) _See them safely out, would you Alice?]

[Alice: Fuck you.]

[Have fun, Cicero. (_is marched into the cellblock where a Vampire with silver hair and a blue hoodie is easilly heard from his cell being tortured_) Hey, guys, stop torturing the guy. His screams are driving me crazy!]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: (_leans out of the shadows_) Well, look who it is.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r. How'd they get you?]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: I let my guard down. But I can escape any time. (_puts Vampires holding Dark Brother 16 into a trance and forces them to put Dark Brother 16 into the same cell as he is_)]

[That was really cool, man.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: So what brings you here?]

[I was negotiating the release of one of my OC's.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Oh yeah. Thatcher.]

[You've been reading my commentary.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Of course.]

[Wanna help me out with a chapter?]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Absolutely.]

[Excellent. You got the guards, right? They won't hear us?]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Right.]

[Good. Let's start with the grade for the last chapter. There was a total of five hundred thirty-nine words this time, and one hundred fifteen of them were misspelled. That means twenty-one point three three six percent were misspelled. There were one hundred and thirty-five grammar errors, three violations of the FanFiction Code of Conduct, a positive in Failed Character Development, and eight factual missteps.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: What's the overall chapter grade?]

[A big, fat, round ten.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Only ten percent? Well, at least it isn't a zero.]

[Yes, but it brought the overall story grade down to thirty-four point one two nine percent. You know, I really hope that Rubyjanet doesn't mess up so badly that she pulls out with a zero. I really do. I have to give it a fighting chance, right? Thatcher keeps saying that.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Don't try too hard to save it.]

[I won't. Anyway, moving on. Description of Clothes totals nineteen point eight five two percent. There are fourteen sentences with terrible adverbs, a negative count in Rock Concerts and necessary shopping and planning, and possibly a positive count in comparisons witg rockstars. I'm not entirely certain, but I counted it anyway. There was a positive count in sex or rape, but no incredibly long or unnecessary ellipses. A character gasped twice, bringing the total for the story up to twelve. And finally, there were positive counts in Textspeak and demands that reviewers "stop flaming". Are you alright? You haven't said anything.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: I'm fine. Just listening to you.]

[Okay, just try not to let me do all the talking.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Deal.]

[Guard: You two are being very quiet.]

[Are you saying that you have a problem with it?]

[Guard: Well, yeah, I-]

[There is no satisfying you people! I talk, and you want me to shut up. I shut up, and you tell me to start talking. You haters had better make up your minds!]

[Guard: I mean that when you move your lips no sound comes out.]

[Oh no. Dude, are you feeling okay? Do you need to sit down?]

[Guard: Huh?]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: (_catches on_) When was the last time you've had some water?]

[Guard: What?]

[He can't understand us. It's more progressed than I thought. Don't you worry, pal. I know basics in professional psychology. I can help you.]

[Guard: What's going on?]

[Okay, so you are seeing things that cannot be happening, like our mouths moving without making any sound, and you suffer from sporadic and brief periods of what we psychiatrists call a Reverse Stroke.]

[Guard: A what?]

[A Reverse Stroke, man. In a regular stroke, one strings together words in a way that makes no sense. A Reverse Stroke is when you are unable to understand what other people are telling you. It seems to me- Hey, look at me, pal. This is important. I'm no professional, but I think you may be suffering from the early stages of Cranial Halletosis.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: It's very bad, man.]

[Guard: _(is a little nervous now_) What does it do?]

[Oh, good. His speech is coherent. Okay, so Cranial Halletosis is a progressive mental illness that results in those afflicted becoming brain dead. Do you suffer from stress at work?]

[Guard: Yes. Yes I do.]

[Okay, what about your family life? Do you feel unappreciated at home?]

[Guard: Sometimes.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Is there a ... particular area of your life where you feel... dissatisfied?]

[Guard: Um... maybe.]

[Okay, one last question. It may seem stupid, but it's essential. How many fingers am I holding up?]

[Guard: Three.]

[Okay, what you need to do is you need to go find a quiet, comfortable place and just relax. Maybe listen to some New Age music, drink something cold but not alcoholic, and stay there for about half an hour every day. Starting tomorrow, you need to confront your problems and resolve the tension in your life. Okay?]

[Guard: Okay, I will. Thank you, kid.]

[No problem. (_waits until he leaves_) Idiot. Anyway, let's start with the Commentary before anyone else gets suspicious.]

**C11**

**MARK! U FUKING SUK I H SLUT FUKKING U SO MUCH!**

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Woah.]

** I WOSH U WOOD CRAWL IN HOLEW AND DIE BICH! **

[These Author's Notes, I'm telling you. They're the most fun.]

**I THOUGHT U LIKED ME U SAD URSELF I HATE U!**

[She must feel so betrayed in that bizarre, delusional, sociopathic little mind of hers.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Maybe she should have seen it coming.]

[Maybe. Let's avoid judging on this.]

**LAURA TOLD ME U JUST NEDDED A DATE 4 DA SOCIAL AND U WOOD DITCH ME AFTER**

[Mm-mm-mm. The solution to avoiding this, Mark, would have been to simply not go. Or, if you had to go, you should have gone alone. Trust me on this. I am an expert in this particular area of socialization. You go alone to these things to avoid obligations, or, if it's a dance that you're at, you go to the buffet table and eat until you're queasy. That way, you won't be lying when you say that you aren't feeling well and have to leave.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Classy.]

[Thanks.]

**WELL GUESS WHAT I DITCH U! AND GUESS WOT EVER1 HATES U NOW U ARE SUCH A FUKKING LOSER!**

[(_re-reads exerpt_) So, why does everyone hate him? Just because you posted that he's a "loser" on the Internet?]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Weak. If she wanted to build him up, she did a good job.]

**I HATE U Ive ALWAYS HATED U.**

[Right. That's why you're making such a big deal out of it.]

**UR FRIEND S LIKE ME BUT I STILL HATE U AND I NO U STILL LOV ME BUT PLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAESSS SSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEE!**

[SuicidalR3ap3r: If he really loves you, then why is he dumping you later?]

[Yeah. I'm an American, and I understand that.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: What does being an American have to do with it?]

[Nothing, really. Never mind.]

**1 U MAKE ME TOUCH UR HANDS 4 STUPID RAISINS!**

[Hey, you take that back. Raisins are not stupid.]

**U R SOOO UGLE AND FAT ID RATHER DATE SCOTT WILSON THAN OR A DEAD RAT THAN U!**

[Woah. Bite.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: She actually went there. She mentioned a real person.]

[Yeah, what's up with that, Rubyjanet? Maybe this Scott Wilson is a nice guy. Hell, I'd be willing to say that he's a great guy.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Besides, if you'd rather date him, then why don't you?]

[Oh, you're right. That's a good point.]

**I AM NUT JEALSOU**

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Of course not.]

**I HAT U MORE THAN ANYTHIN IN THIS DAMN WORLD!**

[(_pretends to cry)]_

[SuicidalR3ap3r: What?]

[She hates him more than me. (_pretends to sob, then stops_) Ha! She'll hate me soon enough.]

**FUKKIN FUK U FORVERq!11**

[I doubt that he even reads this, so it isn't all that effective.]

**Ruby took ou her gun and shooted da loser MARK and gazillion times until he was crying and dead!**

[Take it from an expert. People don't cry and die at the same time. It's one or the other.]

**AND DEN SHE CUT HIM INTO TINY PIECES AND ATE DEM!**

[Oh hell, I forgot about this part. I hope you don't mind me doing this, Sui. (_does the Sign of the Cross_)]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: (_unconsciously leans away from Dark Brother 16 as he does the Sign of the Cross_)]

[Sorry, man. It's just that this is the worst crime a human being can possibly do to another human being. For real, man, I feel like I need forgiveness for my sins for just knowing that she feels this way.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Calm down.]

[(_tries to calm down, but continues to hyperventilate slightly)]_

[SuicidalR3ap3r: (_rolls eyes_) Humans.]

**Anyway my English teach told me u only fink Ruby is a Mary Suet coz u don no her past lik I do**

[You seriously only just figured that out just now? That we don't know her backstory? Well, it's a little late for a prolouge now. No. No, you must mean that you're weaving it into the plot right now.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: That might be what she means.]

[And by the way, the very fact that you think we would automatically know her past is just infantile. You have to show us her backstory in a relevant continuation of the plot. And no, that's actually not why we think she's a Mary Sue. You have clearly demonstrated that she is a Mary Sue with the manners of a Pit bull and the disposition of a rhinoceros.]

**so this chapa is the stroty of her passt so to build yup her grate person.'**

[SuicidalR3ap3r: But she isn't a great person.]

[Yeah, you've clearly demonstrated that.]

**Dis is called char building which is something u all ned 2 do.**

[Grrrrrr. (_begins shaking in raw fury)]_

[SuicidalR3ap3r: (_stares blankly at Dark Brother 16 as thunder rumbles in the dustance)]_

[(_causes a tempest of thunder and lightning outside as he begins to rage)_ SHUT UP AND GET THE HELL OUT! You stupid, ignorant, talentless, lying, hypocritical, pompous, stuck up, half-witted, pea-brained, insecure, rotten, stealing, hopeless, gutless, loathsome, arrogant, self-righteous, unethical, self-destructive, childish, snot-nosed, buck-toothed little freak! My characters each have more development than your entire world! Heck, I can barely get along with Eli half of the time, and I CREATED him! (_the cell block begins to shake and an enormous crack spreads across the ceiling_) Thatcher is unbelievably naive, and another character in her story rarely bathes. Cicero isn't my own creation, but he has more character than you do. His Listener's a coward, and all of his friends are unrepentant murderers. Don't you lecture me on character building! And I am speaking for myself, here, not Sui, but I'm sure that he'll say the same thing.]

[Guards: (_begin to panic)]_

[Uh oh. I must have lost control.]

[Guard #2: Grab the keys! We have a jailbreak! Form up outside! Someone warn Alice! (_two other guards leave to warn Alice)]_

[(_notices that no Guards remain_) We have to hurry up and finish this before they come back.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Yeah.]

**Ruby was 5 yrs ol d when her dad abadoned her to her muther who got relly depressed and stated to drink all the time (she was a n alcholik)**

[Really? An alcoholic who drank? No way.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Know why she was depressed all the time?]

[Why?]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Because now she had to watch Ruby alone.]

[Oh, yeah. Heh, heh!]

**then abandoned her 2.**

[That confirms it.]

**Ruby then had to live on her own in da house all by herself.**

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Cursed redundancy.]

[Yeah, and repetition, too! (_laughs_)]

**She had to hunt 4 her owned food coz there was none left in da house.**

[How did she learn to do that? She's five years old, she doesn't know how to do that. She isn't fully house trained, either.]

**She got real good at it so ever1 new she was relly tough an dint mess with her.**

[I can't think of any one comment to make that will cover this whole thing, so let's just move on.]

**Dis was when Gary stated to crush on her.**

[SuicidalR3ap3r: That reminds me. Did you vote on my poll?]

[Sure did.]

**One day he saw her walking in da forrest outside her house just back frum a hunt. gary was watching her, ameyerly.**

[SuicidalR3ap3r: What's this word?]

["Ameyerly". Do you think maybe "admiringly"?]

**Her clothes-**

[Nope. Skipping irrelevant description of clothes.]

**She was the most beauftul gurl he had ever seen.**

[Mary Sue for sure.]

**"Sum day im gong to marry that gurl?" Gary thought quietly to himself.**

[Well, he did think it, so noone but him heard it. Too much unnecessary explanation, there.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: And why the question mark?]

[Second thoughts, maybe? Conflict, perhaps?]

**Anyway Ash saw her 2 and admired her beaufy. But he was too busy with his pokemon to think about it odderwise he wood b 2 sad.**

[In Pallet's fair city

Where the trees are so pretty

I first set me eyes on Ruby Masterball

And she acts like the Pharoah

In the streets broad and narrow

She's called Mary and Susie, and she's alive, alive-o.]

**Anyway Ruby got her deer back and cooked it on a fire she made by rubbing too stickers 2gether.**

[One: she's still five years old, so how did she learn to cook? Two: how did she learn to make fire? And three: there are better and easier ways to make fire. Take it from me, I am an Eagle Scout.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Really?]

[Yep.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Congratulations. ]

[Thanks.]

**She wanted nutheing more than too train pokemon and go to da league one day but not today coz**

[... Because what?]**  
**

**Nam. Ruby Janet Masserbalt**

**Age. 15yors**

**Bday. 3th May 1993**

**height same as me**

**weight 33kgs**

**hair col is red**

**fav color is red**

**bf Gary**

**fav num 3**

[SuicidalR3ap3r: (_sigh_) What is this?]

[It's a character sketch. Ooo, she's going to get it now. These are not allowed.]

[Alice: What the fuck are you doing in here? You made one of the Guards lock himself in his room and all the others run away? (_notices the_ _cellphone_) What the fuck is that?]

[A Samsung Galaxy S4?]

[Alice: (_snatches the phone_) Motherfucker, you will get no food for a month!]

[Oh, ho, ho. I'm really scared. Go apply some shadow, why don't you?]

[Alice: Guards! Stay here and fucking watch him! (_leaves_)]

[(_to SuicidalR3ap3r_) Okay, now I'm bored.]

[Guard: Nobody gives a shit! Now don't try and trick ne again.]

[I wasn't talking to you. (_listens as the silver haired Vampire cries out in pain again_) By the way, who are these other prisoners?]

[Guard: Most of them are our sworn enemies, the werewolves, defeated and captured when her Ruby-ness favored us in our war. But that guy (_points at the silver haired Vampire_) is going to be executed for cheating on her Ruby-ness.]

[Werewolves, huh? Hey Sui, do you know Disturbed's The Animan?]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: (_grins and starts the music for Disturbed's The Animal)]_

[(_begins to growl for effect) NOW!]_

[Guard: What are you doing?]

[Inmates: (_take notice and notice the crack in the ceiling)]_

[I can feel the animal inside

My resolve is weakening

Pounding at the doors of my mind

It's nearly overpowering

I cannot begin to describe

The hunger that I feel again

Run if you intend to survive

For the beast is coming to life

Taking form in the glimmer in this tainted moonlight

Death approaches

On this night!]

[Guard: Shut up! Stop singing!]

[For the animal's soul is mine

We will be completed right before your eyes

I have no control this time

And now we both shall dine in Hell tonight]

[Inmate #1: Kid, are you mocking our conditions?]

[I can hear it calling again

The primal need is filling me

Changes are about to begin

And now my blood is boiling!]

[Inmate #2: Kid, what are you trying to communicate? Are you one of us?]

[Guard #2: No, he isn't, shut your freak ass!]

[I can see the fear in your eyes

But you can't bring yourself to scream

Time to shed the mortal disguise

For the beast is coming to life

Taking form in the glimmer of this tainted moonlight

Death approaches on this niiiiiight!]

[Inmate #1: You want us to transform?]

[For the animal's soul is mine

We will be completed right before your eyes

I have no control this time

And now we both shall dine in Hell tonight]

[Inamtes: (_notice the moonlight seeping through the crack in the ceiling and grope for it)]_

[Guard #2: No, stop!]

[Inmates: _(all groan and yell as they keel over, grow snouts, long ears and fur. Having fully transformed into their beast forms, they begin banging against the bars)]_

[Guard: Step away from the bars!]

[(_watches as some of the guards are killed by the werewolves from the insides of their cells_) We begin the hunt and I

Feel the power course, as the creatures take flight

For the kill is close and I will be satisfied

For the smell of fear tonight

Wakes an ancient lust that will not be denied

You're mine!

For the animal's soul is mine

We will be completed right before your eyes

I have no control this time

And now we both shall dine in Hell tonight!]

[Inmates: (_break out of their cells and begin rampaging through the cellblock_)]

[Guard: Fall back! Jailbreak! Jailbreak!]

[Guard #2: Fine, then! C-come on, fuckers! I'm not scared of you! (_gets grabbed by Inmate #1, who chews her up)_]

[For the animal's soul is mine

And the world around will never hear your cries

An unholy crime

And now we both shall dine in Hell toniiiiiight!]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: Impressive show. One would think that you actually wanted to break out.]

[Oh, no. Not yet.]


	13. Chapter 11 and a half

[Guard #1: (_outside the prison, watches inside the prison walls, just like everyone else_)]

[Cicero: (_sneaks up behind Guard #1 and Guard #2, steals Guard #2's weapon and uses it to stab Guard #1 in the back_)]

[Guard #2: Hey, what the fu-]

[Thatcher: (_hits him with a silent Killing Curse, sending him flying backwards, but quickly snatches the corpse out of the air and dumps it on top of Guard #1_)]

[Cicero: The Vampires will have heard that. We must hide.]

[Thatcher: Behind these barrels. (_she and Cicero hide_)]

[Guards: (_show up to what appears to them like the aftermath of a fight scene_)]

[Guard #3: Todd! Jeremy!]

[Guard #4: What the fuck happened?!]

[Guard #3: Bitch, what do you think? Jeremy killed Todd!]

[Guard #4: Bullshit. Why do you think-]

[Guard #3: Jeremy is on top. The guy on top is always the attacker.]

[Guard #4: Okay, smartass, why did he do it, then?]

[Guard #3: Probably because he was a motherfucking heredite and that's what you sons of bitches do.]

[Guard #4: Motherfucking heredite?]

[Guard #5: (_steps between Guard #3 and Guard #4_) You got a problem with Lilac, asshole, and you got a problem with me.]

[Guards #6, 7, 8 and 9: (_step in front of Guard #3 and simultaneously rip off matching sunglasses in an act of aggression_)]

[Guard #3: Oh yeah, big guy? Come on, let's go!]

[Guard #4: Nobody calls Mat big guy but me! That's it, jerkoff! (_steps forward as Guards # 5, 10, 11 and 12 rally behind her) _My boyfriend, Mat, is going to fucking rip off your fucking ugly fucking head, fucking punch off your fucking face, and skull fuck you! And all of your fucking halfbreed fuck buddies are going to be gang ass fucked to hell!]

[Guard #3: We halfbreeds are stronger than you are, bitch, our infections are fresher than yours!]

[Guard #5: Your ass is going to be my bitch!]

[Guards: (_all begin rioting against each other__)]_

[Thatcher: Well, it looks like things got a bit more interesting. ]

[Cicero: Foolish Vampires. The entire prison is up in arms now. And yet, it couldn't be easier to slip in. Let's move. ]

[(_inside the Deathcamp, hums Beat It to himself, until he looks up)]_

[Alice: Okay, what did you do?]

[Hm? Oh, the fighting outside. I didn't do anything. It's Rubyjanet's birthday. ]

[Alice: So?]

[So, that means she's paying less attention to this little world of hers than she should be. The reasons they are fighting have always been there, but Rubyjanet has been holding them back. Because she is no longer doing that, and because of a little... incident by the North wall, the Guards have conveniently enough forgotten their petty blood feud's truce.]

[Alice: The North wall? (_notices SuicidalR3ap3r_) Was it you?]

[(_also notices SuicidalR3ap3r_)]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: (_is bent over in the corner, panting slightly_)]

[No, it's not him. I don't really know what is wrong with him.]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: I'm fine... (_looks up, his eyes now burning blood red, and grins) _I'm just... building up... my power...]

[Thatcher: Bombarda! (_blows open the door to the cellblock_)]

[SuicidalR3ap3r: (_takes advantage of the distraction and turns into a dark mist for a split second, phasing through the bars. While turning back into human form, grabs Alice by the throat and tosses her onto a pile of dead werewolves. Shoots a fireball at the pile of werewolves and burns it up. Turns to the others and speaks in a deep voice_) Mugret... Ore... Icima... Mae... Erarticlac... Subit... (_begins to flicker in and out of existence, flashing numbers as he dies so_)13, 39609, 67, 7, 9, 0. SuicidalR3ap3r has been disconnected. (_vanishes_)]

[Thatcher: What the hell was that?!]

[I think it was SuicidalR3ap3r. That was badass.]

[Thatcher: What did he just say?]

[It was Latin backwards. He said Tibus calcitrare eam, amici. Ero tergum. It means "kick her butt, friends. I'll be back".]

[Thatcher: I thought SuicidalR3ap3r was more normal. You never-]

[Yeah, I have a theory about that. Cicero, Minipeople was crazy, right? And now, SuicidalR3ap3r is demonic, despite being a Catholic. I think anyone in this story undergoes dramatic changes in character depending on how Rubyjanet sees them.]

[Thatcher: Oh, well, okay. Can we leave now?]

[As soon as I get my phone from Alice, yeah. (_walks over to Alice, who is unconscious, but not dead) _Aw, the screen cracked.]

[Thatcher: I'll fix it. Reparo! (_the phone loses the cracks and even has a clean screen_)]

[Thanks.]

[Cicero: Master, one of them is still alive.]

[The one with silver hair?]

[Cicero: Yes.]

[We're bringing him with us. The guards mentioned that he was an enemy of Rubyjanet's.]

[Cicero: But he is a Vampire. He will betray us.]

[Pick him up, Cicero. We'll deal with that part later.]

[Alice: You... will not... leave... my...prison...]

[Uh oh. Cicero, pick him up now! We're going to have company.]

[Cicero: (_picks up the unconscious silver haired Vampire__)]_

[(_all run out past the fighting Vampires, who are too busy fighting to notice that two prisoners are escaping)]_

[Alien Spawn: (_outside the prison, they scream their bloid churning cry, swooping down from the trees to block their path)]_

[Really? Alice called these guys? Okay, plug your ears. (_emits a high pitched sound that causes the Alien Spawn to screech and writhe in pain. The Vampires all begin to cry out in pain as well, even the silver haired Vampire)]_

[Guards: (begin to snap back to their senses and turn toward the escaping prisoners)]

[Oh no. Looks like Rubyjanet is taking notice. Let's get out off here.]

[Cicero: Cicero can't run with the Vampire, master.]

[Okay. (_points at the Alien Spawn and puts them into a trance, forcing them to fight the Vampires__)]_

[Guards:(_taken aback, they fight back against the Alien Spawn, even though they are outmatched_)]

[Okay, that takes care of them. Let's get going. (_they go for about an hour and a half before they stop__) _Okay, Cicero, set him down.]

[Thatcher: Why was this guy in that place? Why does Rubyjanet want him dead?]

[I'll wake him up and ask him. Hey, dude, we're there. Wkae up.]

[Silver: Uuugh. What?]

[I said we're there. Come on, get up.]

[Silver: Bwergh. Where are we? Who are you people?]

[Cicero: We are in a forest several miles from the prison. They won't find us, attack us.]

[Thatcher: Easy now. You've been through quite a lot.]

[What is your name?]

[Silver: Give me your name, and I'll give you mine.]

[Okay. That's Cicero, this is Thatcher, and I am Dark Brother 16. Now, your name.]

[Silver: No, I don't trust you.]

[Hmph. Typical. You automatons are just like your creator.]

[Silver: Ruby? Where is she?]

[Well, I was sort of hoping you could tell us, Silver.]

[Silver: How do you know my name?]

[Read it.]

[Silver: What? You're one of the Flamers!]

[... Yeah.]

[Silver: I have nothing to say to you.]

[Why not?]

[Silver: Because nobody likes you.]

[You just spoke to me.]

[Silver: Fuck!]

[Thatcher: Seriously, I am tired of hearing that kind of language.]

[But really, Silver, why are you so hateful to us? We saved your life.]

[Silver: Yeah, I guess you did. Thanks.]

[So, do you know where we can find Camp Blood?]

[Silver: Yeah. I used to be in charge of it, until her Ruby-ness gave the job to Link. I'll take you there, and we'll call it even.]

[Uh, actually, no, I don't think so. We broke you out, you help us break someone else out.]


	14. Chapter 12

[Rubyjanet: Fucking asshole bitch! (_breaks table with Author's Ability strength_) Another fucking chapa?! How?! How?! HOW?!]

[Gary: (_approaches cautiously_) My love?]

[Rubyjanet: What the fuck do you want?!]

[Gary: I want to make you happy again. What do you want me to do?]

[Rubyjanet: I want you kill Despicable Brother!]

[Gary: What? But, I-]

[Rubyjanet: You don't fucking love me after all, do you?]

[Gary: What? No, I do. Nobody would ever be able to love you as much as I do. I'd sacrifice the world, the entire universe to make you smile.]

[Rubyjanet: (_says nothing, turns around to gaze out her window_) Is Camp Italy secure?]

[Gary: It is, but all priority prisoners have escaped.]

[Rubyjanet: Fucking A. What's left?]

[Gary: Camp Blood, my love.]

[Rubyjanet: Send word to Link to kill the prisoners. I don't want any more escaping.]

[Gary: Yes, your Ruby-ness. (_turns to leave_)]

[Rubyjanet: And Gary, dear.]

[Gary: Yes, your Ruby-ness?]

[Rubyjanet: Meet me in my room when you're done.]

[(_meanwhile, outside Camp Blood_) Hello again, everyone. Dark Brother 16 here with Thatcher, Cicero and Silver. We are right outside Camp Blood, formerly known as Hyrule castle, I guess. Silver, care to explain that?]

[Silver: Okay, so, Link has-]

[Hold on, hold on, hold on. Say it into the camera.]

[Silver: (_turns around and looks over Dark Brother 16's shoulder_) The what?]

[The camera. The-loo-the thing in my hand, look at it. Yeah, great. Now explain.]

[Silver: This is stupid.]

[You're stupid. Just start talking.]

[Silver: Okay, so, when Link took over after Zelda vanished, he made the castle bigger. He would have ruled well, but then her Ruby-ness began to get so annoyed by you flamers that she began pulling them in and putting them in the Deathcamps. Most of them kept escaping, so Link joined forces with Gannondorf to increase the military capabilities of Camp Blood.]

[Yeah, Eketahuma explained that. Go on.]

[Silver: Why? You seem to know everything already.]

[Dude, for real, keep talking.]

[Silver: Okay, alright. So, when Gannondorf came into the picture, he began persecuting the monkeys. While they were once friends to all since Twilight Princess, they are now public enemy number one.]

[And they are exactly who we turned to to help us. You all ready?]

[Monkeys: (_all screech violently, blood lust in their eyes)_]

[You guys ready?]

[Thatcher: Ready.]

[Cicero: Let's kill them!]

[Silver: Yeah, I guess so. Fuck me.]

[Then grab some vines and let's swing down! (grabs one himself) I'll use my powers to give us an edge.]

[Monkeys: (_all swing down toward the castle walls)]_

[Guard #1: WOAAAH!]

[Guard #2: Hey, what the fu- (_is trampled by hundreds of monkeys_)]

[Thatcher: (_swings down onto the castle wall and sets a Guard on fire_)]

[Cicero: (_swings down and guts one of the Guards_)]

[Silver: (_swings down and bites one of the Guards' necks_)]

[Welcome to the jungle

We've got fun 'n' games

We got everything you want

Honey, we know the names

We are the people that can find

Whatever you may need

If you got the money, honey

We got your disease

(_swings down and kicks two Guards off the edge of the castle walls_)]

[Guard #1: Ring the alarm bell! We're being overrun, fast! (_runs into an ape with a pink flower on her head__)]_

[Ape: (_howls, beating the ground with its front paws_)]

[Guard #1: SHIT!]

[Guards: (_seven reinforcements rally behind him_)]

[Guard #1: Ha ha, fuck you!]

[Ape: (_yells defiantly and rushes at the Guards, flattening them one by one_)]

[Guard #1: Fuck! (_his head gets creamed by a mango__) _Hey!]

[Capuchin: (_hurls another mango at the Guard, then dashes into the marketplace_)]

[Guard #1: Come back here, you little son of a bitch! ]

[Welcome to the jungle

It gets worse here everyday

Ya learn ta live like an animal

In the jungle where we play

If you got a hunger for what you see

You'll take it eventually

You can have anything you want

But you better not take it from me]

[Silver: Will you stop singing?! I can't think.]

[That's because you're Rubyjanet's construct. Now fight. (_All move into the marketplace, where the monkeys are just going to town with the Guards_)

You know where you are

You're in the jungle baby

You're gonna diiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeee!]

[Ape: (_plows through dozens of Guards, consumed by revenge-driven rage and unstoppable_)]

[Guard #1: Hold still, you fucking cocksucker! (_runs through the stalls to try and catch the Capuchin, who is zipping under stalls and over the heads of other Guards_)]

[Capuchin: (_screeches as he leaps onto the Ape's shoulders. As the Ape turns to see Guard #1, the Capuchin grins evilly_)]

[Guard #1: FUUUUC- (_gets pulverized_)]

[Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your

knees, knees

In the jungle

Welcome to the jungle

Watch it bring you to your

It' gonna bring you down-HA! (_watches as lit lamp oil catches a large pot of flammable liquid and causes an explosion which levels a large section of wall_)]_  
_

[Silver: Holy shit! These monkeys are tearing the Guards apart !]

[Never underestimate the little guy. Let's get in there and save Eli. (_all plow through other Guards until they breach the dungeons_)]

[Cicero: Guards may be hiding in here somewhere.]

[I don't think so. They're probably out getting killed by the monkeys. ]

[Silver: So, how will we know when we find him?]

[We'll be able to hear him swearing. It's that simple. ]

[Silver: How do you know he isn't already dead?]

[Because he's Eli Irad.]

[Silver: That doesn't make any- (_hears something and looks at the wall_) Look out! (_pushes Thatcher out of the way as the wall explodes_)]

[Link: Aaaaaagh! (_flies into the opposite wall and gets pinned by rubble_)]

[Eli: How'd you like that, huh?! Next time I'll completely destroy your ass! Supermew, get me out of this restraint. ]

[Supermew: Okay, but it would help if you asked politely. ]

[Eli: He's going to get back up! Hurry!]

[It's okay, Eli. He ain't getting up for awhile. ]

[Eli: Brother? Brother, is that you?]

[Yeah, and I'm here with Thatcher and Cicero. We're here to rescue you, but it looks like you two have that handled.]

[Eli: (_turns the corner along with Supermew_) Well, we were kind of worried about all the other soldiers, but then since- who's this guy?]

[He's Silver. I'll explain later. We should go. Nice to see ya, Supermew. ]

[Supermew: Thanks.]

[Link: Gannondorf! I summon you.]

[Uh oh. Come on! We gotta get the monkeys out of here. They won't stand a chance against Gannondorf. (_all run out to see the destruction in the outer city_)]

[Monkeys: (_climbing buildings now and stealing the Hyrule flags_) Hey, you two!]

[Ape and Capuchin: (_turn around to face him_)]

[We need to get everyone out of here now. Spread the word for a retreat. We win.]

[Ape: (_roars ferociously for all monkeys to hear_)]

[Monkeys: (_all get the message and retreat in several directions, as directed_)]

[(_after everyone puts distance between them and Camp_ _Blood_) Yay! Back together. Go us!]

[Supermew: Yay!]

[Eli: Cicero, get that dirty knife cleaned! Damn, it stinks!]

[Cicero: Cicero has been using this knife very much.]

[Right. Okay, so, Silver, this is Eli Irad. Eli, this is Silver. He's one of Rubyjanet's. ]

[Eli: What?]

[Supermew: He was created by Rubyjanet?]

[Eli: How do you know we can trust this guy?]

[That is a good question. Silver?]

[Silver: Why are you making me tell him? You know the whole story.]

[Just tell us why you were locked up.]

[Silver: Fine, fine. I used to be her Ruby-ness' boyfriend, until she caught me cheating on her.]

[Thatcher: Well, why did you do that?]

[Silver: She did it all the time! I figured it was okay.]

[Rubyjanet is a hypocrite.]

[Silver: Hey, don't say that.]

[Eli: Why? She left you to rot.]

[Silver: I don't want to talk about it. ]

[Okay, so, instead, maybe we can do the next chapter of the Commentary. Silver, want to join us?]

[Silver: No. I feel disoriented. ]

[Thatcher: I'll help you out.]

[Eli: (_waits until they are gone_) I don't like that guy.]

[I don't think you really like anyone.]

[Cicero: Cicero doesn't like him either.]

[Eli: Hey, shut up.]

[Supermew: These guys ever get along?]

[Not yet. Anyway, let's get started. First off, the grade for the last chapter.]

[Supermew: May I start it off?]

[Sure, go ahead.]

[Supermew: Thank you. So, there was a total of four hundred and ninety words last chapter, one hundred and thirty-five, or twenty-seven point five five one percent of which was misspelled.]

[Eli: Damn it. I forgot how much I hate this.]

[Supermew: Yeah, anyway, there were one hundred and four grammar errors, five violations of the FanFiction Code of Conduct, a positive count in Failed Character Development, and five factual missteps. ]

[Yep. And that means her overall chapter grade is exactly twenty-five percent, bringing the overall story grade down to thirty-three point two nine nine percent.]

[Eli: I feel like I want to punch someone, probably Cicero, because of how bad this is. Two thirds of the story is bad.]

[Two thirds so far.]

[Eli: Damn it.]

[Anyway, as for comparisons with My Immortal, Description of Clothes totals about four point zero eight percent.]

[Cicero: Is that it?]

[Eli: Well, that isn't so bad.]

[No, it's actually acceptable. Anyway, there were fourteen sentences with terrible adverbs, and negative counts across the board in Rock Concerts and necessary shopping and planning, comparisons with Rockstars, sex and rape and incredibly long or long ellipses. ]

[Supermew: Good for Rubyjanet, then.]

[Yeah, and zero gasps, leaving the total at twelve. However, there was a positive count in Textspeak. ]

[Eli: Alright, now for the last section. Demands that the reviewers "stop flaming".]

[That section has a negative count.]

[Eli: What?! Are you joking?]

[Cicero: Oh, hahahaha! Oh, master is kidding. Right?]

[Nope. I'm not kidding. ]

[Eli: Well, how about that.]

[Supermew: That's because she focused on dumping her boyfriend Mark.]

[Eli: In the story?]

[Supermew: Yes.]

[Eli: Well, why the hell didn't she just do it in real life?]

[Who knows? Anyway, let's get going on Chapter twelve.]

**Chabfpa 12**

[Eli: Oh, hell.]

**FUK OF FLAMERS I HAD TO WRITE DIS QUICKERLY.**

[Supermew: Why did she have to write quickly?]

[I don't know. Maybe because she's doing this for school and she has to do it in an hour, hour and a half, two hours, or something. But it doesn't excuse her, because noone says that she has to publish it immediately. ]

[Eli: You do yours immediately. ]

[Well, that's because this is live.]

[Eli: Oh.]

**UR ALL JUST FUKKING JEALOUS COZ EVER1 LOVES ME AN HATES U STUPIDHEADS!**

[Eli: No, everyone doesn't love you, lots of people hate you, stupid bitch.]

[Avoiding saying the word everyone, huh? That's nice of you.]

[Eli: Hey, shut the hell up. I'm not in a good mood right now. If it comes to reading this crap or rotting in that dungeon, I almost wish I was in the dungeon]

**i HAVE OVA 70 REWIEVS NOW SO FUK ALL DIE BICHES!1**

[Supermew: Looks like someone messed up with their caps.]

[Eli: You have seventy reviews telling you that you need to fix this, dumbass! Do you ever read them? Ever? I mean, don't you get these in an email?]

[Hey, you know more about the website than I told you. I'm impressed.]

[Eli: Supermew told me about it. There was nothing else to talk about in that dungeon. Why didn't you come rescue me- er, us earlier?]

[Cicero: He rescued us in the order of usefulness, starting with Cicero. ]

[Eli: Shut your damn trap!]

[Besides, that isn't true. You're all just as useful as each other. I rescued the ones I could reach first.]

[Eli: That makes sense. So shut up, you pathetic little hound, before I cut off your jaw.]

[Cicero: Cicero will cut off your head.]

[Enough! I swear...]

**MINIPEOPLE U ARE THE STUPIDIST FUKKER EVA!111111111111**

[Cicero: No, Minipeople isn't! Cicero liked Minipeople. ]

[Supermew: Yeah, Minipeople is nice.]

[Yeah, I remember that Minipeople used Pokemon powers against Pikachew.]

[Supermew: Why is it spelled like that, anyway?]

[Well, you know, Rubyjanet and spelling...]

[Eli: So, who's Minipeople?]

**i FOVGIVE U 4 BEN MEAN ACESWILD13 COZ I NO U R JUST SOOO IN LOV WITH ME.**

[Eli: I seriously hope that she is being sarcastic. For once in her damn life, I hope that she isn't being hopelessly self absorbed. ]

[Supermew: No, she's being serious.]

[Eli: (_spasms in agitation_)]

**BUT UR JUST JEALOUS IM 2 GUD 4 U!**

[Eli: AAAAGGH! I hate you!]

[Woah, you need to calm down.]

[Eli: Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. ]

**JUST ADMIT THE RASIN U HAV BEEN MEAN IS COZ U R IN LOV WITH ME AND THAT IM A BETA SWRITER THAN U!**

[Cicero: Or, he could be acting that way because he hates you.]

[Eli: Wow, what a groundbreaking discovery!]

**i WILL KILL ALL FLAMERS**

[(_all laugh_) You won't do anything, you silly little doughnut. ]

[Supermew: Little what?! (_laughs hard_)]

[Eli: There are rules against killing other FanFiction users, so the best you can do is slaughter them in your damn story. Does that solve the problem?]

[It has actually made the "flamers" try harder.]

**U DONT NO TRU TALENT WHEN U SEE IT!**

[True talent? You wouldn't be talking about yourself, would you? Because that would be ridiculous. ]

[Eli: I would rather read a story written by the ass of a brain dead centipede than you, bitch.]

**TELL ME WERE U LIV SO I CAN KILL U AND RITE U BAD REVITES!**

[Okay, for the tenth time, I live in Fort Sam Houston Trailor park, site number 43, San Antonio, Texas, USA. Now what are you going to do about it?]

[Supermew: Obviously, write you bad reviews. ]

[Oh, she already did that. She had Freddy Krueger turn it into a code for her.]

[Supermew: That's weird. How is she smart enough to try and do it with a code?]

[I don't know. Probably what happened was she told Freddy that she didn't want me to be able to read it.]

[Eli: Then she should have just written it in her normal way. Nobody knows how to read that.]

[Yeah, hahaha!]

**COWARDS USE UR REAL NEMES!**

[Yeah, no thanks. Having no name robs your opponent of a weapon.]

[Supermew: But you have to have a real name.]

[I do have a real name.]

[Eli: Okay, then what is it?]

[Fabian Sindri Diederich. ]

[Eli: That... was a quick answer. I'm not sure I believe you, though.]

[Internet Privacy policy, man.]

**OMG KATIE UR STORY IS ANIMAZING **

[No, it isn't. I have read Katie's story, and the only difference it has from this monster of a warped monologue is that Katie spells things mostly correct. ]

[Supermew: I've read it too. She uses such big words.]

[Yeah, incorrectly. I even remember a time where she completely made up a word. Something with eleven syllables. ]

[Eli: The hell, man?]

**BUT GARY IS MINE**

[Supermew: No, actually, Gary is the copywritten property of Satoshi Tajiri. You are making it up that you own him. You're obssessed. ]

[Little doughnut. ]

[Supermew: Ha ha ha!]

**AND STAY AWAY FROM MA BF JUSTIN I NO U LIKE HIM SO FUCK OFF!**

[Eli: Is this a chick fight?]

[You know, something very much like this happened in My Immortal. ]

[Eli: Does it?]

[Supermew: How?]

[The author of My Immortal apparently had some kind of chick fight with her friend Raven about some sweater. It made them bitter enemies for a while, and it culminated in Raven completely roasting My Immortal. ]

[Cicero: Was there blood?]

[Might as well have been.]

**ZAKAR CRAWL INTO A HOLE AND DIE BUSTARD!**

[Eli: You crawl in a hole and die, bitch!]

[Eli.]

[Eli: Grrrrrgh.]

**I AM SOO FUKKING ANGRY RITE NOW DONT U DARE FLAME ME!**

[We're terrified. ]

[Eli: Yeah, what are you gonna do, huh? Bring it on, bitch.]

**I bust into tires**

[(_all laugh_) Tires?! Like with a car or a bicycle?]

**Ash stsed to conform me sexily.**

[Terrible adverb.]

[Eli: Yeah, and what's this verb supposed to be?]

[Sat.]

[Supermew: Why Ash? Why does she have to bring Ash into this?]

[Same reason she brought Gary into it.]

**( I was k with it coz i knew him growing up an he wos ma best firnd execpt for katie i love u gurl k)**

[Supermew: Everyone knows that Ash cares more for Pokemon, Ruby. You even said so in one of your previous chapters.]

[Yeah, she did. What's with the inconsistency, you doughnut?]

[Cicero: Cicero doesn't see how that bothers the brat Rubyjanet.]

[Probably because she doesn't understand what I mean when I say it. Probably thinks I'm calling her fat.]

**I dint noticed the sun go away and the day becaome night and it was dark and stars were out and a full moon that looked like a siver round ball in da sky.**

[Okay, so this section is a little long, it has more things wrong with it. That's fine. Let's take it apart bit by bit.]

[Supermew: First of all, isn't this the part where Gary was kidnapoed?]

[Yes it is.]

[Eli: If he was kidnapped, then why is she just sitting there?]

[I don't know. ]

[Eli: It sounds like she has been there for hours! Gary's dead. She wasted so much time crying her eyes out that she left him for dead.]

[Let's not get our hopes up just yet on that.]

[Cicero: There is a lot of unnecessary details here that Cicero doesn't like. It makes Cicero feel like a little child.]

[Yeah, I know, right? Like the part where it says that the sun went away and it became night. I mean, duh.]

[Eli: It's even worse than that, because she also says that it was dark. A dark night. Is there any other kind?]

[Well, yes, but they're hard to come by.]

[Eli: Oh, well then I'm still right because she only needs to elaborate when it's not a dark night.]

[Yes, exactly. Which is also why she needn't mention the stars.]

[Thatcher: Well, to be fair, you can't see stars very well when you're close to a big city.]

[Aren't you supposed to be tending to Silver?]

[Thatcher: I put him to sleep. He's actually considering suicide after killing us.]

[Eli: Why? I thought you saved his life.]

[He is Rubyjanet's creation. Hey, nice hat, Thatcher.]

[Thatcher: (_touches a silver Tammany Derby hat on her head_) Thanks.]

[Where did you get it?[

[Thatcher: Silver gave it to me. He had it in his pocket.]

[Eli: He had a hat in his pocket? And he only just said anything about it?]

[Thatcher: Um...]

[He's Rubyjanet's creation. ]

[Thatcher: Anyway, I am able to help out here, so where are we?]

[Here.]

[Thatcher: (_reads the section_) Oh. Okay, um... So, we're on the part about the stars?]

[Supermew: Yeah.]

[Thatcher: Well, like I said, you can't see stars near a big city.]

[Well, that raises another question, then. Last chapter left her on an island resort where everything was as industrial as it can get. If you can't see stars in a place like that, then how can she see them now? Are they somewhere else? How did they get off the island? And if they went through all that trouble-]

[Eli: Why the hell haven't they bothered to go and save Gary in that time?]

[Thatcher: Well... Yeah, that's a bit of a consistency error.]

[Eli: You think?]

[Okay, so to wrap this section up, there is a fluency error, or whatever it's called. The words don't flow well. If she divided it up into a separate sentence, it would have been better.]

[Supermew: That still wouldn't make it perfect, though.]

[Yeah, you're right. It's a run-on sentence. It needs more words to make sense and to complete the thought.]

**I was sacred in case sum1 might b ou dere.**

[Eli: Fake.]

[Indeed.]

**i cryed and Crryed until tears ran down my feces like in the movie**

[What movie?]

[Supermew: Probably a Pokemon movie.]

[Pokemon movies show feces? What are they rated?!]

[Thatcher: The sarcastic remarks are a staple of this commentary, I see.]

[Eli: You've been here almost as long as I have and you're just now noticing?]

[Thatcher: I'm trying to make a point.]

[You want me to stop?]

[Thatcher: Well, yeah.]

[Sorry, but that would require me to stop talking, and I can't really do that at the moment. ]

[Thatcher: Well then, we should have a talk about this later.]

[Whatever.]

**Then i decided i had to save him at any cost **

[Eli: It took you that long to figure it out?! What?!]

[Cicero: Cicero thought that she loved him.]

[Thatcher: Well, she did come to that conclusion. ]

[Eli: Yeah, after hours and hours of being a complete dumbass!]

[Supermew: How do they not get along?]

[They have a little more personality than I meant to give them.]

[Eli: Shut up, man. You have no personality. ]

[Oh yeah, that's why I'm so sarcastic and creative, right? I mean, I only created you.]

**so i went to where gray was.**

[Cicero: How did she know where to find him?]

[In the last chapter, she got a note with a map. It said to go to a certain point.]

[Eli: Then why didn't she just mention it again now?]

[Because she's assuming that you have read all her previous chapters. Which, to her credit, is not a big mistake to make. It's actually a reasonable assumption compared to the rest of Rubylogic.]

**I got there.**

[Eli: I'm shocked! She got there?]

[Supermew: Yes, how surprising. She can read a map.]

[I have some trouble reading maps.]

**The ugly fukker pedofile Broke was dere so was team rockzit. **

[Hey, Supermew. Isn't Brock one of the good guys?]

[Supermew: Yeah, he is.]

[Then why did he join Team Rockzit?]

[Supermew: Who knows?]

**They laffed at me."WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHVGAHAHAHAV DHDJJAA!**

[(_all laugh_)]

[Eli: Wha-what- Ho, man! What the hell was that?!]

[That, my friends, is an evil laugh.]

[Cicero: AH-HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!]

[Thatcher: Yeah, I'll admit it. That is kind of silly.]

**I put up my middle finger a nd pulled out my gun witch was a red one with two bullets in it and i KILLLED ALL THE MOTHERFUKKERS!**

[Supermew: Wait, just like that? Without any push back?]

[Eli: How did you kill so many people with only two damn bullets? That isn't plausible. You need at least one bullet to kill each person, assuming that you don't miss.]

[Besides, this is Pokemon. If you're going to kill them, at least do it like a fighter and use your Charizard.]

**Minipeople ran out all redarded and stupid. **

[Oh look, there's Minipeople again]

[Eli: She really hates this Minipeople, huh?]

[As much as she hates me.]

**She begged me to tech him how to write but i just laffed and KILLED HER!**

[Supermew: So, which is it? Is Minipeople a girl or a guy? Make up your mind.]

[Dumb doughnut. ]

[Supermew: Yeah, right?]

[Eli: Besides, I doubt that you would be able to teach anyone anything except how to drain your own intelligence. ]

**(AN YOU GAVE ME A FAKE NJUMBER U COWARD!)**

[I wonder why.]

**BRook runned up to me and shooted at me**

[Supermew: Why such emphasis on guns?]

[She's looking for the easy way out. Coward.]

[Cicero: Cicero hates cowards. ]

**NOOO we NEVA SHOULD HAVE TRIED TO STOP U RUBY! U R TOO GUD IN EVERYway!**

[Thatcher: I don't think someone bent on killing you would say that. ]

[This proves that Ruby is a Mary Sue. There is no doubt whatsoever anymore. ]

[Supermew: Besides, Brock has a rock solid will. He wouldn't admit defeat even when he is outmatched in every way.]

[Really?]

[Supermew: Yeah, really. ]

[That's very interesting. Because Rubyjanet's version, Brook, was indecisive and fainted when I broke out of Camp Ash with Cicero and Minipeople. ]

[Eli: What the hell?]

**HE SHOT out a ugly rock pokemon that runned away coz it knew i colfd kill it!**

[Supermew: A rock type would not be running away from you, because they are powerful. In fact, it might be able to beat Pikafire.]

[Maybe. And by the way, she didn't say what Rock Pokemon it was. It would have been nice to know that detail. ]

**GRunt came and battled me but i bet him easy.**

[Cicero:But Cicero wants to know more about the battle! Cicero wants the details!]

[Eli: We all do. Stop being stupid, bitch! Give us the battle!]

[Also, Grunt is not really a proper noun most of the time. Perhaps if you wrote "a grunt" instead.]

**I laffed sarcastikally.**

[Yeah, maybe that wasn't the word you wanted to use.]

[Eli: This bitch is insane.]

[Wasn't it obvious?]

**BUT THEN HE TURNED INTO A BOOB!**

[Thatcher: A what?]

[Supermew: Uhhh...]

[(_looks away, ashamed of what he just read_)]

[Eli: Okay, um, no?]

[Cicero: Disgusting. ]

**I gasped**

[A gasp! A gasp, she gasped! Plus one.]

**IT WAS A big BOOM made frum TONS of explosives and it had a timer in red letters that said 0.15mins!**

[Eli: Wait, she was talking about a bomb the whole time.]

[Yeah, she was talking about a bomb.]

[Cicero: Cicero doesn't understand. What is a bomb?]

[A bomb is a device that people use to blow stuff up.]

[Cicero: Is it sorcery?]

[Not really. I'll show you some bombs later. They kill lots of people at once, so you'll probably like them.]

[Cicero: Oh, yes, yes!]

**We runned outside just as the bomb went off. it was sooo loud.**

[Yeah, I don't think that there are any quiet bombs yet. But they do have a heat wave with them. Describe the heat. I know about that because I have been to a demonstration of the F-22 Raptor a few years back.]

[Cicero: Did it have bombs?]

[Eli: He said that he knew about the heat because of the demonstration. That means they did have bombs, dumbass. ]

[Eli. Yes, Cicero, they had special bombs called missiles.]

**At furst i was happy coz i was alive.**

[Understandable. Selfish, bit understandable.]

[Supermew: You like that?]

[Well, yes. It makes her a bit more human. I'd say that this might constitute a negative in failed Character Development. ]

[Thatcher: I'm proud of you, Brother.]

[For what? Being fair?]

[Thatcher: Yes.]

[Well, not so fast. I said it might count as a negative. See, there's also the crying part at the beginning of the chapter that I have to consider. But for once, this is a tough choice.]

**Then I remembered that Gary had been inside.**

[Eli: Oh. Damn.]

[But was he inside? She didn't say if she saw him.]

[Eli: Oh, I get it. It's psychological torment. That's a good move.]

[Thatcher: But then where is Gary, if not in the house?]

[Who knows.]

**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed sexily.**

[Supermew: That is the most boring, overused and misused adverb ever.]

[How many "O's" are in there?]

[Thatcher: About twenty-five. ]

[Oh, man. I was looking for a multiple of eleven.]

[Cicero: Why, master?]

[Just something I noticed at the earlier chapters. Never mind.]

**Gary was dead. I couldn't fukking believe it. I had only just marred him.**

[Supermew: Hey, this is actually not half bad. It's heartfelt compared to the rest of this chapter.]

[Yeah, you're right. ]

[Eli: Well, her husband died. That sucks.]

[Kinda, yeah.]

**I missed him I loved him (An we are writn tragity in school rite now)**

[Eli: We being who?]

[Her and her friends, probably.]

[Supermew: We already know how to write tragedy.]

[She doesn't, I guess. That's why the shout out is there.]

**Three days later...**

**I was stilll really sad but it was time to move on.**

[Eli: For real? Only three days?]

[I thought she loved Gary.]

[Thatcher: Maybe that's why she's moving on. She knows it's what Gary would have wanted.]

[That isn't in character. Ruby isn't very considerate toward others. Besides, the human reaction would be to brood over it for weeks, if not years before moving on, if they do.]

[Eli: True, that.]

**Then I got a litter in da mail.**

**Dear Ruby, you are a window now and need to come to the pokemon league. We will tell u why when you get dere.**

[Thatcher: How inconsiderate!]

[It was probably written by a blunt business person.]

[Supermew: Besides, everyone knows that a person who used to be married is called a widow.]

**I was so sad as I walked to da pokemon league. I coldnt belive he was gone.**

[But I thought that she has already gotten over him.]

[Thatcher: Just because she got over the initial shock of his death doesn't mean that she has accepted it.]

[Whatever.]

**An dis chapa was so sad it made it cry so im not mad ne more.**

[Eli: Really? It made you cry? It wasn't that sad.]

[It's more emotional in conception. ]

[Supermew: Isn't that the truth. ]

[But still, there are lots of chapters left. How does she intend to keep going through?]

[Cicero: Maybe by killing the reviewers. ]

[Eli: Cicero, that... makes perfect sense, actually.]

**Anyway let me know how muck you lik it.**

[Eli, let her have it.]

[Eli: Well, it wasn't terrible, exactly. It was better than usual. A little bit. But it was still very bad.]

[Cicero?]

[Cicero: Cicero liked the bombs. Yes, Cicero liked the bombs very much. But not much else.]

[Thatcher, what are your thoughts?]

[Thatcher: It seems like she is making some improvement in concept and story, but she still has a way to go.]

[Glad to see that you're not biased. What about you, Supermew? What do you think?]

[Supermew: I agree with the others. This chapter was not the best, but it was better than some of the other chapters in this story.]

[Universally agreed. Now, let's focus on our friend Silver. What did you say was wrong with him, Thatcher?]

[Thatcher: Well, he has admitted that he is feeling both homicidal and suicidal. I think he is suffering from Rubylogic and wants to kill us for flaming the story and himself for cheating on Rubyjanet.]

[Okay, so then we have to break him out of that stupor. But first, we need to get out of here because if Gannondorf is coming after us, he'll slow us down and draw attention to us.]


	15. Chapter 12 and a half

[Gannondorf: You say that you have no idea where they went?]

[Link: I fucking told you, I was pinned under a pile of fucking rubble. I never saw where any of them went.]

[Gannondorf: Calm yourself. This is a crisis and you must keep a clear head about you.]

[Link: Fine. So what are you going to do?]

[Gannondorf: It would be useless to pursue those animals. They are of no real value. Perhaps if I were to have some assistance. I need to speak with her Ruby-ness. I need the Beast.]

[(_meanwhile, somewhere in the jungle_) Is Silver still out?]

[Eli: Yeah, still like a stone.]

[Supermew: He's been out for five hours. What did you do to him, Thatcher?]

[Thatcher: I stunned him. That's it.]

[Eli: Really? Are you sure?]

[Thatcher: Positive. He shouldn't still be out. The spell only lasts an hour or two.]

[Okay, everyone stop. Noone moves forward until we get this sucker conscious again. Do you know of anything that can help, Thatcher?]

[Thatcher: I already tried to revive him with the counter curse, and it didn't work.]

[Cicero: Is he dead?]

[Eli: Cicero, all you think about-]

[No, for real, check his vitals.]

[Eli: (_puts Silver down beside a tree and checks his pulse and listens for his breathing_) He's breathing, but he doesn't have a pulse.]

[Supermew: Probably because he's a Vampire, he's undead.]

[Well, if he's undead and has no heartbeat, how do they die when you stab them with a wooden stake to the heart?]

[Supermew: Good question.]

[Eli: Yeah, a great question. But before we answer that, let's focus on reviving Silver.]

[Okay, so, is he responsive to our voices?]

[Eli: What? He's unconscious! How would he be responsive to us?]

[Well, sometimes when people are asleep or unconscious, they are slightly responsive to familiar sounds and smells.]

[Eli: Really?]

[Yeah. Silver, can you hear me?]

[Silver: (_does absolutely nothing_)]

[Okay, that didn't work.]

[Cicero: Why not just use your magic powers, master?]

[Supermew: That's an excellent point. Stand back, I've got this handled.]

[Twilit Eclipse: That won't work, I'm afraid.]

[Well, well. Twilit Eclipse. What brings you here?]

[Twilit Eclipse: I'm here to help you deal with the story. Now, I happen to know what is wrong with Silver.]

[Supermew: Okay, what's the problem?]

[And why won't Author's Abilities work?]

[Twilit Eclipse: Because he is suffering from a poisoning from Rubyjanet's story. To try and fight it is to try and derive reason from the Rubylogic.]

[Do you know the cause?]

[Twilit Eclipse: Yes. He has rubbed this on his temples. (_holds up a blood red plant with three oval leaves_) It's like poison ivy, but it's deadly to Vampires if left untreated for an entire day.]

[Thatcher: But that's what Silver said would make him feel better.]

[Thatcher.]

[Thatcher: I'm sorry. I didn't think that he'd lie like that.]

[Eli: And yet you knew he was suicidal?!]

[It doesn't matter right now. How do we remedy it, Eclipse?]

[Twilit Eclipse: We simply rub it on his head a second time.]

[Are you sure?]

[Twilit Eclipse: Been testing it out for hours. I'm sure.]

[Eli: Don't feel rushed. He won't die for another nineteen hours, right?]

[Twilit Eclipse: Seven hours. And no, he won't be dead, but after the sixth hour, the victim loses some cognitive and motor skills.]

[Eli: Oh.]

[Let's do it ]

[Twilit Eclipse: (_rubs the plant over Silver's temples_)]

[Silver: (_gasps and splutters to consciousness_)]

[Welcome back to reality, Silver. Or what passes for reality around here, anyway. Nice try, by the way.]

[Silver: Why didn't you just let me die?]

[Because we need you. You have information that we want.]

[Silver: About her Ruby-ness, right?]

[Yeah.]

[Silver: Well, you can forget about it.]

[(_stares at Silver for a moment_) Eclipse, Supermew, watch him, please. Don't let him try killing himself again. Eli, Thatcher, Cicero, come with me.]

[Eli: (_after they are far enough away_) Looks like bringing him along was a mistake. We should get rid of him.]

[Cicero: Cicero will do it. Cicero will do it nice and quick.]

[Eli: Shut up. But he's right. He's dangerous.]

[Thatcher: What are you two insane? We can't just kill him. It's not right.]

[Cicero: Cicero has been murdering people his whole life. It never bothered Cicero.]

[Eli: He might get us compromised to try and get back in with Rubyjanet. He still cares about her, even after everything she did to him. Or haven't you noticed how often he loyally calls her "her Ruby-ness"?]

[Thatcher: But we still can't just kill him. He does have information that we want. Like how to calm Rubyjanet down and how to reason with her.]

[Eli: Reason with her?!]

[Cicero: Impossible! Inconceivable! She is too violent to be reasoned with.]

[Eli: You just don't want to kill Silver because he gave you that stupid hat.]

[Thatcher: Excuse me?! This is an expensive hat.]

[Break it up! If you three would fight Rubyjanet's thugs as much as you fight each other, we'd probably have won by now. Now, I agree with Thatcher. We can't kill him, because he knows how Rubyjanet thinks. One way or the other, we need that. But he is hiding it. Tell you what, guys. I will interrogation him myself, and if he betrays us, then you two may kill him, Eli and Cicero. But together. Understand?]

[Cicero: Yes, master. Cicero understands.]

[Eli: Whatever, man. Just don't say we didn't warn you.]

[I'm fully aware of what is going on here. I'm an author. So, Thatcher? Is this course of action acceptable to you?]

[Thatcher: Fine.]

[Good. Now let's go back over there. You all tell Supermew and Eclipse about yourselves while I talk to Silver.]

[Twilit Eclipse: Well, what have you decided?]

[You and Supermew talk to Cicero, Eli and Thatcher for a little while. I want to speak with Silver alone.]

[Supermew: Alright, then.]

[Twilit Eclipse: So, what can you tell me about the Clone wars, Eli?]

[So Silver, about Rubyjanet.]

[Silver: I'm not going to betray her for you flamers.]

[Why not? She betrayed you.]

[No, it was that motherfucker Jacob Black who locked me up.]

[Yeah, but who do you think told him to target you specifically?]

[Silver: Shut up!]

[Why all the sudden aggression?]

[Silver: You're a flamer. All of you morons are too stupid to appreciate her Ruby-ness's pure talent and power.]

[Pure talent and power?]

[Silver: Yeah, she is so powerful, so perfect in every way, that she has entire armies of people ready to fight for her.]

[I have an entire Galaxy ready to fight for me. Hundreds of planets are hanging in space in my stories, waiting for me to give them commands. I can defeat "her Ruby-ness" in a full force conflict if I wanted to.]

[Silver:Oh yeah? If that's true, then why haven't you done it already?]

[Because this is a very different war that Rubyjanet and I are fighting. This isn't about armies. This isn't about characters. This isn't about stories. It's about will power.]

[Silver: And you're going to lose.]

[Don't be so sure.]

[Silver: I'm sure. You can't carry on without this information I have. And there is no way I am giving it to you.]

[You're hiding something else. What is it?]

[Silver: You know what? Fuck you.]

[Is that supposed to end this conversation? You're not going to get out of this one, Silver. You think someone's coming to save you, don't you?]

[Silver: Once Gannondorf kills you, he will take me to her Ruby-ness to be redeemed.]

[Redeemed? You won't be redeemed, you'll be slaughtered.]

[Silver: No, I won't, because as her Ruby-ness' true love-]

[You are NOT her true love! She doesn't want you to be redeemed, she doesn't want you back. She wants you to die a horrible death! She set her old Dog after you, threw you both in Camp Italy, and abandoned you! Why can't you see that?]

[Silver: Because it's a lie!]

[No, it's because of Rubylogic. (_grabs Silver's_ _hand_)]

[Silver: Hey! Fucking let go!]

[How could I have been so dumb? (_orange energy begins to whirl around them_) I should have known from the very beginning. You have no idea that it was Rubyjanet who did these things to you, do you? You still worship her! That shouldn't surprise me. The universe always did revolve around her and her abnormal ego. That's the way it works for Mary Sues. Everyone always thinks that they love her! Well guess what, Silver! You do not love her. She does not love you. She has moved on and left you behind!]

[Silver: NOOO! (_pushes away from Dark Brother 16, grabbing his head_)]

[You know it's true, Silver.]

[Silver: No.]

[You were always just a filler, a pass time.]

[Silver: No.]

[I'm surprised she hasn't tried to mount you on her mantelpiece yet. Just one of many boy toys.]

[Silver: Shut the fuck up.]

[Why are you still resisting? I freed you from Rubylogic, you shouldn't still be like this.]

[Silver: It's because I really do love her.]

[Silver, she does not love you. Fine. If you will not give me what I want, then I will just find someone else who knows.]

[Silver: Yeah? And who would that be?]

[Everyone! Change of plans. Silver is unwilling to cooperate. So, we are going to pay a little visit to Professor Oak.]

[Supermew: (_gasp_) Seriously?]

[Oh yeah. Eli, Cicero, tie Silver up and bring him with us. He's nothing more than a bargaining chip now.]


	16. Chapter 13

[Rubyjanet: Why don't you just fucking go and find them youself?!]

[Gannondorf: Because, your Ruby-ness, it would be very easy for me to find them myself, but I wouldn't be able to beat them all alone. I wouldn't dream to presume that I know what you desire, but it would be useless finding the flamers if I cannot kill them.]

[Rubyjanet: Ya, true. Fine, you can use the Beast. But not its Spawn. I needs the Spawn for policing the Deathcamps.]

[Gannondorf: Of course, your Ruby-ness.]

[Freddy: You're going to need something to distract the authors. I know just what will work.]

[Rubyjanet: Alright, Freddy, you'll do...]

[Freddy: Do... what I'm about to do?]

[Rubyjanet: Yeah.]

[Gary: My love? Who are you talking to? (_emerges from the bedroom without any clothes_)]

[Rubyjanet: Gary, get back in the fucking bedroom! Someone is here!]

[Gannondorf: Not any longer, your Ruby-ness. I shall leave at once.]

[(_meanwhile, in Professor Oak's laboratory_) Hello, once again, ladies and gentlemen, fans and nerds! Wow, it feels good to be saying that again. It's been a while. I'm here with, well, several people, actually. Right now, it's my turn to watch Silver, so I'm here with him, for starters. Say hello, Silver.]

[Silver: (_speech is muffled because he is tied up and gagged_)]

[So, I am also here with Susan Forrester. You might remember her from Chapter three of The Gratest pokemon master, or you may not. We were just talking about that.]

[Forrester: Yes. My only purpose was to be brought here and flipped out. Then I was forgotten about. Unlike the other creations here in this world, I have no love for Rubyjanet.]

[Understandably so. She even made you, er, fat.]

[Forrester: Yeah.]

[So, other people here with us at Professor Oak's Lab are my OC's, Eli Irad and Elizabeth Thatcher, and Cicero, who isn't necessarily an OC, but is from one of my stories anyway. We also have fellow authors Twilit Eclipse, Supermew and Deceivingly Cute. Deceivingly Cute was here with the Professor for a while, it seems. Unfortunately, none of them are here right now. Forrester, care to explain?]

[Forrester: Okay, so, a few days before you got here, Professor Oak found something in the jungle. He never said what it was until hours before you and your crowd showed up.]

[What did he find?]

[Forrester: Some kind of raccoon. He said it was animal-poly-something.]

[Anthropomorphic?]

[Forrester: Right, right. He found one of those raccoons out back in the jungle. He said it was hurt badly, and that it was trapped under an entire tree.]

[A tree grew over it?]

[Forrester: He said that it had been there a while.]

[How does Professor Oak know that it isn't dead?]

[Forrester: Because he knows who it really is.]

[And who is it?]

[Forrester: It's Sly Cooper.]

[Katie's toy.]

[Forrester: Yes. I don't know what he's doing here, though.]

[I do. Katie copied Rubyjanet's story and made her own version of it. They technically share this world.]

[Forrester: I couldn't figure that out.]

[Don't let it bother you. For those of you who don't know, due to the unfortunate effects of Rubylogic, Susan Forrester is not able to be very smart. It isn't her fault, of course, and she does seem to have adapted very well, considering that.]

[Forrester: Thanks, Brother.]

[Silver: (_garbles incoherently_)]

[What? You're not making any sense. Oh, hang on. (_un gags him_)]

[Silver: I said if you don't let me out of here, I will break these bonds, bite your fucking neck, and then-]

[Aw, shuddup. (_puts the gag back on_) Anyway, the others should be back soon, and when they are, we can get going with the next chapter in the commentary... So... What's your favorite Pokemon?]

[Forrester: I like Poliwirl. What about you?]

[Weavile.]

[Forrester: Oh, Weavile? That's a good-]

[Professor Oak: Everyone clear a space! (_wheels in a gurney with a scruffy and unconscious Sly Cooper laying on it_)]

[Eli: Where are those damn morphine syringes?!]

[Thatcher: Over here. (_tosses him a syringe_)]

[Eli: (_stabs Sly with the syringe_)]

[What good is morphine going to do him when he's unconscious?]

[Professor Oak: Eclipse, you're in the way! Go help Brother.]

[But I haven't started yet. Oh, never mind. So Eclipse, I have been meaning to ask you something.]

[Twilit Eclipse: Go ahead.]

[How did you manage to learn the plants and stuff of this place? How long have you been here?]

[Twilit Eclipse: Months. I forget just how many.]

[Forrester: Okay, so how did you test the plants' effects?]

[Twilit Eclipse: First, I tested them on myself.]

[On yourself?]

[Twilit Eclipse: Yeah, but all the harmful ones had no effect because of the rules.]

[Eli: Get out of the way, Cicero!]

[Cicero: (_rushes to avoid him, but knocks over a tray of instruments in the process_)]

[Eli: Damn it! You son of a bitch!]

[Hey! Eli, Thatcher, Cicero! Front and center!]

[Thatcher: What is it? He's starting to bleed out. ]

[Eclipse and I will help them out over there. You three help Forrester with the Commentary.]

[Thatcher: Okay, if you're sure.]

[I'm sure. Sly looks like he needs the Author's touch here.]

[Professor Oak: If you two are going to help us, then get over here and help. Sly is getting worse.]

[(_Dark Brother 16 and Twilit Eclipse go over to the gurney to help Sly_) Okay, let's start by patching him up. We need to stop this bleeding.]

[Thatcher: I hope they'll be able to save him. He looks really bad.]

[Eli: That's because he's a furry animal. But you're right, he is very beat up.]

[Cicero: Cicero doesn't think he will live.]

[Eli: Well, it's up to the writers now. Let's get started. The grade for the last chapter.]

[Thatcher: Out of all six hundred and three words, it looks like one hundred and fourty three were misspelled, making about twenty-three point seven one percent misspelled.]

[Eli: There were one hundred and ten- sorry, one hundred and eighteen grammar errors, three violations of the FanFiction Code of Conduct, and the Failed Character Development section.]

[Thatcher: Oh yeah. Let's see if it made a negative.]

[Eli: Well...uh, I can't read this. It looks like it was scratched out and rewritten several times.]

[Thatcher: It's a positive count.]

[Cicero: What?]

[Thatcher: Yeah, I thought that Brother said that he liked the character development.]

[Eli: Well, it looks like there are some notes here. Let me see. (_reads the notes_) Okay, it looks like there were actually three areas of character development, two of which failed. One of them was the part where Ruby cried for hours instead of saving Gary, and the other was when she got over him in only three days.]

[Thatcher: Oh. That makes sense, even if I don't agree with the decision.]

[Cicero: You would have given her a negative count just because of that one instance?]

[Forrester: Knock it off, you two.]

[Eli: Yeah, anyway, moving on.]

[Alright, Deci, give me some of those needles.]

[Deceivingly Cute: Okay.]

[No, the needles. I need to stitch him up.]

[Professor Oak: Vital signs are still dropping, but more slowly.]

[Thatcher: Sounds like they're making progress.]

[Eli: Alright, so let's make progress over here. It looks like there were seventeen factual missteps.]

[Forrester: Yes, and that brings the overall chapter grade to...]

[Eli, Thatcher, Cicero and Forrester all at once: Zero?!]

[Eli: Son of a bitch!]

[Cicero: Why? How? This is terrible, absolutely an utter disaster.]

[Thatcher: I thought Brother said that he liked the last chapter. Is he lying to us? Is he trying to make her get a failure grade?]

[Eli: Rubyjanet has never had anything but a failing grade since chapter one. But no, look at this. It looks like the majority of the grade lost was from the Factual missteps section.]

[Forrester: That's a lot of weight on that portion.]

[Thatcher: You don't seem to be too surprised by this.]

[Forrester: I am, but I'm also vendicated.]

[Eli: You mean vindicated.]

[Forrester: Yeah, right. I have no love for Rubyjanet whatsoever.]

[Cicero: Cicero doesn't think almost anyone does.]

[Eli: True that. Anyway, moving on to the comparisons with My Immortal.]

[Thatcher: Okay, so, no description of clothes at all. Nine sentences with terrible adverbs, negative counts across the board for Rock concerts and necessary planning and shopping, comparisons with rockstars, sex and rape, and incredibly long ellipses.]

[Forrester: Yes, but there was a gasp, bringing the total up to thirteen.]

[Eli: And there were positive counts in Textspeak and demands that reviewers"stop flaming".]

[Twilit Eclipse: Okay, the stitches are done, stop.]

[Supermew: Good.]

[How is he still bleeding?]

[Professor Oak: Maybe he needs some time to heal up. Let's now focus on analyzing his breathing.]

[Forrester: Oh, I hope Sly will be okay.]

[Eli: He'll be fine. Let's get started with the next chapter.]

[Cicero: Yes, let the descent into madness begin.]

**Chapter 13**

[Eli: She keeps putting down the chapter number. I don't know why she always does that. It drives me as crazy as Cicero.]

[Cicero: Oh, Cicero doubts that.]

[Forrester: I like how you said that with a smile on your face. You know something Cicero? You're kinda cute.]

[Eli: Oh, hell.]

**HOW DARE U FLAME ME**

[Eli: You got a problem with it, you can kiss my ass. People who can read and write realize that this is trash.]

[Forrester: Yep.]

**U R STUPID AND ARE JEALOUS COZ IM SOOOO MUCH BETA THAN U!**

[Thatcher: But if you are so much better, then why haven't you taken advice like an adult?]

[Eli: Probably because she isn't an adult. In fact, it seems like you and the Professor are the only adults here.]

[Thatcher: I was talking about maturity, not age.]

[Eli: I know.]

[Forrester: if it comes to someone being mature or not mature, then I'd say Rubyjanet is a big baby.]

[Eli: Agreed on that.]

**An: C if dis is gud motherfukkers!1111111**

[Forrester: I guess we will.]

[Cicero: Cicero almost doesn't want to look.]

[Forrester: Aw, what's wrong? You afraid of a story?]

[Cicero: What?! How dare you, insolent child?! I am a member of the Dark Brotherhood-]

[Forrester: You're cute when you're angry.]

[Cicero: Please stop saying that.]

[Eli: Yes, please. It's freaking me out.]

**My heart felt heavy, a swollen ache inside my chest.**

[Eli: Are my eyes working? Did she just write an entire sentence without any spelling errors?]

[Thatcher: It looks like the pressure to improve has finally paid off.]

[Silver: (_garbles incoherently under his gag_)]

[Eli: Shut up.]

[Silver: (_shakes his head urgently and keeps trying to speak_)]

[Eli: I'm going to stab him in the leg.]

[Thatcher: No, he has something to say about the story. (_removes the gag_)]

[Silver: Thank you, Thatcher.]

[Eli: You have ten seconds before I decapitate you.]

[Silver: What is this? Who is the story talking about?]

[Forrester: Rubyjanet.]

[Silver: Have I come up in the story yet?]

[Thatcher: No.]

[Silver: Why is her Ruby-ness so sad?]

[Eli: Because Gary supposedly died in the previous chapter.]

[Silver: But Gary is still alive.]

[Eli: Yeah, that's because she won't live without him. She keeps bringing him back.]

[Silver: But then... why did she make me her true love? Is... is it possible that she just... wanted to try new things? And then went back to him?]

[Eli: Looks that way.]

[Silver: (_says nothing_)]

[THIS SUCKER'S BLEEDING EVERYWHERE! LOOK AT HIM!]

[Sly: (_his stitches having somehow completely dissolved already, his wounds are now bigger and he's spurting blood_)]

[Professor Oak: I don't understand it. Stitches don't dissolve that quickly.]

[Deci! Help me stop the bleeding!]

[Eli: I don't know what the hell is going on over there or why, but let's just keep going with this commentary.]

**The Pokemon League had called me into its help centre.**

[Eli: You mean like mental help? That sort of help center?]

[Forrester: Because she definitely still needs it.]

**They had seen that Gary's Pokegear had been wiped, its signal ceased.**

[Thatcher: I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this part. It's definitely spelled correctly, but the grammar isn't exactly top notch.]

[Eli: One thing at a time, Thatcher. One thing at a time.]

**They had known we had been married. They knew I was widowed.**

[Cicero: Who are these people that they know everything about her?]

[Eli: Well, they probably read her story and all that, so it might not be that hard to do.]

[Forrester: Yeah, and there's that she's insane and a horrible person.]

[Eli: Yeah, there's that. Very important.]

[What are you doing?!]

[Twilit Eclipse: Professor Oak said-]

[STOP CUTTING HIM OPEN!]

[Professor Oak: He might have a fractured heart. We need to stop the bleeding.]

[SO YOU'RE GOING TO CUT HIM OPEN?! YOU'RE GOING TO CUT HIM OPEN TO STOP THE BLEEDING?!]

[Professor Oak: Look, trust me, okay? I'm a doctor.]

[Alright, fine. Whatever. Go to town, Twilit!]

[Forrester: Oh, fuck. Look at all that blood!]

[Cicero: It has been ages since Cicero has seen so much.]

[Eli: Okay, so, while you two go out and look at an animal bleed out, let's keep going.]

**I took a breath, holding it for a moment, then released it.**

[Eli: Alright, so, the wording is a little awkward, there's arguably too much unnecessary information-]

[Thatcher: But at least it isn't misspelled.]

[Eli: Yeah, I was just about to say that.]

**But it didn't ease the pain I felt. **

[Thatcher: Hey, that was pretty good.]

[Eli: I think it could have been better, though.]

[Thatcher: Okay, how?]

[Eli: If it were more concise, I would like it better.]

[Thatcher: But you still like it?]

[Eli: "Like" is not a word I throw around too much. But it's not very bad. Not very bad at all ]

**It was as though a part of me had been torn away, leaving a gaping void.**

[Thatcher: Was that bad? Was that so bad?]

[Eli: Shut up so that I can enjoy this part before something goes downhill.]

[Thatcher: You like it, don't you? Here, wear my hat.]

[Eli: What-no, I don't want-]

[Thatcher: (_forces the hat onto his head_)]

[Eli: (_frowns_)]

[Cicero: Oh, look at Eli.]

[Forrester: That hat looks wonderful on you.]

[Cicero: Yes, yes, so stylish.]

[Eli: Graagh.]

**The day dragged like a feverish dream.**

[Cicero: Now that Cicero is paying attention again, he realized something.]

[Thatcher: What's that, Cicero?]

[Cicero: This seems suspiciously like someone else's work. Does anyone think that she finally accepted help?]

[Forrester: You don't know Rubyjanet like I do. She didn't keep accepting help.]

[Eli: Are you saying that someone else wrote this?]

[Forrester: Yes, that's what I'm saying.]

[Eli: Well, that explains a lot. Isn't that against the rules?]

[Forrester: What rules?]

[Eli: The FanFiction guidelines, or Code of Conduct, or something.]

[Cicero: He doesn't know.]

[Eli: You better shut your mouth over there, Cicero.]

[Hey, it worked. He's not bleeding as much.]

[Supermew: Let's give him some more morphine, to slow his heart rate.]

[Professor Oak: Good idea.]

**I was barely aware of walking the steps into the Indigo Pleateu. I hardly noticed the blonde receptionist greet me with a friendly smile.**

[Eli: I can only find one small grammar error. I have no comments. Anyone else?]

[Thatcher: No, not really.]

[Cicero: Cicero has nothing.]

[Forrester: Do we just move on, then?]

[Eli: Yeah, let's move on. We are just breezing through this.]

**"Good morning, how may I help you today?" She beamed.**

[Eli: I don't really like people who are that nice.]

[Thatcher: You don't?]

[Eli: Seriously. I just don't. I'm a soldier, it's just how I think.]

[Forrester: Aren't you supposed to be a peace keeper?]

[Eli: Yeah, so in times of war, I'm a soldier. You know, to brind peace back.]

**Fuck off... I thought to myself.**

[Thatcher: Oh yes, the feisty, vulgar one.]

[Eli: Whoever wrote this did a decent job keeping her in character.]

[Cicero: Cicero doesn't understand.]

[Thatcher: You don't understand what?]

[Cicero: Cicero has learned that there are usually special markings before a quotation in this language. Cicero still can't read it, but he does know that much. Did she say this or not?]

[Eli: That's a surprisingly relevant point. And this ellipses. Is that supposed to be there?]

[Forrester: Is this a grammar mistake?]

[Eli: I guess so. I'm not sure.]

[He's dying. How is he dying?]

[Professor Oak: He's going into cardiac arrest.]

[Twilit Eclipse: How? We gave him enough morphine to put him into a coma.]

[Deceivingly Cute: His heart rate has skyrocketed, though.]

[What? What the hell?!]

[Deceivingly Cute: I don't know. He just-]

[Is this stuff really morphine?]

[Professor Oak: I'll get a fresher batch.]

[Eli: Okay, moving on.]

**"My name is Ruby Janet, you requested to see me."**

[Forrester: Sorry, but I just really hate that name.]

[Eli: What the hell kind of name is "Masterball" anyway?]

**"Ah yes we did. Uh huh..." Her smile faded as she read the computer screen. "Oh... I see... I'm so sorry for your loss."**

[Eli: Yeah, I'll bet you pokemon people never have to deal with these sort of things very often, do you?]

[Thatcher: She's being sincere, Eli. No need for the sarcasm.]

[Eli: What sarcasm?]

**I grunt and nod.**

[Eli: I think that this is a mistake.]

[Thatcher: How? Oh, the agreement. Yeah, I guess this person slipped up here a little. It's not a hard mistake to make, though.]

**The receptionist continued. "When you filed for marrige you also filed for joint trainership, correct?"**

**"Yeah so?"**

**"Well when we ran your records through the system we found that your licence expired two months ago. Were you aware of this?"**

[Cicero: Uh oh. Rubyjanet broke the rules.]

[Eli: How shocking! I never would have thought.]

[Forrester: Silver, are you okay? You're being very quiet.]

[Silver: I'm still reeling from the realization that I am just a toy for Rubyjanet.]

[Eli: Rubyjanet? Not her Ruby-ness?]

[Silver: She no longer deserves my respect. I will not be her play thing anymore.]

[Cicero: Good, good. Never be controlled by anyone. Make your own decisions.]

[Eli: Shut up, Cicero.]

[Forrester: Do you want to walk around and talk about it?]

[Eli: Uuh, that might not be the best idea. We still don't know if we can trust him.]

[Silver: I have nowhere else to go. I'm not running away.]

[Forrester: Okay then, I'll untie you. (_unties him_)]

[Silver: Thank you, Susan.]

[Forrester: Let's go.]

[Cicero: (_waits until they are out of earshot_) At least it isn't Cicero.]

**"I've been busy. I saved the world!" I said indignantly.**

[Eli: From what? From the Pokemon? Meanwhile, she left thousands of other ones in Antarctica to die.]

[Thatcher: Maybe she's saying that she saved Hyrule from Gannondorf.]

[Eli: Oh, she did not. She got tied up in a chair and escaped some cave. That was it.]

**"It's not up to me at this point. You can take it to the Council but from here I have to take your pokemon and trainers card."**

[Eli: Her Pokemon have been confiscated?]

[Thatcher: Oh, how sweet. Whoever is doing this has developed a big hurdle for Rubyjanet to work with.]

**A lump rose in my throat and it was all I could do not to overturn the desk. **

[Cicero: Oh, hohoho!]

[Eli: I dare you to try, you brat. I'm itching for you to die.]

[Thatcher: Eli!]

[Eli: What?]

[Deceivingly Cute: Brother, stop. No more drugs. It's killing him.]

[He's still dying. Why is he still dying?]

[Professor Oak: Someone get me some pins. I need a lot of them.]

[For what?! What do you need pins for?!]

[Professor Oak: The morphine is just making things worse.]

[So you want pins?! FOR WHAT?!]

[Professor Oak: I'm going to try acupuncture. If I do it right, I might be able to completely slow down the bleeding.]

[Completely slow it down? What does that mean?!]

[Professor Oak: Give me the pins and you'll see.]

[Oh, okay, fine. Here, take the pins. Take the whole box of pins.]

[Thatcher: Let's finish this up.]

**Fifty dollars, that was all I had left. I booked a motel for the night, since it was a last minute room that would be otherwise empty, I got it for just ten dollars.**

[Thatcher: That seems pretty bad. How will Ruby get out of this one?]

[Eli: Probably in an overly simple way. This story is much longer than this, and I doubt that she will take the hard way.]

**I don't know if I slept that night, being awake was like being in a nightmare and upon sleep the nightmares became reality...**

[Eli: Okay, and I guess that wraps it up. Nothing else to be said.]

[Cicero: But Cicero always has something to say.]

[Eli: Yeah, but I really don't want to hear it, so shut up.]

[Alright, everyone stop. I have finally figured out what's wrong.]

[Professor Oak: What?]

[Think about it. Everything we did to try and heal him has made it worse for him.]

[Professor Oak: Oh, I see. Take that surgical saw.]

[(_takes the surgical saw and raises it above his head_)]

[Twilit Eclipse: What are you doing?!]

[Supermew: Stop!]

[(_begins to brutally stab Sly with the surgical saw_)]

[Deceivingly Cute: Don't rip him apart!]

[(_continues to maul the unconscious Sly, who is somehow healing up from the damage_)]

[Twilit Eclipse: Wait a minute.]

[Eli: What the hell?]

[Sly: (_gasps and gags as he regains consciousness_)]

[Professor Oak: It seems like Sly has been abandoned so long that he is no longer subject to the laws of anatomy or even reason, as far as his physiology goes. Now, whenever he gets hurt from an outside force, he gets stronger.]

[Sly: Good. I can use that to get some payback on Katie.]

[Supermew: You mean that you actually know it was her who did this to you?]

[Sly: Who else could it have been? Reality abandoned me. She abandoned me. To her, I was just a sex toy, a play thing.]

[Silver: Just like I was.]

[Took you long enough to figure it out, Silver. Welcome to our side. Both of you.]


	17. Chapter 13 and a half

[There you go. That should destroy the Rubylogic for you and stop the depressions.]

[Professor Oak: Oh, excellent. Thank you. Oh, it's almost time for the meeting. Should I put on some music in the background?]

[I don't see why not, but why do it in the first place?]

[Professor Oak: "With flying fingers touch'd the lyre: The trembling notes ascend the sky And heavenly joys inspire." Music stimulates the brain. It might help us think of our next move.]

[Oh. Well, in that case, sure. What did you have in mind?]

[Professor Oak: Tsaichovsky's 1812 Overture.]

[Well, okay, that's a good choice, but how about Dvorak' New World Symphony?]

[Professor Oak: I think Tsaichovsky's piece is more appropriate.]

[How? We're fighting for a new world, and Dvorak literally called it his New World Symphony.]

[Professor Oak: Well, the 1812 Overture is about a bloody battle. This is probably going to be a bloody conflict.]

[Dude, I got you out of a depression. I don't want everyone else depressed.]

[Thatcher: Depressed about what?]

[Eli: Yeah, what happened?]

[Nothing happened, really. Professor Oak and I are just having a slight disagreement about what music to play in the background.]

[Deceivingly Cute: Looks like even the intellectuals can be petty.]

[Hey.]

[Sly: Is this going to take long? I want to get going and get even.]

[You're going to stay here as long as is necessary, Sly. You're going to get your revenge. Don't worry about it.]

[Professor Oak: Is everybody here? Can we start?]

[Let's see. Eli, Thatcher, Cicero, Silver, Forrester, Sly, Eclipse, Deci and Supermew. Yep, everyone is here. Let's get started. Some of you may be wondering why we are here exactly. Well, because Professor Oak knows things that can help us win this war with Rubyjanet.]

[Thatcher: Why are you calling it a war?]

[Well, what would you call it?]

[Eli: Don't listen to Thatcher. She's still convinced that Rubyjanet is harmless.]

[Thatcher: I don't think she is harmless, but I do think that you're taking this too far.]

[Look, all I want is to get my intellectual property back and finish this commentary. The thing is that Rubyjanet won't let my creations go.]

[Eli: Your creations?]

[Yeah, the Beast and Freddy. They are from my stories, and that makes them mine. She's stealing if she keeps them.]

[Eli: So, what your saying is that we are property to you? Like furniture?]

[No, you guys have personality. You are my property, but you also have free will. Now, may I continue?]

[Eli: Fine, fine.]

[Thanks. Now, as you all know, when we got here, we weren't in the best position to have a casual chat. Thankfully, Professor Oak managed to find Sly, here. And now that he is up and about again, he and I had our talk.]

[Professor Oak: Yes, it, uh, didn't start out very well. You see, because of the effects of Rubylogic, I was suffering a deep depression. Ruby was going berserk,and it was partially because I had given her her first Pokemon, Pikafire.]

[Deceivingly Cute: You had other reasons as well. When he found me after I broke out of Camp Death, I showed him the world of Pokemon as it is outside Rubyjanet's story. I showed him that his nephew Gary is supposed to be a real jerk, and that there is no such thing as Pikafire.]

[Professor Oak: Yes, and that implied that I am not the real or original Professor Oak. On top of that, I had managed to come up with at least a dozen possible ways to defeat Rubyjanet, but I was somehow convinced that I was doomed to fail, even though I knew that probability was in my favor. Unable to realize why I was thinking those thoughts, I believed that I was going mad and sunk into a depression.]

[A depression that I have just moments ago ridden him of. So, now that Professor Oak is in better spirits and all, he can give us the information that we need to deal with Rubyjanet.]

[Thatcher: Define "deal with" her.]

[Whatever has to be done, alright? Now frankly, I want you to shut up, okay? Thank you. Go ahead, Professor.]

[Professor Oak: Well, almost all of the ways I have been able to come up with involve Rubyjanet being engaged in a fair fight, with Author's Abilities. In an epic struggle, her powers must be destoryed through a clash of wills, a cataclysmic collision of imaginations.]

[Sly: You're coming across as grandiose.]

[Eli: Yeah, let's get to the part where we figure out how to do that.]

[Professor Oak: Right. Well, I believe that Dark Brother 16 may know the answer to that. But some of you may not like it.]

[Thatcher: Why are you looking at me?]

[I'm going to get started now, so everyone listen, please. Thank you. Anyway, the things that I am about to tell you don't so much have to do with the Author's Abilities rules as they do with the psychological workings of the authors that they apply to. Just keep that in mind, if my little quip doesn't sound too grandiose.]

[Sly: (_rolls his eyes_)]_  
_

[Anyway, Deci, Eclipse, Supermew, I'm sure that you know the feeling of getting totally invested in your character or characters, or even your entire story. These characters can be anyone we want them to be. They can be whatever we ourselves wish to become. They may even be what we would be ashamed of becoming, but long to be anyway because of the thrills that the experience would bring us. They may even be partly us and partly someone else, real or not.]

[Eli: Is this important, or can we speed this along?]

[Yes, it's important. Now, keep what I've just told you about the characters in mind as I carry on. As far as the story itself goes, there are usually factors that must be taken into account in order to even have a story to begin with. Those things are conflict and lessons that the characters learn along the way, during the conflict. Any even remotely competent author knows this. Agreed?]

[Deceivingly Cute: Yes.]

[Twilit Eclipse: Of course.]

[Supermew: Even Rubyjanet knows that.]

[True. Even Rubyjanet knows that. However, she doesn't have what it takes to go about it. Conflict in a story is what molds a character or a group of characters. The friction erodes the negative qualities of the author's investments and gives the author an escapist sense of control over that situation, which may or may not be a reflection of what is happening to them in real life. Usually, they will also find a way to overcome that corrosive situation. Now, I'm not telling you this to lecture you in creative writing. I'm making a comparison. Rubyjanet takes the easy way out of just about every one of those situations. And in doing so, she severely weakens her character. It does, however, make her more and more invested in her own escapist fantasy.]

[Silver: I missed how this is important. Could you cut to the chase?]

[When writing a story, if the author is invested in it to some degree, they create a world. This world is, to varying degrees, able to sustain itself without the intervention of the author. It all depends on the imagination of the author and how controlling and orderly they are. Mine, for example, are mostly independent of my will. I still have total control over them all, but they don't really need me to exist. The reason they got that way is because they are imperfect, and I am willing to purge those imperfections. I am not too proud to improve.]

[Twilit Eclipse: I'm seeing where this is going to go.]

[Yep. Rubyjanet isn't humble enough to accept criticism of any kind. She accepts nothing short of all out worship, as a matter of fact. And that goes without saying that her story is unable to sustain itself. It has gotten so bad that her story universe has begun to fracture. Instead of fixing the mistakes and strengthening the story, she comes in and keeps the story together personally. She has become so invested in this world that it has become her reality.]

[Forrester: Then let's just kill her!]

[We can't. The only ones with the power to do that are Eclipse, Supermew, Deci and myself, and we aren't allowed to inflict any lasting physical harm on another author. The rest of you won't stand a chance.]

[Eli: Then what do we do?]

[The only thing that we can do. We break her will. We exploit her investment in this story and use the story itself against her.]

[Sly: How do we do that?]

[By attacking people that Rubyjanet is close to in this story. These people include Ash, Link, Edward, Gary, even Silver, here. Don't worry, Silver. We won't kill you. Instead, you will be killing one of these other people.]

[Silver: Oh, good.]

[We will also have to take out here most prized Pokemon, her very first Pokemon. Pikafire.]

[Thatcher: Is all this killing really necessary?]

[The emotional shock may get her to become willing to stop her rampage. Besides, these characters are in their own universe. They can be easily brought back to life. If Rubyjanet is aware that she can do that, that is.]

[Cicero: Who do we kill first?]

[I want to focus on Pikafire, because he is troublesome.]

[Twilit Eclipse: How so?]

[Deceivingly Cute: Is it because of the typing? Because that is not an invincible Pokemon.]

[I'm afraid I have to correct your there.]

[Professor Oak: What do you mean?]

[Oh, I forgot to tell you. Pikafire is being protected by Katie Meyers, Sly's target.]

[Sly: Finally, this is where I come in.]

[Yes, and you'll be happy to know that it involves you getting your revenge.]

[Sly: Yeah!]

[Thatcher: I'm not sure I like where this is going.]

[Meyers is protecting Pikafire for sure, because I managed to trick Rubyjanet into telling me so a while back. I don't know exactly how she is doing it, so we will have to break her power. And I fortunately know exactly how to do that. Sly was obviously just abandoned by Meyers a while ago in favor of someone named Nate from a videogame called Uncharted. To take a significant step in defeating Rubyjanet, we have to attack Natewife, and in order to do that, Nate must be killed.]

[Thatcher: No.]

[Eli: What?]

[Thatcher: I refuse to do this.]

[It's the only way, Thatcher. We must decimate her army, and Pikafire is the only thing she can use against us effectively.]

[Thatcher: This is about Rubyjanet, not Katie!]

[Don't yell at me or I will send you back to your story!]

[Decievingly Cute: She's right, Brother. This is a little much.]

[Supermew: Don't you think you are taking this too seriously?]

[Too seriously?! I am trying to end this insanity!]

[Thatcher: By causing more insanity, more pain?]

[Sly: Shut up. This will hurt Katie, so I'm in.]

[Forrester: And since this will cause Rubyjanet pain, I'm ready to get my due compensation.]

[Silver: You can count me in, too.]

[Professor?]

[Professor Oak: Yes?]

[Do you pledge your resources to our cause?]

[Professor Oak: Indeed I do.]

[You do realize that when we accomplish this goal, Gary will be dead.]

[Professor Oak: That young man who is Rubyjanet's concubine is not my nephew. He stopped being my nephew when he first laid eyes on her. "The Devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape". And "the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made." He is now a part of her, so by all means, as the saying goes, go to town.]

[Okay, I'll be sure to do that after we defeat her. I'll bring you back some rolls. Anyone else with me?]

[Eli: Hell, I will always be there to fight. But you need to promise that you will leave the Beast and its Spawn for me.]

[Alright.]

[Cicero: Cicero lives to kill. To slaughter thousands in the name of Mother is Cicero's dream. Cicero will find the enemy, and- STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB! And- STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB!]

[Eli: You're annoying, shut up.]

[Eclipse? What about you?]

[Twilit Eclipse: I'm in.]

[Oh, wonderful! What about you two? This is our only opportunity, so will you take it with us?]

[Decievingly Cute: If this is the only way, then fine. I'll do it.]

[Supermew: I don't feel good about this. I'll help you, but I have better things to do than stay here and focus on this.]

[Well, Thatcher, it's only you now.]

[Thatcher: This is wrong.]

[I have exhausted all other options a long time ago, Thatcher. She doesn't want to talk.]

[Thatcher: I won't be a part of this madness! (_disapperates_)]

[Eli: Where is she?!]

[Professor Oak: We can't let her leave this facility on her own!]

[Sly: What the fuck?]

[I'll find her. (_uses Author's Abilities to see through Thatcher's eyes and finds her on top of the facility_) I'll get her back. Wait here. (_teleports to the top of the facility_) Thatcher!]

[Thatcher: Don't try and stop me. I'm leaving.]

[And where are you going to go? You can't leave the story without the help of an Author.]

[Thatcher: I'm going to Rubyjanet's stronghold to talk to her before you make things worse!]

[I won't let you do that. You haven't read far enough yet. You don't have any idea how brutal she can be.]

[Thatcher: I want to talk. She'll listen to me.]

[She wouldn't listen to me! Or Supermew. Or Deci. Or Eclipse, or Minipeople, or Eketahuma, or SuicidalR3ap3r. Or any other authors! What makes you think she will even consider letting you talk?]

[Thatcher: (_says nothing_)]

[I understand how you feel, Thatcher, but you don't know her like the authors and I do. She will kill you, and I won't be able to resurrect you without raiding her hideout. If you don't want to make things worse, then do not go to her. I'll leave you to think about it, but just consider what she did to Susan Forrester, Silver, Professor Oak, and Eli. (_teleports back inside_)]

[Professor Oak: What happened?]

[Eli: Where is she?]

[I left her with her conscience.]

[Decievingly Cute: You what?!]

[Twilit Eclipse: You know as well as we do what her conscience is telling her.]

[I know even better, because, (_shows a handful of gold energy_) I am her conscience.]

[Eli: You're manipulating her decisions? That's immoral.]

[Cicero: He is doing it to protect Thatcher.]

[And you will not breathe a word of this to her. Understand?]

[Eli:... Fine. I don't like it, but I'll stay quiet about it.]

[Good. Now hang on. She's coming back. (_hides the energy_)]

[Thatcher: (_apparates back into the lab, grudging compliance on her face_) Alright, Brother. You win. I'll stay and help.]

[I knew you'd make the right choice. Now, we need volunteers to assassinate Nate. Does anyone want at it?]

[Sly: Me!]

[Forrester: Me.]

[Silver: Me.]

[That was fast. Alright, Eclipse, Supermew, Deci, if you give each of these guys something that will help them in their mission, I'll be sure to help you leave. All you have to do after that is read my commentary to watch everything unfold. Okay?]

[Twilit Eclipse: Okay. Silver, what do you think you're going to need?]

[Silver: Um, I don't know. Maybe, a dark, cloudy, moonlit night where I can move around without being seen?]

[Twilit Eclipse: Your wish is my command. (_creates an aura of light purple energy, which floats towards Silver and vanishes into his chest_)]

[Silver: That... tingled.]

[Forrester: I can do this. Supermew, I want the Taliban.]

[Supermew: The Taliban?]

[Forrester: Yeah. They can help me plant car bombs outside Katie's home and we can kill Nate in a gunfight.]

[Supermew: Well, okay. If you're sure about this. (_creates an aura of white energy that floats towards Forrester, vanishing inside her chest_)]

[Taliban: (_appear out of nowhere. A man in a red turban and cloth facemask chatters angrily in Urdu_)]

[Anyone know what these guys are saying?]

[Forrester: I do. (_speaks Urdu_)]

[Taliban Leader: (_responds angrily in Urdu_)]

[Forrester: (_responds smugly in Urdu_)]

[Taliban Leader: (_taken aback, responds in a warlike chant, raising his fist in the air and prompting chants from the other Taliban_)]

[Eli: I hope that that is a good sign.]

[Forrester: He says that he'll help me.]

[Great! Sly?]

[Sly: You know, I have always wanted to be a cowboy for a day. Give me a posse of ruffians and a wild west town.]

[Decievingly Cute: Okay. (_creates an aura of pale green energy, which drifts toward Sly and vanishes into his chest_)]

[Sly: Gyah-ha-ha-ha!]

[Bandits: (_appear out of thin air and begin to grumble_)]

[Bandit Leader: What 'n tarnashin? Who're you?]

[My name is not important.]

[Sly: Listen, Cowboy, I'm in charge now. You hear me?]

[Bandits: (_all laugh_)]

[Bandit Leader: Got some nerve, talkin' to me that way.(_draws a bowie knife_) We'll see how big y'are after I cut that fuckin' head off yer shoulders.]

[Sly: (_flying kicks the Bandit Leader in the side of the head, dodges a swipe from the Bandit Leader's Bowie Knife, then stomp kicks his opponent in the privates_)]

[Bandits: (_murmur nervously amongst themselves_)]

[Sly: Oh? Nobody else wants to challenge my leadership? Nobody at all? Good.]

[Then let's start planning.]


	18. Chapter 14

[Okay, now that everyone has trained extensively, it's finally time to plane out an attack.]

[Sly: I don't need a plan. I just need to find Katie's bitch, point my staff (_points his golden hooked cane at a map of_ _Kanto_) and let 'er rip him apart. (_a powerful, ear-splitting gun, hidden in the top of the cane, blows a hole in the map where the lab is located_) Haha!]

[Professor Oak: Yes, you could do it that way and act like a complete barbarian, or you could listen to us and have a greater chance for success. Nate will be protected by Katie, and she has the same powers every other Author has.]

[Yep. So, you could try things your way, or you could go along with the plan that we are about to make, we can all work together, and we can succeed here. You want Nate dead?]

[Sly: Oh, do I?]

[Good. So shut up.]

[Cicero: Cicero has your juice box, master.]

[Oh, well thank you, Cicero. (_takes the juice box_) Now, we know that Nate and Katie live in the same Kanto neighborhood that Rubyjanet was originally from. All that we have to go on besides that is that Nate owns Sly's old Ferrari. It is a dark blue with lots of wax and it has an ornate little silver mustang on the hood.]

[Sly: What? Son of a bitch stole my car!]

[Eli: Will you shut up? We know that you hate him and all that, so just wait and learn how we can kill this guy.]

[Thatcher: By the way, I hope that this is worth it.]

[It will be. Now, here is what I have in mind. Forrester, you and the Taliban will attack first. If you don't get him, then what I want you to do is at least destroy their house and all their belongings, and drive them out of the city. Got it?]

[Forrester: Hell yeah. (_translates for her Taliban companions_)]

[Taliban: (_chant threateningly in Urdu, waving their weapons_)]

[Eli: So, if you're supposed to be stupid, how can you speak their language?]

[Rubylogic has obviously got some flaws.]

[Eli: Yeah, no kidding.]

[Anyway, if they leave the city, I will be following them with Eli, Thatcher and Cicero. I will make sure that they run out of gas at the most opportune moment. Then Silver, you will converge in them and do your thing. Quite frankly, since you are doing this alone, I don't expect you to have much luck.]

[Silver: If I die, at least I will be free. It will be for a noble cause.]

[Indeed it will be.]

[Sly: So I will be last?!]

[Yeah.]

[Sly: Why?]

[Because lately, you have been giving us all some attitude. I know you may be itchy for some action, but you have lost your murder privileges for a little while.]

[Sly: Fuck.]

[Bandit Leader: So, we ain't gonna kill someone for a while?]

[Sly: Are you deaf AND stupid? He just said that we won't.]

[Right. (_downs juice box in one chug_) Now, for preparation- (_swoons and crosses his eyes_)]

[Thatcher: Brother? Are you okay?]

[(_slumps over the conference table, unconscious_)]

[Cicero: Master!]

[Eli: Damn it!]

[Professor Oak: (_checks Dark Brother 16 over_) He's been given a sleeping poison. And the other users had to choose today to up and leave. Someone get me my chemistry set!]

[(_in the Dreamworld, hears a feint, echoing voice in the distance that sounds like Professor Oak's say that he has been given a sleeping poison_) I'm... I'm asleep? Someone must have laced my juice with that poison. But that can only mean-]

[Freddy: Damn it! How did you find out so quickly?]

[(_turns to find himself in Freddy's boiler room_) Well, I'm a smart guy. And I listen to other smart guys.]

[Freddy: Really? You heard Professor Oak? Well, it doesn't really matter now, because I am way more powerful than I was the last time we clashed. So, get ready to die. (_teleports in front of him and slashes at him, catching Dark Brother 16's t-shirt_)]

[Eli: (_meanwhile, in The Gratest Pokemon Master, notices Dark Brother 16's t-shirt rip across the front with four long, diagonal scratches_) Woah, what the hell was that?!]

[Forrester: What?!]

[Eli: Something is attacking him! Hurry up, damn it, old man!]

[Professor Oak: (_fumbles with the chemicals_) I'm trying!]

[(_in the Dreamworld, pushes Freddy away from him with a powerful blast of telekinetic energy_)]

[Freddy: (_slams into a large, rusty boiler, which bursts and scalds him_) GYAAGH-AGH-AGH-AAAHH!]

[You may be stronger than before, Freddy, but I will always be stronger!]

[Freddy: Gagh! Hah, don't be too sure. (_fires bursts of electricity at Dark Brother 16_)]

[(_catches the energy and shoots it back at Freddy_)]

[Freddy: (_gets hit and sent flying into the ceiling_)]

[You just don't want to admit it, do you, Freddy? (_creates a hand and a half length sword_) You are my creation! You have always and will always do whatever I want you to do. You exist because I want you to. You rebelled because I got careless! You are nothing but an instrument of my will!]

[Freddy: (_stands up_) And what about your friends? Are they your playthings too?]

[I don't consider them playthings. They are my means to escape into a universe of adventure. They are different from you.]

[Freddy: (_says as he teleports beside Dark Brother 16_) Good to know! (_swipes at his opponent three times_)]

[(_blocks the first two attacks, then jumps over the last one. Swings left_)]

[Freddy: (_grabs the sword with his gloved hand, throws it aside and slashes at Dark Brother 16's abdomen again_)]

[(_leaps aside, dodging the attack. Gets to the sword and picks it up again_)]

[Taliban Leader: ( _suddenly begins to frantically shout orders and open fire_)]_  
_

[Eli: What the hell are they doing?!]

[Taliban: (_also begin to open fire at the air vents_)]

[Forrester: (_begins shouting at them in Urdu, but is cut off_)]

[Alien Spawn: (_scream from within the vents_)]

[Bandit Leader: Oh, shit.]

[Eli: It's an ambush!]

[Professor Oak: Keep them off me! I need to revive Brother.]

[(_Dark Brother 16's face gets slashed by four invisible blades. Meanwhile, in the Dreamworld_) Gagh! Son of a-]

[Freddy: Haha!]

[(_telekinetically hurls Freddy away from him and creates a ring of fire around him before he gets up_)]

[Freddy: (_begins hyperventilating, paralyzed by terror_)]

[Professor Oak: (_meanwhile, in The Gratest Pokemon Master_) It's finished! Someone get me an injector!]

[Gannondorf: (_appears near Professor Oak and uses his magic to force the antidote out of his hands_) I don't think so!]

[Professor Oak: No!]

[(_the antidote, fortunately, splashes on Dark Brother 16's face, seeping into his bloodstream via the scratches on his face. Dark Brother 16 snaps his eyes open_)]

[Gannondorf: Kill him!]

[(_as six Alien Spawn converge on the seemingly helpless Dark Brother 16, he telekinetically tosses them aside and stands, his face bloody, his shirt torn and a the sword he used against Freddy in hand_) Professor, we need to go!]

[Gannondorf: You are not going anywhere!]

[The Beast: (_bursts through the ceiling and roars at the heroes, followed by more Alien Spawn_)]

[(_creates a blinding, gold flash that staggers the Alien Spawn, The Beast and Gannondorf_) Quick! Into the Lab! (_all follow_) Professor, do you have a way to escape?]

[Professor Oak: Yes. I have developed teleportation capsules back when Rubyjanet first defeated Gary, just in case something like this ever happened. I also rigged the entire laboratory to blow.]

[Thatcher: But your research-]

[Professor Oak: Is all meaningless right now. The one in the center has been configured to send you directly to Katie and Nate's home, but there are too many of us to use it before those creatures get in here.]

[Silver: Hey! I have a name.]

[Eli: Not you, dumbass! The Aliens.]

[Silver: Oh.]

[Eli: Besides, I can buy us some time. I've been meaning to spend some quality time with the Beast anyway.]

[You won't be doing it alone, Eli. Thatcher, Cicero and I will help you out.]

[Professor Oak: There are still too many. There isn't enough time for everyone to get into the capsule, and I can't configure them all fast enough. I suppose if I were to send everyone to the same general area within a few miles it would be imprecise enough to program quickly-]

[Okay, do it. The rest of us are going to buy you some time.]

[Forrester: They're at the door!]

[Alien Spawn: (_bash themselves against the door, attempting to break it down_)]

[Sly: (_sticks his hooked cane at the Alien Spawn and begins shooting at them_) Motherfuckers, DIIIE!]

[Sly, get back! You're weakening the door!]

[Eli: (_pulls Sly away from the door with the Force_)]

[Alien Spawn: (_break through the door, pouring in and killing thirteen Taliban and ten Bandits_)]

[Bandits and Taliban: (_begin firing back and shouting profanities in English and Urdu, but begin to lose ground_)]

[Sly: (_opens fire with his cane and kills a dozen Alien Spawn, dodging them whenever they come too close_)]

[Thatcher: (_freezes two Alien Spawn, and then turns around to set five others on fire_)]

[Cicero: STAB, STAB, STAB, STAB, STAB, STAB, STAB! (_screams as he dishes out damage to eleven Alien Spawn, jumping over and ducking under the Alien Spawn's tails as they try to impale him_)]

[Silver: (_flies into an Alien Spawn and stabs it with a sharp object he had just found laying on the conference table_)]

[Eli: (_kills five Alien Spawn, then turns to notice the newcomer_)]

[The Beast: (_roars at Eli, flailing its tail threateningly_)]

[Eli: Remember me, bitch?! (_leaps toward the Beast to stab it through the face, but gets thrown against a wall by the Beast's tail_)]

[The Beast: (_leaps on top of Eli and begins to try and bite his head off_)]

[Eli: (_dodges the Beast's jaws just enough so that he doesn't lose his head, and continues to struggle with the Beast_)]

[Gannondorf: (_steps through the open doorway_) So, the Dream Demon couldn't finish you, Dark Brother 16. Why am I not surprised.]

[Obviously, because you expected it.]

[Gannondorf: Indeed. But I did not expect him to injure you as he did.]

[Shut up and fight me. (_raises sword and lunges at Gannondorf_)]

[Gannondorf: (_parries the attack_)]

[Professor Oak: I have it! Most of them are ready.]

[(_repels Gannondorf and the Alien Spawn with a telekinetic push, and renders them all unable to stand with another display of telekinesis_) Which ones? Which one isn't ready?]

[Professor Oak: The one on the far right.]

[Forrester, take the one directly to the city. Sly, you take the one on the far left. Silver, the one on the center right. Now go!]

[Forrester, Silver, the Taliban, Sly and the Bandits: (_all take their respective teleportation pods_)]

[Professor Oak: Now help me take them apart. That will make sure that nobody can follow them and I will be able to piece together the coordinates much faster.]

[Okay, do it, guys! Eli, leave it.]

[Eli: (_was about to kill the Beast while it scrambled in a corner, helpless, but he turns to Dark Brother 16, puzzlement and annoyance hard on his face_)]

[You'll get your chance another time. Now go. (_all perform the task and give Professor Oak the parts that he needs_)]

[Professor Oak: Alright, I have enough to get you out of here, but I still-]

[Gannondorf: (_manages to use his magic to break the telekinetic hold on him and the Beast, then picks up his sword and stands up_)]

[Professor Oak: GO! (_pushes Eli, Thatcher and Cicero through the teleportation pod_)]

[Professor!]

[Professor Oak: Sorry. (_pushes him through the teleportation pod as well, then rips out some red wires_) AAAGGGGHHH! (_looks down at his chest to see the Beast's tail sticking out of him_)]

[The Beast: (_growls at the dying old man as it lifts him up off the ground_)]

[Professor Oak: If-if-if you prick me... (_coughs up blood_) Do I not... bleed?]

[Gannondorf: Silence! Your Ruby-ness. (_creates a magic astral projection of Rubyjanet and bows to it_) I'm sorry, your Ruby-ness. We did not succeed in our mission, even with our advantage.]

[Rubyjanet: Damn it! Where is Kuger? That stupid fucker was supposed to kill Despicable Brother!]

[Gannondorf: I have not seen him, your Ruby-ness. He must still be in his realm.]

[Professor Oak: If you tickle me... Do I not... laugh?]

[Rubyjanet: Is that Professor Oak?]

[Gannondorf: He was aiding the enemy, your Ruby-ness. He is a traitor.]

[Rubyjanet: But why? I thought that you were my friend.]

[Professor Oak: If you... poison me... Do I not... die?]

[Rubyjanet: Hey, asshole! I asked you a fucking question.]

[Professor Oak: And if you... wrong... me... Will I not... (_raises a detonator, clenched in his shaking fist_) Revenge...]

[Rubyjanet: Get out of there!]

[(_meanwhile, two miles away from Professor Oak's lab, hits the ground hard as he falls on his face_)]

[Thatcher: We have to go back in and help him. (_screams as Professor Oak's lab explodes_)]

[Eli: Oh, son of a-]

[Cicero: Well, it looks like he's dead.]

[Eli: Yeah, and we all almost were. How the hell did they find us?]

[Same way I was slipped a sleeping poison. (_begins to fix the damaged shirt and heal his bleeding face_) We had a mole.]

[Cicero: What?! Who would dare?]

[Eli: You tell us, Cicero.]

[Cicero: What?]

[Eli: You were the one who gave him the poisoned juice box.]

[Cicero: How was Cicero supposed to know?! Cicero is not the traitor!]

[Eli: You are a lying worm! I'll bet it was you!]

[Thatcher: Knock it off, Eli!]

[It doesn't matter who it really was. (_turns around with a fixed shirt but only half-healed scratches on his face_) All that matters is that Rubyjanet knows about the plot.]

[Thatcher: Your face. Why hasn't it-]

[I want these scars for now. They will remind me why I am doing this. None of Rubyjanet's creations can leave any lasting damage on other authors, but our own creations can leave temporary injuries. I don't know how she knew this, but I don't care.]

[Cicero: What do we do now, master?]

[We have to give the assassins a head start. We have to draw Rubyjanet's attention by doing another chapter in the commentary.]

[Eli: Of course. Most natural thing to do.]

[First, the grade for the last chapter. Out of three hundred and seventy-eight words, twelve, or three point one seven four percent of all the words, were misspelled. There were thirty-four grammar errors, three violations of the FanFiction Code of Conduct, a negative in Failed Character Development and exactly zero factual missteps.]

[Thatcher: That's good, right?]

[What do you mean? Of course it's good. Well, it's a seventy percent grade, which is a pass, but it isn't excellent and it isn't terrible.]

[Eli: What's the overall story grade?]

[Thirty-three point five six percent.]

[Eli: Oh, wow. That's still terrible.]

[Yeah. So, moving on to the comparisons with My Immortal. No description of clothes and two sentences with terrible adverbs.]

[Thatcher: Only two? Huh.]

[Yes, only two. Negatives across the board for Rock Concerts and Necessary Shopping and Planning, Comparisons with Rockstars, Sex and Rape, and Incredibly long ellipses, though I would argue that some of the ones that were in there were unnecessary.]

[Thatcher: Yeah, you would.]

[Shut up. There were no gasps this chapter, leaving the total at thirteen, and there was a negative count in Textspeak. However, the Demands that reviewers "Stop Flaming" went positive.]

[Eli: There's a surprise.]

[Mm-hm. I think that we can come to expect that from now on, because we are at that point in the story. Some people have even stopped reading the story and instead have just read the Author's Notes for entertainment.]

[Thatcher: Let's get to the next chapter. Considering the last chapter, I have high expectations for this one.]

**Chax 15**

**ZAKAR FUKKING GO DIE I DONT NEED YOUR HALP U ARE MEAN! **

[Eli: Well, there's a familiar little bitch rant. Still have faith, Thatcher?]

[Thatcher: (_doesn't say anything_)]

**THE LAST CHAPA WAS STUPID U CANT RITE SO FUK OFFF!**

[Eli: So the last chapter was _not_ written by her?]

[No, it was written by Eketahuma. However, they have creative differences.]

[Eli: No kidding. I guess Eketahuma is creative, and she is angry. That the difference?]

[Thatcher: But the last chapter was so good.]

** STOPE FALIMING **

[Yeah, I don't think so.]

**I HATE YOU ALL!**

[We know.]

** aN DONT CHANGE MY PASSY!**

[Thatcher: Um... what is she saying?]

[Yeah, it's hard to tell, but she is saying "don't change my password".]

[Thatcher: Oh good.]

[Eli: Why? What's the matter?]

[Thatcher: Nothing, Eli.]

**i stormed back an got my pokemon da next day. **

[Eli: What?! No! No, you can't do this, Rubyjanet. You just can't. There was supposed to be a lawsuit, and a trial, and you were supposed to lose. You were supposed to then rise above that and still become great. You weren't supposed to do this. You insecure, uncreative moron!]

[Indeed. This is very disappointing.]

[Thatcher: Well then, maybe there are going to be some consequences.]

[We'll see about that.]

**They were so shocked the woman had beeen stupid enough to try to take pokemon frum me **

[Eli: What a crime. You take Pokémon from them, so you're even now. Suck it.]

**and beeged me to forgive them and wanted my autograbs but i told em to fuk off and die.**

[This section has a lot to discuss, so let's spend some time here.]

[Eli: Now she is just being a criminal.]

[Thatcher: She can't mean this.]

[Oh, she does, Thatcher. She does. Rubyjanet rules like a crime lord.]

[Thatcher: (_sighs_) Whatever.]

[Eli: And by the way, what is it with this psychotic bitch and autographs?]

[She is under the delusion that this story is going to get her famous and she will become rich some day.]

[Eli: Rich and famous? For this pile of bullcrap?]

[Yep.]

[Eli: Wow. (_chuckles_) That is not even funny.]

[Lastly, the part about telling them to go die. Just because you tell people to do something doesn't mean that they are going to do it. Okay? So if you tell someone to go die, they are more likely to kill you. Ya got that?]

**"Ruby, rubby! We r soo sorry 4 dis mistake pls forgive us." **

[Thatcher: There, see, it was a mistake. Now forgive them.]

[She won't.]

[Thatcher: But it was a mistake.]

[Doesn't matter. Watch.]

**They begged me to forgive em.**

[Eli: Yeah, you told us already. Moving on.]

**"No. I sad.**

[Told you.]

[Thatcher: Hmph.]

**"Pls except this trofy as a sybol of our sorryness." The man gav me the Pokemon champion throphy!**

[Eli: No, does not compute. What the hell just happened?]

[They gave her the Pokémon Championship Trophy as a peace offering. There is only one of those things every year. It was not theirs to give away. Now there will be no Pokémon competitions at all that year.]

[Eli: What a bunch of cowards. Fight back, damn you!]

**"Since we made a mistake pls take this trophy, you r worthy of being the champion!"**

[Eli: WORTHY OF BEING THE CHAMPION?! She deserves to be in jail, dumbass! All she has done is break and enter, blackmail and rob you. That is the villain, not the hero. Idiot!]

[Yeah, and I think that there was another mistake that Rubyjanet has made. I believe that she is trying to say that they are offering her the trophy just because of the mistake. Not because of the violence or threats of violence, but because of the error. If that were the case, then they would be giving out trophies every time they made a mistake. The IRS doesn't do that. they don't give out million dollar prizes to people they accidentally charge too much taxes. If they did, then they would have broken the bank of the entire United Nations.]

[Thatcher: Wow. You have a lot to say about that.]

[I could go on forever about the IRS, but the audience doesn't want to hear that. I am a partisan, anyway.]

**I took the trophy and money.**

[Eli: They never said anything about money.]

[I guess it must come with the trophy. This is another more honest error, because she must be assuming that everyone reading is a Pokémon fan and knows what she is talking about.]

[Eli: Yeah, well, it sounds more like a heist.]

**Then I went hom to the house where da forest was.**

[There were so many other ways that she could have done that. For starters, she could have written a paragraph describing her journey, and then she could have written a paragraph describing her emotions about the incident, followed by a third paragraph describing her home, forest and all. Instead, look at what she decided to use. Distasteful.]

**I sat in my crying and cring. **

[Eli: She sat in her what?]

[Room, probably. Also, if she is going to misspell a word, she has to at least be consistent about it.]

[Thatcher: All she did was forget to type one letter.]

[Well then, she should have fixed it.]

**i was hard to breath. **

[Probably. I mean, I don't think that people can breathe other people. It's not a physical possibility. I will let the common spelling error go, though.]

[Eli: What spelling error?]

[She spelled "breath". She wanted the word "breathe".]

[Thatcher: So you can be reasonable.]

[Thatcher, not this again, okay? I'll explain when we leave for the city.]

**Then i herd a nock on da door! I came off my rocking chair which was a red oak.**

[Thatcher: Oak?]

[Eli: (_remains silent, turning to stare at Dark Brother 16_)]

[Yeah. Let's have a moment of silence for him. I'm the religious one, so I'll say a few words. (_closes eyes_)]

[Thatcher: (_removes her hat_)]

[Eli: (_bows his head_)]

[I don't mean to offend people by bringing my religious beliefs into this, but Professor Oak was a good man. He may not have been the real Professor Oak, he may not have even been a real person, but if there is an Almighty Being that is the Ultimate Good, and I believe wholeheartedly that there is, then may He accept men and women like Professor Oak into Heaven and watch over them until we ourselves get there. And hopefully, when Rubyjanet discovers that she has the power to bring her character back, he will remain as willful, wise and kind as he was.]

[Eli: Yeah, so don't screw it up, Rubyjanet.]

[Okay, you can put your hat back on, Thatcher.]

[Thatcher: (_puts her hat back on, fighting back tears_)]

[You going to be okay?]

[Thatcher: Yeah, let's just keep going with this.]

**It was... Ash Kellun**

[I don't think that those ellipses are supposed to be there.]

**i GASPED. **

[Ha! Plus one. Oh. The emotions of the little moment back there are already gone. I feel like a bad person.]

**he looked so sad. "Runy i need to talk to u." He swept.**

[Eli: You mean he wept?]

[Well, the "S" key is directly under the "W" on the keyboard. Maybe that part was an accident. But she still should have fixed it.]

**I let him inside.**

[Well, good. It's rude to leave someone standing on the porch.]

**He bursted into tears. We hugged 4 a while. He had bean Grays brother and was sad now that he was gon e 4EVA!**

[Now, hold on a minute. Since when was he- Oh. I remember now. Since the incident in Antarctica. But once again, Gary Oak is not Ash Kethum's brother. The first hint should have been that they have different last names. These two are supposed to be bitter rivals, not brothers, not even friends.]

[Eli: What a failure.]

**sUDEENELY A Cellabe apparatred.**

[Thatcher: What's a Cellabe? And how does it know how to aparate?]

[Rubyjanet meant to say "appeared", but apparently has no idea how to spell it at all. And a Cellibi, as it is actually called, is a Legendary Pokémon with a moderate control of the time stream. It usually uses its abilities to travel through time.]

[Eli: Really? Dude, think of the possibilities that this thing opens up.]

[I know!]

[Eli: It could probably stop or slow down time, or even rewind time and prevent an undesirable event from ever happening. Maybe that is what it's there for. Think about it. Gary's death sets off a chain of apocalyptic events, so the Cellibi goes back in time to give Ruby and Ash a second chance to save him.]

[It's a no brainer. Unfortunately, Rubyjanet has never been known for her brain. Let's move on and I'll show you.]

**Me and Ash looked at eachodder all shocked..**

[Eli: Right, and you gasped, we get it... No, nobody gasps? Okay, good.]

**It was green and came in a beam of siver green light. **

[Eli: What was?]

[Thatcher: I think she is talking about the Cellibi.]

[Eli: Oh.]

**Then...**

**We were polled into da future!**

[Eli: Wait, the future? How can they save a post-apocalyptic universe while they are in that post-apocalyptic universe?]

[She obviously has something else in mind.]

**We hit da grond in a crash. **

[Eli: "We crashed into the ground".]

[She should have described the sensation of time travelling. Most time travelers report some disorientation or something else that can make them sick.]

**I got up and dusted myself of.**

[Well, it couldn't have been such a bad crash if she is already up and isn't injured.]

** Ash got up 2. "OMG RUby I think we have been transformed to the past!"**

[Eli: No, you are in the future, dumbass. You were teleported into the future.]

[Yeah, not "transformed to the past".]

[Thatcher: Yeah, that is kind of stupid.]

[To be fair, though, time travel is a very difficult thing to get right. There are some things that noone is able to get exactly right. Points for trying, thumbs up to that.]

**"WTF! I shooted. "WTF is dis happened?!"**

[Thatcher: What does this even mean?]

[I don't know.]

**"We have been taken to da past for sum raisin. We have a grate destiny here." Ash stated to cry.**

[Eli: How the hell would he know? And it's the future, dumbass!]

[Hey Cicero, do you have anything to say? You've been very quiet. (_looks around_) Cicero?]

[Thatcher: He's gone!]

[Eli: Good.]

[How long has he been gone? Did anyone notice?]

[Thatcher: No.]

[Eli: Just let him go. He'll be running back.]

[Okay, Eli, sit down and shut up if you aren't going to help. Has he helped us with the commentary at all this time?]

[Thatcher: I don't know. He could be anywhere.]

[I'll find him. (_shuts his eyes and begins to search for Cicero through the jester's own eyes, and finds him coming out of a clearing near the city_) I got him. He's proceeding to the target.]

[Eli: That's not good? He'll kill Nate, no problem.]

[You don't get it, do you? He could ruin our entire conspiracy by leaving. Come on, we're going after him. Thatcher, take Eli. Aparate alongside me.]

[Thatcher: Okay.]

[Eli: Whatever.]

[Thatcher: (_aparates with Eli_)]

[(_teleports to Cicero's location, leading Thatcher there as well_) Cicero, stop!]

[Cicero: Oh, so you finally realized that Cicero was gone, hm?]

[I'm sorry, alright. I was distracted. Where are you going?]

[Cicero: Master already knows the answer to that, oh yes. Cicero felt you, rummaging around inside Cicero's head.]

[And why are you going to risk blowing the operation? We worked hard for this.]

[Cicero: Cicero... Cicero wants to prove that he isn't the traitor. Since you all thought that poor Cicero was the traitor, Cicero wanted to be the one to murder Nate.]

[First of all, Eli is the one who thinks you are the traitor.]

[Eli: Hmph.]

[Just because you gave me the juice box doesn't mean you were the one who laced it with the sleep poison. You were used.]

[Cicero: (_says nothing_)]

[Eli was just upset that Professor Oak was killed. We all are. Come on. Help us finish the chapter, then we can find the house. The traitor will reveal themselves in time.]

[Cicero: (_hesitates_) Well... Well, alright. Cicero will stay.]

[Great! Now, let's continue with the chapter, shall we?]

**"Me! Wot am I supposed to do! I growed.**

[Cicero: Why should we care how tall Rubyjanet is?]

[No idea.]

[Thatcher: And why is she so mad? He was just saying something.]

[Rubyjanet is a Draconian, that's all.]

[Thatcher: Oh, stop it.]

[Well, she is! Just keep reading.]

**Ah looked worred. He stared at da grind.**

**"Well!" I demoned.**

[Eli: That's interesting, because that had the word "demon" associated with Rubyjanet.]

[Yep.]

**Before he cold replay-**

[Cicero: Replay? Replay what?]

[A misspelled word.]

[Cicero: Why would she want to replay a misspelled word? Tow wrong words that are spelled the same don't make it any better. Cicero doesn't understand.]

[There is no understanding her.]

[Eli: That, and Cicero is an idiot.]

[Enough, Eli.]

** the Celebe came and called out to me. **

[Thatcher: Do they make those kinds of sounds?]

[Maybe. I don't know. I'd have to ask around for that answer. I think that they do.]

**I followed it to a big tree. "OMG dis tree must be so old, u can tell by the number of rings." I sad (dis works in real life 2)**

[Well, yeah, but if they are in the past, then those trees wouldn't be there. They must be in the future, because that does indeed work in real life. Everyone knows that. How old are you again?]

[Cicero: (_laughs_)]

**"Ya sad Ash. "Thats whats happens when you go back in time.'**

[Eli: So, they are in the past? But if they are in the past, then those trees wouldn't be there. They would be saplings, dumbass!]

[Cicero: Cicero see that you say that word a lot.]

[Eli: What word? Dumbass?]

[Cicero: Yes, indeed. Cicero dares you to go five minutes without saying it once.]

[Eli: I'll say whatever the hell I want to, dumbass.]

[Both of you, shut up.]

**Wde both laffed at the joke.**

[Thatcher: What joke? I missed it.]

**Suddenly an old man appeared. You, you must be the ones who Cebeli has choosed o sav us."**

[Eli: No, no, no, no, no! The word is not damn "choosed"! It's chosen!]

[Cicero: Dumbass.]

[Eli: Wha-no, you don't get to say dumbass!]

** He lokked at us all careful. I looked at Ash for comfrot and he smelled at me reassurassedly.**

[(_all laugh_)]

[Eli: He smelled you?!]

[Cicero: AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!]

[Thatcher: Oh, that's good. I'll laugh with you guys on this one.]

**"You nhave suffered a grate loss."**

[Eli: Psychic alert.]

[Cicero: Old men are always prophets.]

**I nodded thing of gary and tryn nut tom cry.**

[This is so hard to read. I keep wanting to say "trying not to cry". The correct way.]

[Thatcher: That is indeed a mess.]

**The old man sad wiselly. "Come wif me."**

[Eli: How the hell is that a wise thing to say?]

[She must have meant to use a different word. Perhaps "sagely". That one fits great. Oh, there's the end.]

[Cicero: What do we do now, master?]

[We locate Nate and Katie. We will be following them when and if they make a run for it. The others know where I told them to be. Let's hope that they get there in time.]


End file.
